B-Day Blues
Ho hum…..the birthday glum. Feel really down in the dumps. Nomi has yet to call me. I called him for some good car opportunities, but besides that, not one word of Global Day. Feel extremely miniscule and insignificant. Also feel like the treadmill syndrome. Me thinks the love has gone from his side and I’m just part of his list of things to do, or worse, on no list.
Feel like lying down and just biodegrade to nothing. The future that seemed so bright has faded into the blur of nothingness. Feel so low and undeserving that everything seems obscure and bleak. I really do feel like no-one can understand the depth (or shallowness) of the complicated mess of feelings I’m having. Either I should be some depressed and drunk philosopher or a lyricist for a teen angst star.
I need to zone out, space out – anything to block out the despair and pain. Need to cook food…that way I can take my mind of things. My sister depresses me. Not because she doesn’t do anything, but because she does more for me than I desrve. I feel so guilty and undeserving. I feel guilty for alot of things. I can never be enough for anyone, let alone myself. I wish I could be the perfect daughter, the daughter who isn’t a burden on her parents and could be the best in everything. Or the perfect sister who wasn’t a burden on her sister’s marriage and who could pay for everything. Or the perfect girlfriend who was perfectly right in everything and who would always be loved by her boyfriend and not always criticized for being fat or ugly or unkempt or who was rich and successful and could afford everything. I wish I was perfect so that I’d always be loved.
I want to die. Die soon. I hate myself.
Last Global Day
Just got back from Global day….my last one in AUS. Kinda anti-climatic. Slogged my ass off for two-three weeks for a 2 minute dance and a 1 minute grand finale. Good thing is I got a neat costume out of it. Feels kinda depressing overall despite the euphoria of dancing again.
Very bugged with Mr. Nauman Syed for not showing up. Even more annoyed for him not calling me or smsing…or frankly anything…before or during…or at this point even after my performance. Damn him…..gah! men…….
Extremelt high and sleepy hence the fragment sentences and typos galoer.
PS: will see if Ctrl+S works….
Tears In Heaven….
In fuckin blue mood. v. depressed. Well, not exactly depression. More like the feeling of guilt and worthlessness. I keep feeling like I’m not worthy and even if I spend my whole life paying emotional and grateful debts, it’ll never be enough. Sometimes I feel like everyone would be so much happier and live better lives if I were to just leave the face of this Earth or never been born.
Found out a while back my sis is getting me a Powerbook at the cost of having Raj bitch about her doling out so much cash. I feel horrid. Not horrid nor ungrateful for receiving it, but horror at seeing my sister go through so much. It makes me cry. Mom and dad keep telling me they can’t afford it and maybe I’m not worth it. If I want it, I’ll work forit and pay it, after I pay em back for every fil they’ve spent on me. I’m ok with that. maybe I deserve it. I don’t deserve anything but pain and misfortune. I’m a worthless piece of crap. I wish I could just die.
Starting out a new diet plan: eat little and then lax it out. Must look for cheap laxatives. I need to lose weight. Appease hunger by water and sugar-free chewing gum. Maybe have extra lax and kill myself while I’m at it. I want to just die. I hate myself. I hate my fat, ugly, vanilla me. What made me ever think I could make a difference to the world, or for that matter even oe person? Things move on even when I’m gone. Infact, move on for the better.
Some lyrics that I feel are in my heart right now:
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Beyond the door
There’s peace I’m sure.
And I know there’ll be no more…
(Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton)
