Back To School Champs…..
First week of the last semester has officially ended. *phew* Looks to be an interesting finish (or beginning of the finish). My courses are Intro to European Classical Music, Andulsian Symbiosis, Media Production and Management, Literature as Film, Independent Study and Film Festival. Oh, and I’m attending Broadcast Journalism for kicks. I’m thinking of attending Survey of World Music for kicks too. Yes, I’m the nerd alright. And when I’m not in class, I’m in Suzie’s office working. I actually like it that way…hide away from the world. I feel safe around Suzie and around work.
Nomi n I broke up…that isn’t anything new. But I spoke to him and it was a long conversation of screaming, blaming, mistrust and emotional baggage. Maybe I love him alot, and he loves me too. But one thing’s for sure: we don’t trust each other. I can’t trust him to treat me right or stay should I be completely dependent on him, or even a little dependent; and he can’t trust me to be there for him when he really needs me. Unless we can start over and forget the past, we’d never be happy together. Right now everything inside me is one big confusing mush. I can’t move on, yet I can’t fix my current state of affairs. I feel so crap….
Current Song In My Head:
A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
Go to sleep. Everything is all right.
I close my eyes,
Then I drift away
Into the magic night.
I softly say
A silent prayer
Like dreamers do.
Then I fall asleep to dream
My dreams of you.
In dreams I walk with you.
In dreams I talk to you.
In dreams you’re mine.
All of the time we’re together
In dreams, In dreams.
But just before the dawn,
I awake and find you gone.
I can’t help it,
I can’t help it, if I cry.
I remember that you said goodbye.
It’s too bad that all these things,
Can only happen in my dreams
Only in dreams
In beautiful dreams.
Current Song In My Head: A candy-colored clown th…
Current Song In My Head:
A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
Go to sleep. Everything is all right.
I close my eyes,
Then I drift away
Into the magic night.
I softly say
A silent prayer
Like dreamers do.
Then I fall asleep to dream
My dreams of you.
In dreams I walk with you.
In dreams I talk to you.
In dreams you’re mine.
All of the time we’re together
In dreams, In dreams.
But just before the dawn,
I awake and find you gone.
I can’t help it,
I can’t help it, if I cry.
I remember that you said goodbye.
It’s too bad that all these things,
Can only happen in my dreams
Only in dreams
In beautiful dreams.
The Break Up
Everything feels so burry and foggy the past few days. Nomi and I broke up this weekend. Because I walked out. I don’t know if I did the right thing and whether this is what I want. I feel sad, upset, hurt, angry, frustrated and confused. I feel guilty too. But I don’t want to feel this way.
But I know I can’t go back to him. I cannot go back to a person who may or may not consciously take me for granted. I don’t want to feel controlled. I’ve seen my own dad bully and push my mom around, and I see that happening with my sister and Raj. I cannot let that happen to me. I can’t also let myself be blamed for things that aren’t my fault or not in my control. I can’t always save and protect him and then be blamed if I don’t. I so want to be loved and respected. But I guess that isn’t the case.
I will miss him. I miss him even now. I miss that feeling of comfort and warmth. But I know I can’t go back. Going back would mean letting him take me for granted and allowing him to treat me like a spineless doormat. This is hard for me but I know no one will really understand the pain I’m going through. Moving on will be very hard for me now as I’m not ready for a no-strings attached fling. I don’t know if I can go back to being the kiss-and-go girl that I used to be before Nomi.
I don’t compare new guys to Nomi or anyone, but no-one makes the cut yet. They all just seem like sex-driven, mindless, horny losers with no manners. And guys that seem to make the cut just never notice me…or end up just being my friend and nothing more. That makes me feel even lower than I do right now. I need male attention. Girls just will irritate me further. Becoming a lesbian at this point of time is not a good idea. I’d just hate myself more than I do now. I’m tired….and so alone.
The Flung and The Restlessness….
Zahid’s in town…that should keep me busy eh? Then why do I still feel so lousy? Why do photographs depress me so…especially photos of old school friends having the time of their life…lost weight, amazing jobs, amazing social life, amazing gf/bf… While I’m stuck here overweight, got practically mowed down by her first job (intern), no social life to speak of except when the aforementioned school friends come to town with their amazing lives wishing they were there instead of the dump Dubai has become, a bf i can’t decide if I love him enough to stay, but not enough to not think about other dudes. Let’s face it – I’m a total fuck-up. Even my folks think I’m a fuck up.
I need to get out of here. I need to go out somewhere and see the world (and its men). I reached a point in life where I really don’t know what I want, but I know whatever it is isn’t here. There’s this restlessness in me that’s telling me that maybe greener pastures are just a plane away. This world is going to hell, and before my life ends I want to go out and see it before it becomes a dump. Maybe I’m saying this because I got cheated out of a summer holiday this year. Dhaka isn’t exactly a holiday when everytime I go there someone from my family has kicked the bucket, wiping out another face from the family. I’m reaching an age where mortality leaves me humbled. Unless I want my genes to decompose without it getting copied, I have to pass it on somehow, I need to have a legacy, adopted or birthed. We all want to leave our mark on this world, to make a difference. I’m no different. I want to leave knowing people will remember me; that I have made a difference to this hell-hole. Man, I’m starting to now sound like one of ‘em paegent girlies. Gah!
Food causes me more pain than any human. It betrays me and rapes my mind and yet comforts me when I need it. I can’t live with it – I certainly can’t live without it. And seeing Sam so thin now from what he was depresses me further. I used to be of a decent weight…what’s become of me?! What is the matter with me?! I need to control it…and control it soon. Maybe I can take gluco, not eat and laxative it out if I ever do. Isabgol and Gluco are now going to be my two best friends. I know I will become beautiful when he puts friendship aside and says he likes me. Then I’ll know I’m worth something. I’m so clinically depressed.
Current Song In My Head:
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna – 2
kehna hai tumse ae mere yaar
i love you for you are - 3
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna – 2
kehna hai tume ae mere yaar
i love you for you are …
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna
kehna hai tume ae mere yaar
i love you for you are …
o o baby love me for what i am
i will love you for who you are
aw aw baby – 2
mere ehsaas mein hai tasavuur tera
teri aaghosh mein chain rehta mera
aw aw baby
meri deewangi hadh se aage badhi
meri nigaahon mein tu
tu hi tu har ghadi
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna
kehna hai tume ae mere yaar
i love you for you are …
you drive me wild you drive me crazy
i love you so o baby baby
you make me mad you make me crazy
i want you so o baby baby
tanha tanha hai dil dil ki manzil hai tu
keh rahi dhadkanein mujhmein shaamil hai tu
aw aw baby
ab na toote kabhi yeh haseen silsilay
chahe kar lo sanam jitne shikwe gile
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna
kehna hai tumse ae mere yaar
i love for you are….
Current Song In My Head: jaise ho waise rehna tum…
Current Song In My Head:
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna – 2
kehna hai tumse ae mere yaar
i love you for you are - 3
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna – 2
kehna hai tume ae mere yaar
i love you for you are …
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna
kehna hai tume ae mere yaar
i love you for you are …
o o baby love me for what i am
i will love you for who you are
aw aw baby – 2
mere ehsaas mein hai tasavuur tera
teri aaghosh mein chain rehta mera
aw aw baby
meri deewangi hadh se aage badhi
meri nigaahon mein tu
tu hi tu har ghadi
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna
kehna hai tume ae mere yaar
i love you for you are …
you drive me wild you drive me crazy
i love you so o baby baby
you make me mad you make me crazy
i want you so o baby baby
tanha tanha hai dil dil ki manzil hai tu
keh rahi dhadkanein mujhmein shaamil hai tu
aw aw baby
ab na toote kabhi yeh haseen silsilay
chahe kar lo sanam jitne shikwe gile
jaise ho waise rehna tumse bas yahi kehna
kehna hai tumse ae mere yaar
i love for you are….
Jogger’s Lark
Started a new regime of walking everyday….for atleast an hour. And to make sure I have no excuse, I bought myself an mp3 player/radio to plug myself into while huffing and puffing away at Mamzar. That cost me my week’s living…so I’m going to hibernate for a while till I get some dough.
Otherwise things have been getting better (Of course it will when people get out of depression! Duh!). Got my car back and got a load of my chest with Nomi. He doesn’t want to end us and that’s the first time I’ve seen a grown man cry. I’m still not sure if I want to be with him, but I said I’d give him a chance. So let’s see what happens.
Carmen’s leaving and Zahid’s coming in. Hamsa’s here too till the end of August. People coming and going…it’s bittersweet. I miss A-Level days….they really were something. Plus, I was a size 11….now I’m officially a size 18-20. Gahhh! Wake up call!
Dad’s words still bite…I’m just trying to ignore it. I need to get out of Dubai – see the world, find Mr. Right, become something.
Ex, Lies and DVtapes…..
Alo alo alo….been a while since I blogged. V. v. depressed and just managed to pull myself out before I feel into the bottomless dark void it is. Yes, I am getting a little dramatic.
That aside, I have a Dubai TV job interview tomorrow so let’s see how that goes. According to dad, I would have been better off making a living cleaning people’s mouths then going into this ‘artsy-phartsy’ stuff of media. Hmph.
Had the usual chat with S. No, he’s not getting married, and yes, he still wants to get under my skirts so the gridlock remains. Grrrrrrrr. Nomi isn’t exactly the adorable little (ha!) bear either. I think I’m going to dump him soon if he doesn’t get his act together.
New scapegoat trick from Zee: they lose some tapes I have no recollection of and blame me for it. Whatever…..not my problem.
Starting a new diet….or so. Let’s see how it goes. Have a love-hate relationship with food. Bah humbug!!! Need some chocs….bad.
