Mars World

I’ve had it. We are SO over. I was initially sad that he doesn’t love me anymore than a ’special friend’, but I managed to deal with it and move on, only because I value the temporary companionship during the uncertain times I’m having.

But that doesn’t mean that he leaves his responsibilities as a friend. Even an acquaintance. He not only proved that he didn’t love me or ever will, he also proved to me that he doesn’t give a damn about me. No friend would string another friend up along with promises and hope and then completely fuck it up. I had a birthday party and invited my closest friends. Some friends couldn’t make it for good reason, and that’s understood. But common courtesy dictates that even a stranger would try to let the host in question know that they can’t make it.

Jaggu was against coming from the start. And all for a crummy birthday present. I don’t care about a birthday present, not when it results in people not coming to see me because they can’t afford one. Besides, it’s the thought that matters, not the price tag. And despite telling him that showing up is the best present I can receive, he still hesitated and made it sound like I forced him. I got so fed up I told him he could not show up since I never want to hear him tell me over and over again about how he does things for me that he doesn’t want to do. I have never once reminded him of the things I have gone out of my way to do, even things out of my own comfort zone. Never once. And I’m still fighting the urge to tell him that. Even when its over. I don’t want to stoop that low.

Anyway, I left the choice up to him, and he came to me and said that he’d come. I even offered to pick him up, but it had to be on my schedule since all I did on the day was make dozens and dozens of trips. He then said he’d get a friend to get him a lift, since he didn’t want to trouble me. Fine. I waited and waited and waited for him. And he didn’t even have the decency to call me and tell me he was having trouble coming there. I finally called him at around 11-12 at night and finding out that not only did he not get a lift, but that he was sleeping. And since my sister was in front of me and I did not want to create a scene in front of her, I slammed the phone down on his flimsy apology about not making it and him trying to make it up to me.

Yes, I am hurt. And yes, I am shattered. But no, I’m not going to mope over him and reconsider my decision of dumping him. Well, maybe if he has a damn good apology and grovels and begs for me. But he will never do that. What he did at the party proved pretty much just how much he values me. And maybe I don’t even want to be with someone who has taken me for granted and just does whatever he wants, insensitive to my feelings. Especially someone who keeps reminding me of things he’s done for me. Heck, I’ve done a lot for him too, but not once have I slapped it back on his face of how much I do and how much he owes me or should be grateful for me. I don’t do those things for that. Well, maybe a part of me does it hoping I get love back in return. But love that comes willingly, not out of gratitude or guilt.

Maybe everybody is right. I need some alone time. For me to learn to be happy on my own. And not depend so much on my need of feeling worthy from a man.

On a different note, the karaoke party went well and I’m glad that the friends that came, close and not-so-close, showed up. I’m not going to go on about yea they are my true friends, but that I am grateful that they came and hopefully enjoyed the party. My sister and I may have our differences, especially about where our loyalties lie regarding our biological parents, but she will be my sister no matter what. And she has not only been my elder sister, but my mom and dad too when needed.

Dad called during the party, and as usual he made me feel great (sarcasm gets lost over the net, so this line is supposed to be sarcastic). I don’t think I’ll ever resolve my issue with my dad, the same way my sis will never resolve her issue with mom. Looks like the divorce not only separated man from his wife, but also two sisters. Thanks mom and dad. I know you never meant it, but now you’ve managed to recruit your own children into your bitter divorce battle. Which is one more reason why I never want children. I guess I do want the companionship of marriage, but not having children saves the devastation of young lives if my marriage doesn’t work.

I’m surprised at the fact that I haven’t sunken into my black moods yet, considering my birthday jinx is back and has claimed my current love. Or that my birthday keeps reminding me of my family issues, or the fact that I’m not so lucky as some people to have friends who are willing to come all the way to their house to see them on their birthday, even if it is to smash cake or eggs or whipped cream on my face.

As another year ends in my life, I’m going to be thankful of what I have. Yet I’m not going to humiliate myself again by asking people to be with me on my birthday and then get stood up, like what happens pretty much every year ever since I turned 16. I am just going to sit at home and watch movies all by myself in my room. If anyone wants to see me, they can damn well make the effort to come to my house and wish me. And honestly, I don’t expect (although I secretly hope) that anyone will interrupt me from my Sunday movie marathon. Especially not Jaggu.