This is the end..my friend…
So now we have it. Microsoft mailed back Jaggu. He didn’t get the job. A part of me knew this was coming (no, not the Microsoft job). I knew that he would be going soon. And just feeling that emotion made me numb…except for my eyes. My eyes began their leaky waterworks despite me not wanting to move or do anything. Anyway, I’m not going to show that I’m panicking and wanting to cling on to him before he leaves on the 15th. I’m going to take a deep breath and make the most of the times I can see him.
And its back to the drawing board. Starting from scratch is such a bitch. And no, I don’t want to hear things like ‘it happens’, ‘you’ll get over it’, ‘everything will be all right’, ‘there are others’, ‘you are still young’ and yadda yadda right now. I know these things are in a way true but I don’t feel that right now and all I want to do is close my eyes and imagine him with me. And open my eyes and see him still there, not that it was just my imagination. I don’t want to only see him when my eyes are closed. Because if I do, I’ll just want to keep my eyes closed and never open them.
And fyi, I do feel blasphemous now and I don’t have faith in anything anymore. Everything is a sham and lie. There is no light at the end of the tunnel or a rainbow or any idiotic cheerful thing. There isn’t. Not at all.
Behind These (Brown)Hazel Eyes…
Song I’m listening to by Kelly Clarkson:
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin’ could go wrong
Now I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
‘Cause I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hangin’ on
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside
Anymore…
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
A Poem I found…
I peek around the corner, As he bends to tie his lace.
He’s walking with his daughter, And the woman I can’t face.
He is a married man, But, my heart still craves him,
And never will it stop, Until the bitter end.
I hear his daughter giggle, And say, “Daddy, there’s a bird!”
But, he turns my way, And doesn’t say a word.
A whistle in the brush A humming in my ear,
Makes me quietly wonder, What I am doing here.
A ring is on his finger, But, a fist is on my heart,
I feel the need to have him, But I can’t rip them apart.
A wife he has of twenty years, Happiness is theirs,
All I have though, is silence, As the pain, my life endures.
A man, I need…a man of love. A man who’ll care for me,
But, that I gave up to his wife So, they could be happy.
Slipping Through My Fingers….
The fact that I am sitting calmly typing this surprises me. Perhaps it hasn’t sunk in yet. Or maybe now I am devoid of hope and hence this isn’t much of a shock. Seems like Jaggu might not be around for me to see if I’m getting too attached enough to leave. Everything isn’t set in stone so this all speculative, but if Jaggu doesn’t get a job before he leaves Dubai for Pak, then perhaps he may not return for a long, long time. A year at the least, never at the most.
What will become of us? I don’t know. I asked him but he didn’t reply. Although in my heart I know that long distance isn’t his nor my style. So we’re probably going to call it quits. I feel sad and a little upset at losing someone who was a good friend and perhaps more to the geographical distance. But I guess life has a lot more shit to throw at me before it gets tired and says ‘aaah, bitch ain’t worth it’. I know I’ll move on soon enough, maybe even sooner than I think it will but being around someone and then no longer being around someone gives me withdrawal symptoms. I guess I need time to adjust and cope with not being able to call or have immediate contact with someone. And the intimacy and caring that came. That feeling that I can trust someone and close my eyes, knowing that the person will still be there when I open them. Typing that last line has made my eyes watery, so maybe I’m still human after all.
Maybe I am falling for him. But what good would it do falling for someone when the end is near? If I can hold my heart back for another 2-3 weeks, I will be fine. I think I will be fine anyway, whether or not I fall for him or not. Whether he stays or not. It’s not really about me wanting to move on or not, but me having no choice but to move on and survive.
Here’s a song that may be magnifying my emotions a little more, but it popped into my mind. Like a good background score as I let a drop leak out from my eye:
As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love’s happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion,
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that’s now departed?
I know I’ve got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.
The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin’ down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can’t stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin to where
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that’s now departed?
I know I’ve got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.
I’m searching though I don’t succeed,
But someone look, there’s a growing need.
Oh, he is lost, there’s no place for beginning,
All that’s left is an unhappy ending.
Now what’s become of the broken-hearted
Who had love that’s now departed?
I know I’ve got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
I’ll be searching everywhere
Just to find someone to care.
I’ll be looking everyday
I know I’m gonna find a way
Nothings gonna stop me now
I’ll find a way somehow
I’ll be searching everywhere
Feeling Preity…
Check out my new video titled ‘Feeling Preity‘:
PS: For non-profit entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended.
One of those day….
I feel very low today. And isolated. And feeling a feeling I never want to feel. The feeling that I am a nuisance, a burden, that my presence makes someone want to run in the opposite direction. And Jaggu makes me feel that way. And I don’t want him to feel like he’s so suffocated he needs to get away from me. I mean it’s not like I’m in his face 24/7. But for him to feel he needs to get away from me its just…it hurts like a bitch.
And why is he even with me? When he can have chicks much hotter than me. And nicer. And be the type he can love. Not a fat worthless lump like me. His ex was hot and they were together for 9-10 years. Me? It’s only been 2 months and he wants his space. Of course he does. Why would he want to be with me? What do I have that separates me from anyone? Nothing. Nothing at all. I feel useless and expendable. I just want to die.
I can feel people laugh at me behind my back. Sniggering at what a loser I’ve become. I’m just going to sleep and pray and hope I never wake up.
Khwaarpan….
It’s just one of those khwaar days. Where nothing happens, no-one calls, and I don’t even feel like doing anything but just sit and rot…..vegetate perhaps. And get depressed even more. And feel thoughts like ‘why am i even living? what’s the point of it all?’
And even questions like ‘why is he even with me?’. I mean his friends list is full of extremely hot and skinny chicks…even his ex was hot…what do you expect when she works for an airline? And what am i? a wannabe filmmaker who isn’t going anywhere and is atleast 20-30 kgs overweight?? I feel so pathetic right now I just wish something dreadful happens and I die and then everybody will be glad to be rid of my fat ass. I need to either die or get a life….bah humbug.
On the other note, silliest holiday ever invented. Silly in the sense that it was funny, not that I was dismissing it. It’s the yang to the Valentine’s ying. It’s Steak and Blowjob Day on March 14th…the Valentine’s day for men…lol. It’s simple…just please your dude with a steak and a bj and he’ll thank you for it (or so goes the motto for the day). After all that cash the guy dolled out on you because some priest got his head chopped off, that’s the least you can do for him. haha.
I need chocolate. Real bad. I had a fight with Jaggu yesterday. Not really a fight, more of a tiff. He said he might be late, so I assumed he’d be awake at 11pm. So I called him and he was sleeping. So I said sorry and kept the phone down. Later, he sent me an sms saying ‘thanks. i can’t sleep now (thanks to you)’ and I got pissed and smsed back saying ‘fine. i’m sorry and i’ll never call ever again’. So now I haven’t called him all day and he hasn’t called me either, which pisses me off even more. I feel so low…..Jackass.
Long dayyyyyyy
Facebook is definitely addictive. That aside, today was a pretty long day. I have a cool idea for a new masala mix so watch out for that in the future.
I’ve recently been catching up with old friends, and met new ones. One is Tammy who I met during the Zee-days in summer and we’ve kept in touch. She’s really pretty and I look up to her as an older sister. She reminds me of my sister too. The other is a girl I call Cabbage Patch Kid or CPK for short. She’s this adorable and bubbly girl who can out gab me most of the time. Plus there’s Hammy and Manasa and Clary and a few other people I lost touch with during my Nazi-study regime during AUS.
Today I met a director(an independent) through Tammy who was interested in probably getting me as an A.D.(Assistant Director for the clueless). The feature film project is a non-profit (read not much money to be made) social issue that would probably get alot of media-hype, which seemed good for my prospects in terms of exposure and experience. However, I hated the guy personally. That cucking funt (yes, I’m swearing) was so arrogant and assumed that just because I live in Dubai and studied here and not India that I’m a spoiled rich brat who has no idea about films, or film theory, or even filmmaking. If I was a cat in his presence, I would have probably had all my hair standing up and spitting at him (cat-like manner). I politely tried to prove him wrong but short of hitting him on the head or perhaps stabbing him violently with a blunt knife (thats more painful), I doubt he’d understand how irritating I was finding his condenscending manner. Reminds me alot of KB.
Speaking of KB, I have a real bone to pick with him. After all that I’ve been learning with him, being one of his top students, even working for him (which by the way, he gave someone else the credit for and hence leading to me be unceremoniously sacked), I still can’t comprehend why he refused to write my reference letter. It initially stung me, but then I don’t care anymore. He’s not going to control or change my future in any way for me. I know by the Grace of God and my hard work I will make it somehow. In a way, I should probably thank him. If he didn’t realise my potential and let go of me, it is now to Suzie’s credit (and Tommy’s) that I’ve figured out what I want in life and actually figured out a little better what I really do want. KB may have guided me initially, and I am grateful to that, but it was really Suzie n Tommy that helped me grow as a filmmmaker. I love them both 
Here’s some songs that are currently running through my head:
Maula Mere from Anwar
Afreen from Red
Will try to get the translations soon. But the songs are equally hypnotic and about the passion that comes with love, the first being more spiritual, the second more to do with lust.
Fear….
I don’t know why my gut is telling me something is seriously wrong with Jaggu. Not physically, but perhaps a change of feelings. Perhaps now he is tired of me and wants to get away, or find someone else. I can feel the distance. And I feel sad and perhaps a little disappointed perhaps. But what did I expect? That I’m some lovely angel that will keep him next to me, or perhaps that I’m so lovable that he won’t leave me. What a joke. I’m not kidding anyone here. Not even myself anymore. It hasn’t hurt me as much as perhaps Xexail, but it does hurt nonetheless. I know I’ll get over it eventually anyway, perhaps sooner than Xexail.
I do think it sucks to be me. Unemployed me. I’d hate to think my dad can smirk now and tell me ‘I told you so’.
I’m trying to beat the blues away by meeting all my friends I’ve lost touch with during my hectic college life. It feels good to go out and meet them, catch up and all. Perhaps that’s what’s keeping me from feeling really depressed by Jaggu. *sigh* I feel hopeless and all I want to do is sleep and not have to think.
