Krispy Kremes & Orgasms
Krispy Kreme’s has opened and oh..it’s heavenly. Orgasmic. Guddu Apa (my sister) and I went on the day it opened and it was jam-packed. It’s located in the Deira City Center food court where Burger King used to be. We spent half-hour trying to find parking and finally we went to Sofitel and valet parked over there. Initially, the valet guy gave me the polygraph-scan with his eyes to catch out if I was fibbing about using the hotel facilities (‘coz they wouldn’t valet the car otherwise) but I think I barely passed. Plus I used my 5-month preg sister to get our way around and did the express route of getting my donuts…teehee. A dozen of heavenly, orgasmic original glazed Krispy Kremes…*sigh* Sorry Anu, one more motivation to come to Oregon has gone out the window. Well we got the donuts and yes, they didn’t fail to disappoint. I can give up men forever if I get a regular supply of them. They are sooooooooo good.
Speaking of preg sister, I’m going to be the aunt of a little nephew. Yup, my sister is having a boy. Or so says the doctor. And I’m gonna get my nephew something red, much to my sister’s horror. Her say in that was “NO! I don’t want my son to look like Santa’s little helper!” Hmmmmm…now that’s a thought.
I don’t know why Xex and I keep fighting nowadays. Either he pushes my buttons or I push his. But one thing I have realized. He is a bit rigid and self-centered. Ok, maybe more than a bit. Why have we become this way? What changed so drastically that it has reached this point? I mean yes, I think I’m over him. No, actually I know I’m over him. But sometimes the old scars of betrayal and rejection spasm and prick from time to time. In a way, I think I’ve forgiven, but not truly forgotten everything that’s happened. I keep trying to think where I went wrong and where I could have smartened up. And sometimes I can see where I went wrong. Yet I never stopped myself. Stupid me.
Jaggu hasn’t messaged or mailed yet. I’m not particularly worried, but I do miss him a lot. I missed him a lot yesterday, especially when Xex and I fought and he really pushed my buttons. He hurt me enough to cry. And yet, why is it that, despite me realizing that it’s his loss and all, I feel like the one losing out and feeling bad for the loss? No, it’s not about me wanting him back (since I really don’t want him, seeing his vindictive side). But somehow all of this hurts me more than it will ever hurt him, and I hate knowing and realizing that’s true. I guess betrayal and abandonment are my sore points, my Achilles’ heel. Bugger me.
Miss you Jaggu…miss you so much. *sigh* Come back soon.
Blast From The Past….
Here’s a song I adore:
Generation by Emerson Hart
“American Dreams” theme song
You’re coming up like a flower
You’re coming up through the cracks that live ’round here
Everybody knows we have no fear
We are the wind of change coming
We take a stand where so many never go
We will shout it out to let you know
This is my generation
We want an answer to the questions
We want to knock down all the walls they built for you
We want to know the truth not be lied to
We want to know the face of freedom
We want to make a place where we can learn to love
Build a world that we can be proud of
This is my generation
Cause we just want to dance all night
Live inside the spark of life
This might be the only time around
(Instrumental break)
Cause we just want to dance all night
Live inside the spark of life
This might be the only time around
You’re coming up like a flower
You’re coming up through the cracks that live ’round here
Everybody knows we have no fear
This is our generation
The Fire Within
I’m right now sitting in CBTL passing time until Manasa finishes work. Things are looking a little up work wise at the moment. Had an interview at Idea Spice and they said to follow up in a week’s time. I might also get a project from Manasa’s workplace so let’s see how that goes.
Jaggu left today morning and hopefully he will return in a week’s time as he has an interview lined up. I met another friend of his called Napoli and he’s a nice guy. So Jaggu, Napoli and I met up yesterday to hang out before he left.
We decided to go to this beach in Jebel Ali where we saw this huge Iranian Community celebrating Norouz and saw them also performing the Chaharshanbe Suri. They were playing Iranian songs, lighting firworks and firecrackers, with big bonfires and the works. Reminded me of Diwali in a way. It was fun and Jaggu and I danced to the Iranian songs playing until I saw one cop-car coming, then another, and another and that’s when I freaked out. I had a panic attack and screamed to leave immediately when Jaggu and Napoli didn’t listen to me.
And that’s when things started to go wrong. Jaggu and I fought and I didn’t want to fight with him before leaving. I don’t know why I’m scared of cops even though I haven’t done anything wrong. Anyway, I felt worse when Jaggu had withdrawn into himself and refused to comfort me. We talked and got it resolved, but I still feel bad.
I miss him and I realised I’m getting too attached to him, which is scary. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave, yet a part of me knows I should if want to remain in one piece. Akh….I’m a hopeless case.
Mars Production V2 Released!
Finally have my website updated. Check it out at:
http://marsproduction.8m.com
The Chronicles of Z: Part 1
Today I’m going to begin a series of a semi-fiction piece: The Chronicles of Z
When Z was born, she was blue. Her early life was mostly spent going in and out of hospitals. As a child, she was stabbed more often by the doctors than most children. She had many complications; many allergies. By the time she was 3-4 years old, the only thing she could have was soya milk.
And then one day, while she was napping, her older sister found her in her cot. Blue and foaming at the mouth. Her sister screamed and screamed and brought her parents at once. They ran the little baby girl Z to the hospital and found out that the doctors of a government hospital had given her an adult dosage of a medication. As Z fought for her life, for a minute she almost gave up. She was dead for about a minute.
But in God’s infinite wisdom, it was not her time to go yet. She recovered and came back to life. Perhaps it was a blessing for her. Perhaps a curse. Because life had more and more surprises to throw back at her.
As Z grew older, her allergies reduced and she saw the doctors less frequently. She started gaining weight, but not enough so to be more than ‘healthy’. But the age of 10, she had another thing coming to her.
Z was fond of her junk/comfort food. But one day, she could not go to the bathroom normally. She was heavily constipated. She tried all sorts of natural remedies, but to no avail. Then she found out she couldn’t even retain anything that she’d eaten. Every bite of food, or even a sip of water, would back up a few minutes after she had taken it. Something was seriously wrong.
The doctors assumed that it was a simple case of appendicitis. A simple half-hour surgery that would remove the inflamed appendix. But on operating on her, they discovered that the cause of her misery wasn’t an inflamed appendix. It was what had caused the appendix to get inflamed in the first place.
A condition that occurred since birth, her intestines would twist and turn until recently, they had knotted up and blocked her digestive system, causing the area of the knot to rot and form gangrene. After 5 long hours of surgery, the doctors removed not only her appendix, but also a foot of her small intestine.
As Z recovered in the hospital, she wondered why she had so much more to deal with than other kids. She also wondered why she had to be in the ICU with people dying on her left and right and a chart of coma and death right in front of her. She wanted to get out. And get out as soon as possible. An operation of this scale should have kept her bed-ridden for at least a week or two. But not Z. As she hated the place and wanted to get out as soon as she could to celebrate her sister’s birthday, Z made herself feel better and she left the hospital 5 days after the operation.
More later….
And The Darkness Returns…
I’m beginning to feel those feelings again. The feelings of a black mood coming on. I always believe that perhaps I’m clinically insane, or depressed, perhaps both. I keep having thoughts of wishing my life would end. That somehow I can fast forward my life to the last 24 hours so that I can get over with it.
I can feel this feeling of quiet desperation creeping up on me. I can feel how pointless and how insignificant I am to everyone and everything; how meaningless my work is and how I’ve achieved absolutely nothing. All I feel is failure and humiliation…and loathing for myself.
My panic attacks, mood swings and depression have started again. I can feel me feeling thoughts of wanting to end everything and killing myself. I know I won’t ever do it, but I feel it just the same. I am a nut-case.
I really feel so absolutely alone at this moment. I hate myself. I just want to end the pain. It hurts so bad. I just hope and pray right now that if I do sleep, I never have to wake up again. I know that one of these days, the will to die will be so string that I may actually do it. Not today, but eventually. Because I can feel my moods get darker each time I have them. I’m so tired of living. I don’t see the point anymore. I just want to end it. Now. Soon.
Roller-coaster…..
Today was an emotional roller-coaster ride of sorts. Initially, I felt spaced out enough to not care about things like Jaggu leaving me, the fact that my personal and love life is pretty much in shambles. And so is my career. I didn’t care. I was somehow in the ‘I don’t care’ mood, or in the point where my body just refuses to think anymore. Which was good enough for me. Being blissfully numb and devoid of all emotion.
Then I went to uni and that’s when it all hit me. I went for a PPIFF meeting. And that’s where I felt verbally attacked. That somehow people were blaming me for whatever wrong is going on in the festival, even if I have nothing to do with it. Now I know how Samar feels. It’s sad how people don’t listen to each other and get together to solve problems. I feel that now most people spend more time passing the buck on to others and then blame them for not doing the work. Oh, I’m not saying they don’t do work. They do. But sometimes it’s irrelevant or not the most pressing issue. Or they do it their way, which at times isn’t always the right way.
I don’t know why I broke down after the meeting or why I felt so taken-aback and stunned. But I just burst down in the office (thankfully, no-one was there). I had a panic-attack and had trouble breathing. I was sobbing uncontrollably and shaking all over. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I spoke to Jaggu, but what finally made me crack was when I spoke to Xex. I feel so incredibly stupid breaking down like that.
I feel a little better now taking a drag of Yves St. Laurent (yes, I’ve switched over). I’m not addicted yet, but I know for a fact that I do smoke a lot more recently than I did before. And now I definitely smoke anytime the pain gets too unbearable. Well, I suppose this is better than doping myself out on Brufen or Glucophage. Jaggu is going for a boys’ night out at Barracuda. He invited me along. I may go. But for now I’m going to go for a nice jog and dope myself out further.
Woops
In the process of trying to import my blog from blogger, I deleted all my previous imported entries. Go figure! Anyway, you can go and visit my blog while I figure out how to fix this.
The making of PPIFF and Interviews…
Today was an interesting day. I was interviewed for a documentary on the making of PPIFF aka Pause & Play International Film Festival. PPIFF is really buzzing now, with its conflicts and controversies, its politics – we’re in the most exciting phase of the festival. We’re about 43 days away from the event, with the event happening on April 19th-21st.
Anyway, I really decked up for the interview and I managed to look decent enough. Samar looked ready to drop, with a flu and so much stress. I really wish other people would give her break considering the amount of work she put in. I know I should do more, and I really am trying my best. But it really is a bit difficult now that I’ve graduated. But I do try as much as possible, and I do come in to uni about 2-3 times a week.
Jaggu has an interview tomorrow and I wish him the best of luck. I hope he gets a job. He means alot to me as a friend, and maybe some…but somehow, if he does leave, it won’t hurt so much. Although we will stay in touch. Or maybe I’m at this point where I’m over the pain of being left.
It’s late so I’m going to hit the sack. Laters…
