PPIFF Videos
New videos have been added to the PPIFF collection so check that out:
This week has been hella busy with us trying to have a media and press launch of PPIFF. I’m also now working for DIFF (Dubai Intl Film Fest for the acronym-challenged) so that should keep me busy.
Personally, I wonder if I crib too much and spend too much time obssessing over my love life (or the lack of it!). Why do I put so much importance in having someone around? Why can’t I be happy living on my own? I don’t know.
I have gone over to the dark side and I am now having black tea regularly. With two-three teabags per mug. I need my caffeeine kick. Just when I thought I could be caffeine-free. Go figure……
Speaking of figures, I need to build mine. Must lose my tummy. I look like I’m having twins any moment. So not funny.
Xex says I’m way too serious about B. I’m sooooooo not serious about B. I mean, yea I want it to work, but I’m not obssessing over it. Especially since B has become Mr. Big Shot and has no time for me. Which is funny since I’m supposed to be the busier one. Maybe he doesn’t like me as much. Horror of all horrors – I’m single yet again. Noooooooooooooo. Being single means obssessing over why I can’t have Xex. Atleast being with someone helps me work on what I have, rather than cribbing over what I can’t. And I’m in no mood to have flings either. I’m growing old…..GAH!
Disclosure And The Baby Blues….
Watched Aitraaz today…quite a few times. I don’t know why the movie attracts me so. There are some films which just speak out to me and I feel a connection with them. For those who haven’t seen Aitraaz and don’t know hindi, it’s heavily inspired by the film Disclosure.
Right now I feel like I am Priyanka Chopra/Demi Moore. And Xex is my Akshay Kumar/Micheal Douglas. Whenever we were together, it used to be like fireworks. Everything was on fire and everything seemed so right, even though it may not be so. It may have been probably passion and lust of the moment, but for me it felt like love too. And now he’s to become someone else’s. And that hurts. It makes me jealous and insane. Maybe in my insanity I don’t care if he’s someone else’s. I still want him just as bad and even being with him after his marriage doesn’t matter. I just want him.
I tried seeing if he still wants me this weekend. But he resisted me. And perhaps I went a little beserk. I lost my mind. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. And I’m not treating B properly. I may lose him too and losing him would undo me, unravel me, make me really step over the edge. I’m losing my mind and nothing seems to be going right. GODDAMNIT!!! I don’t know what I want anymore.
Is it wrong to feel like I want to be married and settled with someone? Is it wrong to wish I have a happy life with someone instead of a great career filled with nothing but an empty house and a cat? Aggghh….I want to be loved so bad. I want to feel like I mean something to someone and that I make a difference to someone’s life. That I just don’t die into oblivion…..
The only good news so far was that I got the DIFF apprenticeship program and I’m gonna get paid for it too! Yeay.
*yawn*
Today was a pleasant day. I spent time with B. My gut is still telling me that not everything is ok, but I’m trying to ignore it. I’m sleepy so I will write more later.
Ironic
Had quality time with Xex today. We talked about some things that mattered. Maybe I got closure this way, but at the same time it does hurt hearing and realising some things. I know in the back of my head I still care alot for him and more, but for now I can be just friends and be comfortable in doing just that.
On the other hand, I don’t know why I get so irritable with B. Just when everything seems to be going well, some small thing happens and it triggers off so many things and I blow a fuse. Maybe its just the fact that I want something and have something else. I’m trying so hard to like what I have and I care for B. But sometimes I get scared of attaching myself and then being wrong.
Maybe I’m jealous of Xex and his dedication to what he wants now. To settle and get his house. I thought I saw devotion, but it was nothing like what I see now. And it hurts that it isn’t for me. *sigh* Life has it’s funny way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.
I should quote a line from Alanis Morrisette’s song:
It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
It’s like meeting the man of your dreams…and then meeting his beautiful wife
PSA for PPIFF
Here’s the uncensored and new 30-sec PSA (Public Service Announcement for the unitiated) for the PPIFF:
My documentary on youtube
I finally got my doc on youtube so enjoy:
Do feel free to comment on them 
PPIFF Interview
Thank’s to Prof. Keith’s 306 Broadcast Journalism class for this interview. This is Samar, Festival Chair, being interviewed about PPIFF:
Random Ramblings Of A Intoxicated Paranoic
Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe I am losing it. But why does it happen that everything goes my way until I give in and say yes? It seems like everything goes downhill from there and I get taken for granted. I’ve started spending more time with B and I’m beginning to like him, but now he just seems distant and well…he got me now, so why work so hard? Maybe it is cos he’s busy at work. Or maybe…
And now the last month of university has begun and everything is coming on to me. It’s alot of work and just looking at the amount gives a headache. And my systems go on overdrive and refuse to work or even try to begin to work. I’m scared I won’t graduate and the fear paralyses me even further. And the worry that no-one cares for me the way I want them to further makes me feel minute and insignificant. I don’t know what is wrong with me and why I’m acting so bloody rotten. All I know or want right now is to run off somewhere and be able to breathe and fix my head so that I don’t endanger myself with my own thoughts.
I manage to fuck stuff up all the bloody time (this is where my swearing begins). Either people end up treating me like I’m some fragile thing about to crumble to bits or that I’m not worth their time. Why can’t people be normal around me? Why can’t I finish writing the paper I have due in a few hours? Why am I talking absolute BS? I hate people and I hate everyone. But the person I hate the most in the whole world is myself.
Restlessness…
Why do I feel so unsettled and restless? What is wrong with me? No, this can’t be happening. No no no NO. Not again. Why do I actually feel bad that I didn’t meet him today? No God, this can’t be happening again. No no no no no no nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I can’t fall for it again. I can’t can’t CAN’T. I’m falling for the habit again. No no no no no no no noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Why am I getting paranoid? I keep saying it’s too soon. IT IS TOO SOON. Nothing is making sense. Why can’t I just sit it out and see this through and then when he goes be better off and unhurt? Why must I go through all of this again and be at a point where I can get hurt? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. STOP IT. STOP THINKING. STOP GETTING SO PARANOID. GET A GRIP WOMAN! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT FRIGGIN HO AND THAT’S ALL YOU ARE WORTH FOR. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU WANT AND BE HAPPY?! YOU DON’T DESERVE IT. THE ONLY THING YOU DESERVE IS EITHER A LOONY BIN OR TO FUCKING DIE. DIE DIE DIE. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU THINK ANYONE GIVES A FUCKING DAMN IF YOU LIVE OR DIE?! NO FUCKING WAY. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU ARE STUPID, WORTHLESS AND GOOD FOR NOTHING EXCEPT TO DIE. SO GO DO THAT AND LEAVE EVERYONE IN PEACE.
That’s it. Maybe that’s what I should do. Make everyone happy and just disappear. I am a sick person and I just screw everything up. I must end it all.
