Random Ramblings….
Eid mubarak….yeay. Ramadan is over. Eid is here. And I’m so bored I could probably do some serious damage. And maybe I already have. I just keep surprising myself…..
But for now I’m bored enough to ramble on right now. Since no-one is in town or bothers calling me, or anyone of interest to talk on MSN…or even Yahoo…I must resort to talking to myself. So thus the random rambling.
Let’s start off with the music I’m currently listening to. I think I’m going down Bollywood memory lane and listening to some songs from the 80’s and 90’s. You know, the ones where the girl and guy sing of new love and strong everlasting mush, gyrating and hipshaking on a hill or some green area with atleast 1000 dancers dancing in the background with the same costume. And did I forget the minimum 5 costume changes throughout the song? Hehe….I’m daydreaming me and Xex in the ridiculous getups…tee hee….*giggle*
Speaking of Xex, no call from him. But I can understand. With his chauddo gushti over there, I doubt he has time to get away for a phone call. But it would still be nice to hear from him. I miss him, miss his company, miss every part of him with every part of me. Although there’s a part of me which is screaming LIARRRRRRRRR. My conscience…..I’m such a whore. Slut. hmm…can’t think of any more curses.
For that matter, A messaged me from Pak to wish me, which really surprised me. I don’t get him. On one hand, he acts like I don’t exist. On the other hand, he appears out of the blue like no distance ever separated. Then there’s S. I finally succeeded in alienating him completely. Now when I call, he acts like Mr. Oh-I’m-Too-Busy-Socialising-With-Everyone-Else. Fine. Like I give a damn. Men…..irritating pieces of %$^^%##$#^&$$$$&^$^$.
Went for Jaaneman yesterday. Really good film 
.
It’s so sad. I have a new phone with cool features yet hardly anyone ever calls me on it. Whatever……Hmph. Double hmph.
I’m now listening to tango stuff. It makes me glow from inside with warmth and passion. I need to cool off before I do something stupid like……like see people I shouldn’t be seeing. *sigh* My friends were right…I’m simply hopeless. And absolutely slutty. *double sigh* I don’t deserve Xex. I’m going to go sleep now. I’m bored out of my brains.
Ms. Lonely
I’m feeling very much alone at this moment. I’m so tired of having defend my family members from each other. Whether it be defending my mom from my dad and sister, or defending my sister from my mom, or even defending my dad from my mom…I’m so sick of it. Why do I have to do it? I really miss Xex right now. But I’m not going to wish he’s here. He’s got enough on his plate, I don’t need to add my own problems. Besides, I’m a big girl right? I can handle it.
I hope Xex is happy where he is now and that he gets whatever he wants in life, even if it means not me. As much as I miss him and want him in my life, I know he is so much better off and happier with her and without a person like me to mess everything up. What can I possibly give him? Or anyone? Nothing at all. I’m a blockhead with no culture, no nothing. And I’m a sucky teacher. What makes me think I can take care of anyone, let alone a small creature who depends on me for everything. I am not fit to be a mother or care-taker. I can’t even take care of myself.
I need to keep busy, be lost in work because losing myself in work doesn’t let me think of anything else. I feel like I have lost my sister. I never thought changing religions would make a differencesince a person remains the same in essence. But it has made a difference. She is no longer the sister I know and love and care and respect. Her family is now Raj and his parents. Its like my parents are no longer hers. She’s become a mallu aunty who is so narrow-minded that she can’t respect my own decisions and choices. She makes me feel bad for trying to be a better muslim or trying to discover myself and my religion. She makes me feel bad and upset for being with pakis. What’s wrong with them? They’re humans too.
Funny thing was I never did respect them much until I met Xex. Maybe it was ignorance, or bad experiences with men. Possibly a combination of both. But what makes me have so much more respect and awe of them was not cos Xex is from there, but because of how proud he is of his country without making me feel stupid or insulting me and how he showed off a side of Pakistan I have never seen before. Nomi was a proud arrogant and chauvanistic guy who just kept dissing Indians and indirectly me. Xex never did that.
Alot of things sadden me. The death of my family….the one I held in my head. Living people make me cry, not dead ones. Death for me is not a sorrowful moment. Everyone has their time and they leave. But in heart of hearts, they are not really gone. Their spirit and their memories live in me. Only their physical presence is missing. However, living people who leave cause me pain and sorrow. Not only are they physically gone, but their essense and spirit also goes. The memories of the present erase any good memories I have of the past. The fact that they are no longer there and making their life with someone else is more powerful than any past memory I can retain of them with me. It’s like having dreams shatter. Try as you may to put the pieces back together, but the cracks will always remain. It’s like finding out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Suddenly everything becomes meaningless and pointless. Why make relationships when things disintegrate and the goodness you wanted to see in a person fades away? It hurts finding out that your parents are human after all. They can’t always be there for you…or worse, they really don’t give two shits about you.
I need to go away from everything. Get away from the all the madness. I wish I could sleep and stay in my dreams forever…unshattered, whole dreams that don’t vanish when I wake up.
Kehdo Na…..
I’m feeling a strong emotion at the moment. I can’t place the feeling exactly….but it is one of longing, of an unfulfilled desire. I want to hear that one word from him, hear it with the emotions and tone that fill me with a sigh and the world is alright again. The crazy spinning around stops and everything makes sense again. Please say that word…..
What’s wrong with me? Why do I never learn from experience? Why must I always go back to being a gushy 16-yr-old that pines and sighs and lives only to hear or catch a glimpse of someone? I’ll never learn…..
I’ve got it bad and I’m a hopeless case….hopeless. Lost cause. I’m going to hit rock bottom very hard and very soon. Why oh why….
Come back soon. I miss you so….
Sleeping Beauty
I’m in such a pissy mood today. The only highlight of the day would be getting a call from Xex. He’s perfectly fine, and he wanted to know whether I got Deepti’s gift, which I have. It’s a really nice cross pen, hopefully one that he and she will like. I always get scared doing something for Xex cos a part of me always feels that he can do so much better.
Dad and Ronniema gave me some cash for Eidi…enough to get a new phone. It’s high time since my phone is really old…about four years old. But when I told my sister and mom what I planned on doing with the money, they went ballistic and said I should save. I mean wtf??!!! What have I been doing all these months??!! Heck, I don’t splurge and for once I just want to spend something on myself and get the Sony Ericsson W550i….but nooooo, I can’t spend money that I got for Eid on something I want to buy. For crying out loud! I’m 22, not 15. Fuck it…I don’t even want the damn phone anymore. I don’t want anything. I’ll just let the money rot somewhere and become good fertiliser for some fucking futuristic garden for my great-great-great-great-great-grandkid’s science project. Again, subject to if I can have a kid to begin with.
Ackh, I’m just so cranky and irritable. Maybe I miss him too much. Maybe being away and so far with everything working against me is making my good intentions turn to paranoia. Making me feel like she’s earning brownie points and ruining all that I’ve managed to accomplish in the past few weeks with just one look or one smile. It’s driving me insane. All those words he says rings through my mind….She’s his first choice…ever since he hit puberty that’s all the girl he’s known….it fucking hurts. I want to unsheath my claws and rip anything I can get my hands on, to scream with all the pain and insanity that’s itching at me. I’m going mad. It’s enough to get me on my knees and just bawl my heart out as my innards are being ripped and slowly drip blood onto a nice clean floor….yes, its gross and that’s how I feel. I might not feel peace until I either kill someone or smash something or even ruin someone’s life.
But its not about Xex. I know him. He will never want to purposely hurt me. There’s a part of me that believes him and knows that he’s probably thinking of me. Goddamn it…I miss him so much it hurts. I need him now when my sister drives me insane. She’s turned into a Goddamn mallu and a catholic to boot. But have I said anything? No. I’ve respected her decision and I love her just as much. But can’t she respect my decisions and my life? No. She spits out the word ‘Paki’ like it’s some vile thing. She makes me feel bad for trying to be a better muslim, even if it is in small increments. I feel so torn, like I’m betraying her in some way. It’s no point trying to intro Xex to her, she will hate him without even trying. She’s sneaky that way. She’ll be sugar and honey to try prove ‘ oh i love my sister so much i’m willing to associate myself to people lower than me’. then undermines my guy or me. then after things get over, says ‘i told u so’.
I just want to sleep and wake up to everything being all fine. Wake up with a kiss….a kiss by Prince Charming. Awaken to the dawn of a bright new day of hope. Not to the bleakness I feel right now.
One Lifetime In A Weekend
This is the first time I’m writing about something that isn’t about commiting suicide or being depressed to the point of being suicidal. It’s about preserving bittersweet memories…of reliving the lifetime I have spent in a span of a few days. A lifetime that is so beautiful I would truly blessed to experience it again.
These are the days I spent with Xex. The days spent talking about each other, about life, about each other, about truths and lies, about our future aspirations and dreams….about everything and nothing that matters. Bittersweet because the sweetness is the glimpse of the ripe future waiting out to be reached and grabbed; bitter because of the reality of the vaccuum that is my destiny.
God, I want to ask You something. Why must You play with my heart and mind like this? Why must You show me the glimmer of hope that could possibly brighten the black bleakness of my life and yet throw me back into that abyss? Why? Why……
This is probably one of the very few moments I have exerienced where I felt what true loving and caring for a person is. To be selfless and to only think of making the other happy, even if it means killing yourself and bleeding for them. I will always remember this weekend….the weekend where I lived another life…a beautiful life. I love you with all my being…but I will never let you realise how much so. Because doing so will only hurt me. I know in reality I cannot live like a nun and others may come….but you have a place in my heart and I will always regret us not being more than what our relationship must be. I may not be your first choice…but you will always be mine from now on. If I ever cry, I will never let you know. It is my cross to bear. It is my private secret. Every night I sleep imagining you are with me….and in ways, you are.
Why does love always have a greater meaning when its a love that must be lost or unspoken or unrequited? This is not fair God, not fair at all. But surprisingly I cannot cry. Maybe because I’ve shed all that I could shed. Because maybe I can’t cry when the person is worth the tears. I love you…..atb.
Take The Bleed
I know I should be working right now, but I need to vent my emotions, my feeling of despair. I hope that these are just fleeting moments and not my old symptoms coming back. The black despair, the feeling of a Dementor sucking all the happiness out of me.
I’m losing weight, which is a good thing. I’m not losing it fast enough, which is a bad thing. I might lose the one person I want in the whole world, that’s worse. November decides my fate….let’s see what sort of sick humor they have up in the sky. This is also one the moments where I feel life really isn’t fair. God, its a sad, sad joke You’re playing with me.
I wish I didn’t have to live with the feeling of me not being the first choice. That people are stuck with me because they had to. Love is something I’ve wanted so bad, where my dignity means nothing, where I will beg and plead, grovel and lie bleeding and be at their mercy. But I’m never going to be a first choice. Wow, maybe I should write a song.
But a career is all I have now. Nothing. Empty. Bleak office walls. I want to cry now. I need sleep. I need food. I need to get some. gah…..
