The Real Thing…
I’m so in love with the Bo Bice song ‘The Real Thing’. Well, loads have happened over the spring break…if I can even call it a spring break. Might get a possible intern, but shall not mention it until I actually get it just cos I’m scared I might jinx it. Anyway, I’m working for Suzie now…yipee!!!! I have a job n a great boss to boot 
We have a PSA ad coming up…n I’m gonna make sure I win it. I want to. It’s not for the bonus points, but for the fact that I know I can do this and it’ll look great on my portfolio. Plus, I’ve been feeling like doing something serious for a while, so why not PSA. Serious isn’t bad once in a while….provided its not all the time. Plus, I need to prove something to alot of people that I’m not a dumb blonde who sponges off people but can actually do her own stuff.
Plus, I’m going to go on a purge diet. In other words, eat nothing till I lose weight or eat so that I won’t faint. Oh, and fill myself with either water or sugar-free chewing gum the whole day. Seeing that bastard again after 3 years has made me realise alot of things. I thought I was doing well for myself, but I’m not really. I haven’t become anything to make him regret what he did to me. And two, men don’t give a fuck. They can be really cruel. I hate em all…..well, maybe not Nomi.
My mightmares haven’t stopped though. They’re getting worse day by day. And worse, i still remember each everyone of them vividly. And nothing has made them stop. The worst one was the baby nightmare. And the one on snakes. I’m not afraid of snakes, but this dream really shook me up. I kept imagining there was this poisonous snake after me and I try to kill it and it won’t die. Finally I manage to decapitate its head. But guess what? the head grows a tail and the tail growns a head. And each time I decapitate, more grow. *shudder*
Ya Allah, help me…..
SaRe Gaaaa…..Ma! Pa!
Today’s been a mixture of good and bad. Had a really horrid nightmare but woke up in Nomi’s arms, which made everything in the world ok. Dunno if I can give the graphic details but it was…ok, might as well. I dreamt I was preggy with about 8-9 kids and it kept growing….and so was my tummy. But instead of growing in my womb, they grew on the skin of my stomach, and finally got bigger and bigger until they burst out from my skin like boils, and left horrid burn marks. Some didn’t even grow properly….they had missing limbs or were just an eyeball or hand or finger….you get the picture. I woke up screaming….silently. I was so petrified my voice wouldn’t come. *shudder* I dread sleeping tonight. If it isn’t the brakes failing, it’s some other horrid surreal dream….like my breasts rotting and infested with maggots….ARGH!
My mom got ticket’s for Sa Re Ga Ma show and it was really cool. But I was too busy checking out how the show was shot rather than watching the show itself. But surprise surprise….I bumped into Marwan today. Not that I really give a damn, although im curious at what he’s upto nowadays. Hmm….shall know tomorrow when I go for the SRGMP finals.
Nightmare On Halab Street
It’s about 4.30am and I can’t sleep. I don’t think I’ve been able to sleep properly since the 15th. Ever since the brakes failed. I’m sure most people would scoff at me. But no-one can possibly understand the terror I felt when my brakes didn’t respond and I saw myself (and the car) slide and smash into the Pathan cabbie. It was like they say in books and movies. Everything goes into slo-mo and you feel your life flash before you eyes. I wasn’t hurt, nor was the cabbie, but thinking about it brings me into hysterics even now. I keep thinking about what if my brakes failed while I was driving near the industrial area and hit someone? What if I killed someone?
But more than that, I felt very abandoned and extremely hurt when I rang up my stepdad and told him what happened. He just told me it was my fault and there couldn’t poosibly be anything wrong with the brakes. Somehow he made me feel like driving at about 40kmph and having about half a road’s distance to brake was still my fault. And my mom supported him initially. That really hurt. At that moment, I lost all control and started sobbing my heart out, much to the Pathan guys discomfort. Suddenly, it wasn’t just the accident anymore.
It was everything. Every disappointment in life. No, I’ve never been beaten nor starved nor thrown out (except once cos I had a shoot till 2am). But in some sense, I’ve been neglected and abandoned by both my parents. It’s very complicated, but that’s what it is. And the worst thing is that they just don’t get it. They get all high and might when I try talking to them. Nooooo way are the neglectful parents. Didn’t we get you in college? Didn’t we make sure you always had your basic needs? oh I’m sorry, shift the ‘we’ to ‘I’. It’s never been about me. It never was. I’m just a pawn to prove to the each other that they’re better than the other. But now that they’ve moved on, I’m sorta like the pesky fly that came with their suitcase.
Oh sure, dad’s dad, but he’s never been there when I needed him. Not emotionally, nor financially. He’s only there when it suits him so he doesn’t look bad to his new family. I don’t grudge Anu at all for her college tuition, atleast she doesn’t have to go through the crap I did. But it sucks that he can afford her tuition and not mine. Not that he has to pay all of it. He’d have to pay a quarter, since mom would pay the other quarter and the scholarship would pay the remaining half. Its very convenient that he left just before I had to graduate. And mom never stops pointing this out and telling me if it weren’t for her I’d be nowhere as dad was never there.
The last time I remember sleeping so well was when I with Nomi. I felt safe. But I can’t be addicted or dependant on that. God knows how many people are going to fuck me over before this all ends. I don’t trust anyone. I mean sure, I can tell people my life story in all its vivid detail. But blabbing away and trusting people are two different things. Trusting them means exposing myself in a way (not literally you pervs!) that allows them to fuck me over but they don’t because I trust them not to do that.
Well I know for one thing that the illusion I had of Suhail is over. I just look at him and see a faded, dead, and completely alien version of what I thought he was to me. I don’t respect him anymore, save the respect a student has for their mentor. He had a glow, an aura about him. That’s all gone now. He’s just a sad, pathetic, workaholic man. But atleast this means I can truly move on now, with whoever it is in my future. Suhail no longer haunts me anymore. Yes, I feel sad at times. But sad because something I once felt had meaning to me no longer means anything. Just like my mom and dad are not mom and dad anymore. They’re just two humans with flaws that sadden and disappoint me. And in a way, failed me. I don’t know if I blame them for anything. I don’t think I do. They’re humans after all. Which is quite sad really. I have no one to put on a pedestal and admire. It’s just too heavy to lift and too emotionally draining to see em crash to the floor and shatter in pieces. I’m one jaded female…..
But Nomi is in my life. Dear, sweet Nomi. I really do think I love him with all my heart. Even if there are alot of things we don’t have in common. And that we sometimes get so mad at each other I wonder why we even are together. But right now, life would be, for the lack of a better phrase, meaningless and a vaccuum without him. Speaking of which, must remember to go dustbuster shopping for him.
Legally Conned: Happy Butt-Day Hammy
Happy Butt-day bub. Woohooo you’re legal now . Too sleepy. Shall rest and work early tmr. gnite…
Current Song in my head:
Pyar mein dil pe maar de goli
Lele meri jaaaannnn
Ho janejaha
Markar bhi yahan
Tera picha chodoo na na na na na na na na…….
Current Song in my head: Pyar mein dil pe maar de…
Current Song in my head:
Pyar mein dil pe maar de goli
Lele meri jaaaannnn
Ho janejaha
Markar bhi yahan
Tera picha chodoo na na na na na na na na…….
Letters To M
Pissed off with myself this weekend. I was supposed to work on only my Ibdaa stuff. But instead of doing that, I spent the weekend partying, unwillingly initially. Thanks bub, you really made me feel great about myself (sarcy). I’ve had it. No more nice me. I’m going to be more stubborn about getting my stuff done. Just cos I’m human and I need sleep doesn’t mean I’m going to party whole day and then work the whole friggin night. I NEED MY SLEEP! I need my goddamn space and my goddamn life back. Stop being a chipkoo.
My weekends are precious to me. That’s the time I relax, catch up on my work and my friends and my life. Clubbing and partying are over-rated. You be in my shoes and then tell me whether you still want to party. Ok, maybe you would. But as I said, I’M NOT YOU. I like working during the time I’m not sleeping. Just cos you don’t sleep doesn’t mean I got to spend my waking time with you. Damn you. And damn me.
As you can guess, I’m blowing steam. I know you’re a sweetheart but you’re killing me with kindness and guilt. Give me my space. And my life back. I liked the way I was living, where I was going at my space and work used to fall together in place, even if it was last minute.
Oh, and one more thing. Please grow up. And stop acting like such a kid.
Pressing Freedom Or Freedom Of The Press?
Freedom of the Press is an issue that has long been fought over by those who want to know and show the truth, and those who believe that ‘truth’ should be regulated to the sensitivities and safety of the community. Freedom of the press, as defined by Wikipedia, “is the guarantee by a government of free public press for its citizens and their associations, extended to members of news gathering organizations, and their published reporting. It also extends to news gathering, and processes involved in obtaining information for public distribution. In the U.S. this right is guaranteed by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution.” 
Most people consider the United States having the most freedom of the press. While this is true by looking at stories covered in the United States and stories covered in say, the United Arab Emirates, but can this necessarily be a good thing?
Freedom should not be abused by printing false stories, hate speech and/or defamation. While false stories can be seen objectively and regulated (since they’re either true or not), the question remains on who decides and controls what constitutes as hate speech or defamation. So who and what should be regulated?
While most people would consider self regulation, the norm is a government or agency stepping in and regulating it for us. Self-regulation only works if we, as journalists, are honest enough to keep our ethics and morals by policing ourselves and others when they step out of line. Since that doesn’t happen as often as we’d hope or like, the government feels they must take over by placing media laws. 
This is the ‘Third Person’ effect – where someone else decides for us (since we’re all stupid and cannot choose between right and wrong) what should we read, watch or hear. Regulation, on the other hand, gets into the ‘slippery slope’ syndrome. If one regulates an issue, how far can you go or stop before it becomes a censorship that denies freedom?
In the recent age, media has become an important factor in promoting democracy. Mass media is a way of reaching the general public. Likewise, the general public can see the variety of choices available through mass media. 
By censoring the media, we limit the public on the choices that they can make. In a sense, complete control of the media is one way of controlling the public, which can lead to dictatorship or communism. Remember 1940’s Germany?
Memoirs Of A Deranged Mind
Suffering from sever depression….yet again. Maybe it’s the post-monthly thing. Been relieveing my depression by watching dumb, brainless movies, mainly the Eurotrip and American Pie series. I think swearing is catching on to me. Fuck this shit.
Have stuff to do for the Ibdaa Awards. Sending in a Documentary and Radio Feature. Shall sit my behind on the comp and work entire weekend, provided I don’t get uber-depressed and become comatose. Feeling like a bottle of Coke that’s been sitting out too long and lost its fizz.
Suzie’s been really helpful with all my probs and all, academically and personally. I adore her. Thank you Suzie.Tommy’s been really helpful too. He’s probably been my mentor on broadcast. Never would have come out of Big’s and prodigies’ shadows had I not been given chances to do stuff I like. Thank you Tommy. God Bless you and your wife and your unborn child. Fauz helped out too. Feel really bad for him. It’s like his heart’s been thrown on the floor, stamped on and flushed down the toilet. I guess I can sorta feel his pain.
Manasa’s been a great help too, although at times I find it real hard to be totally open with her. At times I freak when she gets tooo close. Maybe it’s the Barbara-paranoia. I’m not sure I can really open up to anyone completely. Things have changed even between some of my closest friends. It’s sad, but it’s probably something that’s bound to happen. We can’t be 10 forever, or 13 and sitting on the window sill singing ‘You Sexy Thing’ at the top of our voices during lunch break. Nor can we go on to the beach with chips and hummus and bitch about the men in our lives. I hate college. Everything’s changed since then, and sometimes I think it’s for the worst. Yea sure, I’m learning film, but the people that matter to me most are gone. All gone…
Neda and Haneen really piss me off. But the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I’m not as loud, obnoxios, rude or hypocritical like them. They may try to look good at the expense of making me look like an idiot, but I’m not gonna let them. I’m going to prove to them, and everyone, that I’m not stupid and I’m not just an average technician who creates other people’s ideas, but I can be a great filmmaker. I keep chanting the mantra of ‘Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.’
We had to find our happy places today, and Tommy was so soothing I felt relaxed enough. But as for happy moments, I couldn’t really think of any outstanding ones. Except maybe being in Nomi’s arms, being in my dad’s arms after so long, or when Suzie said she forgave me at the begining of the semester. Or that Tommy found potential in me. But I dunno why, but I feel like he’s ignoring me, or doesn’t find me as good as before. Neda and Haneen seem to take most of his attention. I don’t feel so nice or special anymore. Maybe he’s just cranky. I don’t know.
Anyway, Suzie’s given me an assignment to complete. Must finish that up and atleast let her still be proud of me….if she is, that is. I don’t know. I think I’m getting way too paranoid. Must take my happy pills and not think suicidal. Although it’s very tempting to just finish the Baygon spray, there’s a part of me that knows it’ll probably end soon and then everyone can say good riddance and move on and forget there ever was a bitch known as Mariam Ahmad. Oops, that the manically depressed part of me talking. I’m just gonna shut the fuck up and work. Tata to all you imbeciles.
