Happy Holidays….
Just got home after a whirlwind of events. First things first, I passed everything and I’m now an undergraduate!! I am now the proud holder of a B.A. in Mass Communications!!! wooohoooooooo…
Second, I think I may have been able to get some of my priorities right. As much as I loved Xex and perhaps still do, it’s time to let it rest and move on. I know I probably won’t come across someone like him, and perhaps it is better that I don’t. I’m not ready to be swept off my feet to be dropped so roughly.
On the other hand, I do want the companionship of someone who can fulfill me emotionally. And maybe I have found someone like that. I will say more about this later as I need to time to see if this is what I think it is.
I’m going to be an aunt. I should be happy right? I am happy. I’m thrilled. But yet I am sad. Because I know this will be the final wedge in the divide between my sister and our family. And it makes me even sadder at the cruel injustice that my sister has given to my mom and dad. My dad has done so little for us yet he gets to enjoy his grandchild, and yet my mom made one decision for herself and she gets denied the right? That is so fucking unfair. If anyone deserves to see the grandchild, it will be mom.
I want to say so much right now but my brain is confused and foggy. Maybe it is the lack of sleep. I’m going to catch some Z’s now. Oh, and happy xmas, eid mubarak and happy new year.
Crap.
It’s not fair. It really isn’t. How can he so easily walk away from everything? How can he just treat me like crap? How can Xex just walk out on me. Well, he just did. And I’m angry. And frustrated. And upset.
I’m trying hard to convince myself that I don’t care. That it’s his loss. That it isn’t only my fault. But its hard. And it does hurt. And I do care. And I feel more at loss than he ever will. He’s getting all he wants. Getting married to the girl of his dreams, his work will eventually work out. I’m the one stuck here at a point in time with no job, nobody I love….and no hope. All hope that I feel is shallow and superficial. It gets banished the minute I think of him or feel the prick of reality sinking in and the realization that nothing will come true. It’s all a fucking lie. If my moment right now were a Bollywood film, I’d be throwing furniture around and breaking things and bawling my eyes out. Instead, all I do is dope myself out on Phillip Morris and sleep hoping that I pass out for good. But even that doesn’t happen.
I have changed. I don’t like the change. But I can’t go back. I don’t think I like myself anymore than I did before. Instead, if anything, I feel worse.
Happy Holidays?
The holiday season is on us again and frankly I don’t feel very Xmas-sy or Eid-ish or even in the mood for New Years. Where did all the magic go? What changed? There was a time when I would look forward for any excuse to celebrate, even if the occasion wasn’t of my religion or community. And now, I see no difference between a normal day and the holidays.
Maybe its because all these holidays have been over-commercialized and its all about being together with family and friends. What happens when you’re alone then? Do you get excluded, feel like the loser for not fitting in? Or get pitied on like some orphan because you have no family or friends?
What’s the big deal about holidays anyway? You spend way too much money, eat way too much, and in the end you regret losing so much cash and gaining so much weight. Plus so much work gets piled up that you regret taking the holiday anyway. Nothing like a big wake-up call when you head back to work and see the pile-up sitting on your desk. And if you’re the type to catch up on booze over the break, then there’s a massive hangover to deal with too.
When I’m not thinking about PPIFF and all, I’ve been reflecting about the year and what has happened. I will make a good/bad list soon. But for now, I think that besides graduating and PPIFF/DIFF, the most life-changing thing that has happened to me is Xex. And no, its not because I’m fixated on him, but because his presence (and then absence) has changed my perspective on alot of things. I’ve had to see myself for the first time, really see myself. And what I see, I don’t like. I’m trying to make myself better, less negative, but its been so hard. I’ve missed out on guys because I’m so negative. Yet, I’m trying to convince myself that it is their loss and I’m not a nutcase.
I still feel isolated. But I don’t know how to break the feeling, to get out of my shell. I want to be a normal person, and not feel depressed all the time. Or angry or frustrated. And bitter.
I’m going to be an aunt. I was so happy hearing that. But then reality hit me. It won’t be as rosy as I hoped. I forgot that her new family is her in-laws, not mom or dad. The reunion that I hoped might happen will now be further apart. I hoped perhaps a child might bring families together, but it may actually form the final wedge between mom n sis. She will now have her complete family – minus mom or even me. I feel more and more like an outsider than I do her sister. But otherwise, I hope she has a healthy child and the child becomes something in life. It has my blessings.
Fragmented Thoughts…
I am angry. And frustrated. Yesterday was a good day and I went to Global Village. But I can’t help feeling so angry. I don’t know if I’m angry at the world in general, or just me.
I feel isolated as well. I feel like I have no-one to really talk to, despite all my friends coming back in town for the holidays. Have I changed so much?
I’m going to start my starvation plan and not eat for whenever. Until I lose 15 kgs more. I’ll have water only when I feel nauseous. And I’m going to start smoking my ass off and drinking…no, not drinking, that puts on weight. And I will run everyday till I’m ready to collapse.
I hate being single. I hate the feeling of always had something, not have something. I feel about as desirable as the plague. New Year’s is going to suck pretty bad.
Whatever….
I felt a little irritated by the end of the day today. And just a tad lonely. Spoke to B. He’s definitely lost interest. I will delete his number so I’m not tempted to contact him. Xex spoke in clipped tones and then kept the phone down. AB is acting all Mr. Bigshot and all and I don’t know if he’s just plain busy or ignoring me. But now I will ignore him. I’ll delete his number too so I don’t call him.
I read A’s website which had some good articles. Saw something that clicked in me. Is it possible….that he’s talking about me? Or am I just drawing stupid conclusions just from the fact that he used some of my name? He was such a bastard that just avoided me when I needed support and help when Xex was back home working things out with his wife…I liked A. I thought it might have been nice. But he just disappeared. And I deleted his number. Whatever…
I need to get away from Dubai for a while. Away from guys who are such hypocrites. Away from guys who lead me on. Away from everything.
Random Ramblings 2
Zahid’s back in town 
I’m soooooooo happy to see him again. I met him and we caught up on some. But we should catch up some more when I’m not so jet-lagged. I finally had the chance to buy the material needed for my outfit and so far I have bought the black lace. All that’s left is the blood red satin and its ready for the tailors.
The semester is over and I’ve submitted most of my work. I just pray and hope that I pass.
I was going through some of my old entries and it’s going to be almost a year since I started blogging. It’s been an interesting journey. A year ago I was with Nomi, starting out a new life with him. Now, two heartbreaks later, I feel sad but atleast I don’t feel suicidal. Maybe I’ve grown up in some ways, and not in some others.
I feel vulnerable today. I feel like everything is out to get me and that I should not trust anyone as they will fuck me over the minute they have a chance to. I feel overwhelmed at times too. I don’t know. I feel a contradiction of emotions right now: the sense of having hope yet knowing there isn’t any, the feeling of having someone yet feeling so alone…I’m just rambling on a caffeine high. Once upon a time, I had someone who loved me but took me for granted and in the end used me like everyone else. And then there was someone who changed my whole life’s perspective and opened my vision to so much more, only to leave me all alone to face the harshness of it all. And then me trying so hard to get someone to love me, but he used me too. And now, when I actually follow the rules right, things can still go wrong. I give up…I don’t win either way.
I’m scared of happiness. Because happiness brings me to a higher level that only causes me pain when it all leaves. I wish I were thinner and more beautiful and more charming. Maybe Ran is right. I do get intimidated by men. But I don’t know why my alarms go ringing when a man gets too near me, even if I might get attracted later. I just freeze up and go rigid and avoid eye contact. Maybe that’s why I can’t flirt and have guys mill around me like bees to honey.
My last thoughts as I shut down for the day….I miss you Xex.
Nightmare In MCM Dept.
Today was possibly the worst day ever. Ok, one of the worst days ever. I come to university after a week’s absence and I get screwed over and fucked up (pardon my French, German, Latin..whatever). Almost every professor was giving me dirty looks or ready to pounce on me for the uncompleted work. I had too many things to do at the same time and I was ready to start crying and have a nervous breakdown due to sleep deprivation. I shouldn’t have gone yesterday although everyone kept pushing me to go. I still have loads to do but I’m taking a break.
His Highness Sheikh Xex bin Ahmad finally honored me by picking his damn phone up. But of course we didn’t talk about what mattered and of course he will not admit it was his fault to begin with.
Spoke to AB. He’s a nice guy. I think I should nickname him as Rose dude instead. No actually, I prefer AB. AB it is. Let’s see how this goes. I actually googled him…yes, I google every new person I meet or know. And he is a big TV anchor…atleast, he was one. But media aside, he seems very interesting so far so let’s see how things progress. Will he be the Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?
I hope I graduate. I really hope I do. At this point, I seriously doubt it. Please God pleaseeeeeeeee let me graduate.
Zahid should be in town by now. He hasn’t called yet. I can’t wait to meet him. I missed him sooooooooooooooo much. He’s my sweetheart and I love him loads. Ok, before anyone gets the wrong idea, he’s my best guy friend in the whole world. We’ve grown up together, gone through so much crap….and still very much in touch. *mwah* love you babes.
A DIFF-erent Ending…
Today is the last day for DIFF and it feels anti-climatic. On one hand, things will be a little more relaxed after today. But on the other hand, I’m really going to miss the excitement and the rush of it all. And the fellow apprentices and colleagues I made some good friends here.
While I’m waiting for the water to heat up so I can wash all this muck off me, here’s a small list of stories that happened during the festival(in no particular order):
1) The One With The Heel: This happened on Friday (or rather Saturday) at 4am near my house. After I left the MTV-MAC party and reached home, I called Randa to check up on her. As I was walking and talking, I misjudged the height of a chain post and my heel caught on to the chain, which caused me to do this balancing act and I fell face-first on to the pavement. That too infront of the security guard! I didn’t even drink but the look he gave me made me want to laugh so hard, and cry ‘coz my elbow and knee got badly scraped. It still hurts.
2)The One With The Fish ‘N’ Chips: The apprentices get meal vouchers for lunch at the cool restaurants at Madinat Jumeirah: Brewsters, Dome and Costa’s. Except for Costa’s, every lunch I end up ordering Fish ‘N’ Chips which drives Randa crazy. lol…yes Randa, I know I’m boring but I had this urge for fish n chips. The look she gives me is a kodak moment and I know she is mentally slapping me for ordering the sameeeee thing.
3)The One With The Camels: This was something Farnaz and I were discussing while heading to lunch one day. I still can’t believe how stupid..well, more like ignorant, people can be about the world, and more so the Middle East. You know, the whole ‘ride camels and live in tents’ thing. So Farnaz told me of how she pulled one of her acquaintance’s leg by going along with the stereotype and said:”Sure, we have a camel right outside our tent. Infact, we have a few more outside that go round and round in a circle and help generate electricity for us.” lol…I haven’t laughed so hard as I did that day. We then started making a list of the use of camels and I will post that later.
4)The One With The Food Service: This is related to the second story. Somehow the service at the restaurants were exceedingly slow and extremely rude for some reason (except for Costa’s). Perhaps it was the vouchers. Anyway, they took so long I was beginning to wonder whether they had to go to the North Pole to catch their fish and come back to serve it, or whether they were waiting for the fish eggs to hatch and the fish to grow before they cook it. And then I began to wonder whether the potatoes were still growing and the greens sprouting when the food arrived an hour later. Ok, I’ll give them some credit, after 45 minutes.
5)The One With The Parties: I attended about three of them and they were a new experience for me. I tried socializing and mingling but somehow things don’t always come out right. But I did meet some directors that I really wanted to meet so that was cool. I also tried this local version of pipe smoking which had some concentrated tobacco and I had a real buzz.
6)The One With The Ex-Boss: Bumped into Zee people. It was an interesting moment. Said hello to many and most were nice and sweet. Ignored UT completely. It feels good to know that I am getting somewhere and perhaps quitting work wasn’t a sign of my failure.
7)The One With Xex: As usual, Xex will figure somewhere into all of this. Had a huge argument over some tickets I had and offered to him. He acts like he wants to be royalty, then screw it. And if he wants to sulk all day like a kid, I’m not going to bother. If he wants to throw away a good friendship, then its his loss. I’m upset about all of this but I’m too busy to deal with his temper tantrums.
8)The One With AB: Met a nice person during the festival. Perhaps it maybe something, perhaps not. Stay tuned to this space for more as the plot progresses.
9)The One With The Local Filmmakers: Was helping out at a workshop and met many local filmmakers. It was great meeting them and I met a few filmmakers that I could perhaps in the future work with.
I think the water is hot enough. Shall write more later.
To Xex
As you walk along remember my song
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna
Never say goodbye
Rote Hanste Bas Yoon Hi Tum Gungunate Rehna
Laughing or crying just keep humming this song
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna
Never say goodbye Pyar Karte Karte Hum Tum Kahin Kho Jaayenge
You and I get lost as we love each other
In Hi Baharon Ke Aanchal Mein Thak Ke So Jaayenge
We get tired and sleep in the shelter of this spring
Sapnon Ko Phir Bhi Tum Yoon Hi Sajaate Rehna
And still you keep decorating my dreams
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna…
Never say goodbye
Beech Raah Mein Dilbar Bichhad Jayen Kahin Hum Agar
If we separate in the middle of the road darling
Aur Sooni Si Lage Tumhe Jeevan Ki Yeh Dagar
And you feel this road of life is desolate
Hum Laut Aayenge Tum Yoon Hi Bulate Rehna
I will come back whenever you call me back
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna…
Never say goodbye
Outsourcing Kabul Express
Just got back from the gala screening of Kabul Express. It was a short and sweet film. Met Arshad Warsi and Kabir Khan. They were sweet. Bumped into the directors of Outsourced again. John and George are incredibly sweet people.
I am so dead tired I am ready to drop. Met people from Zee TV – the entire ex-crew. They were sweet to me. Didn’t meet UT and I’m glad I didn’t. I would have probably said something incredibly bitch and/or stupid.
I just realised I used the word sweet quite often. I will write more about the festival later when I’m not so tired.
