Mars World

Wow, it’s been quite a while since I last blogged. Hmmm…let’s see, loads of things have happened since then. For one, I got an internship at ZEE TV. Two, I am now the proud owner of a MAC Book Pro and Final Cut Pro and adobe package. Three, I’m working for Suzie and I love my job. Four, my doc got the Runner’s Up for Critic’s Ballot at “Sight Unblocked 2006″ which was a great feeling for me.

Now that most of the catching up is done, I’ll be heading to Portland in another few days. Leaving my car with Nomi….I’ll miss him loads. I can’t believe its been six months now. It’s been going good so far…my most stable relationship to date. And he came to my bday party….another good sign and the jinx is broken. Spent Eid too….maybe I’m not cursed to be single during the holidays after all.

I’m finally graduating and banner says so….so yipee! I don’t know why I’m getting so senti nowadays. I’ll miss being in Tommy’s classes….they’ve been fun and I’ve learnt so much *sniff sniff*. Even Andy isn’t so bad n I like him too, although I still don’t like Advertising research and I think he’s a slave driver.

I’ve been mulling the last few days over what I’ve done in my life so far. Now that I actually see myself and my deeds, I cringe and I do feel a sense of regret, maybe not completely but 99.9% of it I do. Maybe being in a stable relationship makes me feel that way. I would never want to hurt or harm Nomi in anyway. I’d seriously die before I do that.

There’s a feeling inside me which I doubt anyone can understand without judging or predeciding before I finish my thoughts. Not even my best friends, let alone my family or even Nomi. I do feel a sense of regret of not being with Suhail, but that doesn’t mean I want to go back to him, or that I currently have any feelings or inclinations towards him. Just the opposite. Meeting him long before had established the fact that my chapter with him is firmly closed. The only thing left between us is this understanding, maybe even friendship of a mentor and disciple(if there ever was such a term). This regret possibly has to do with the fact that he was probably the person closest to really understanding who I am, what I am, and helping me realise what I can be. Even my sis would rather have me be with him than Nomi. But she doesn’t know the full story to realise that Nomi cares about me more than anyone else can ever. Maybe the fact that Suhail knew me so deep is my weakness.

I don’t love Suhail anymore, I love Nomi deeply. There’s a comfort and a love for him that goes way beyond my feelings for Suhail. My discussion of both doesn’t mean I’m in a triangle, but is just a way to emphasise the fact I love Nomi so much more. But perhaps my past and the hurt has made it so much more difficult for me to show how much I care about him. I understand he has his securities about me, and I don’t blame him. Maybe I have indirectly turned into the cold men I had given myself up to. People say I think too much and worry too much. But thinking is the only thing that keeps me sane and prevents me from really going to low. Maybe I can fool others and act the way they want me to be, or even how I want them to think me to be, but I can never fool myself. I can always catch my own bluffs, no matter how good I try fooling myself.

People keep telling me I haven’t seen the world and I don’t know life yet, nor what traps it has, but they never stop to listen to what I’ve gone through or what I already know. I’m not a little child. I may not know everything, but I’ve seen enough, and then some, to know the nature of men, even the lowest and worst nature of men.

I used to blame my parents for causing whatever miseries I had in life, and maybe in part I still do. But I’ve also come to realise that it’s also my choice and my fault that life has come to this way so far.