The Others…..
I didn’t even realize that it’s now the weekend. Time did fly – perhaps I will survive this sooner than I think I will. I guess now I’ll have less time to ponder over what I could have done differently with Jaggu. I’m excited about my upcoming shorts, and I’m planning on shooting all four back-to-back. Shoot one, plan next.
I just need to get more sleep and stop the nightmares that occur. It’s the same nightmare again and again. I’m all in white, in a hazy, foggy area. I see Jaggu far off – looking so good in a light-colored suit – calling me, beckoning me to come to him. I run as fast as I can, but I don’t seem to get any closer to him – only bit by bit even though I’m running with all my strength. As I get closer, I see he isn’t alone. In fact, the nearer I get, the more I can see of this hot chick wearing red and black – wearing my ’seduction’ clothes and snuggling up to him. I run even faster, hoping that she will disappear as I reach him. But when I’m finally about an arm’s distance away, I see them both together, making love with a lot of passion and strength. I scream and fall down to my knees, crying and not believing, while they look at me and laugh. And that’s when I wake up.
It takes my breath away and I feel cold and clammy and constricted inside. This can’t keep happening. I want it to stop.
I’ve kept in touch with one of his friends. Guess what? He’s going to a mujra with the groom. I expected as much. Yet it hurts hearing it. Ah fuck it.
Here’s the full song/video of the teaser clip I pu…
Here’s the full song/video of the teaser clip I put previously:
I’ll try putting lyrics with the English translation as soon as I get it.
The End….
I’m at work at the moment and just need to take a breather. Yesterday was probably one of the lowest days this year, if not in my entire existence. Yesterday was the end of not just my relationship with Jaggu, but my friendship too. Perhaps one day we can be friends again, but for now all ties with him have been severed. Much anger and resentment was expressed, and although I’m not happy with the outcome, I now have the answers to the questions and confusion in my head.
Perhaps part of me was hoping I’d be back with him when I met him. But that wasn’t why I wanted to see him. I just wanted to stop feeling confused and messed up. And now that I know what I wanted to know, I can start healing and moving on.
But the one thing that triggered my nervous breakdown and chilled me to the bone was the look of hatred and anger he gave me as he walked away from me – perhaps for the last time. Perhaps I do share some responsibility for the look. He angered me and made me say something that I knew would hit him below the belt. I said that if I ever got pregnant by him, I’d hope it was a son so that I’d make sure he’d be nothing like him. Jaggu idolizes his dad, flaws and all, and strives to emulate him, including flaws and all (a little misguided). And it was easy for me to say considering I’m anything but enamored by my dad.
Only thing that haunts me now is the dreams, or rather nightmares, I have of him with that pro. Seeing them, or even imagining them, leaves me cold and out of breath. And the realization that although I’m in the state I’m in now, he doesn’t give a damn. No regrets. And while its fine to console myself by saying he lost me and all that jazz, he’s only lost me as long as he regrets it. But he doesn’t, so I feel like a lost loss.
One thing’s for sure – I’m ready to move on, but not to someone else. I need time to myself, to focus on fixing my life, my goals, my career. Even if Prince Charming comes charging on his steed (or even wheels), he will have to wait. Because I’m not ready for another relationship now. Because whenever I think of a guy, I think of him either with someone else (his fiancé/wife) or with a hooker. And it kills me. I don’t think I can look at a guy at the moment and not see those images in my head and control my urge to run in the opposite direction.
Current Jaggu-Break-up play list:
Since You Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
Behind These Hazel Eyes – Kelly Clarkson
Going Under – Evanescence
My Immortal – Evanescence
Over You – Chris Daughtry
Don’t Speak – No Doubt
Wicked Games – Chris Isaac
My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne
Confessions Of A Broken Heart – Lindsay Lohan
Sahiba Sahiba – Har Dil Jo Pyar Kare
Kiss The Rain – Billie Myers
On a happy note, today was our TL’s birthday. So we surprised him with a cake. Except he took his own time showing up to the table. It was amusing. Oh well, back to work.
Pain….
I am angry. Very angry. And taken aback at the reaction he had when I told him I want to return his things back. He just seemed irritated and distracted and wanted me to shoo away like a fly. I want to hurt him. Hurt him so bad that he will feel whatever pain he has made me go through. He will want to cry but not one tear will come. He will want to end it all but can’t. I want him to regret ever hurting me. I want him to die a slow torturous death, like the one I’m feeling. May he rot in hell. I hate him.
My Immortal
Considering that Jaggu and I have deteriorated and the fact that despite me being there when he needed me (whether he asked me or not), he hasn’t exactly been around in my time of need, this song seems apt. Especially the highlighted bits:
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along
[Chorus]
I mean, I didn’t help him to get something back in return. Honestly, I didn’t. Yet now to feel upset at this turn of fate makes me seem selfish, or even expecting something. I can’t even cry. Everything just seems so…..pointless.
The Scent Of Me……
I also realized that no matter how hard I try to develop a particular scent as my own, a scent that will invoke memories of me as it lingers and fades; such a pastime is foolish. No-one really cares how I smell, as long as I don’t give competition to Pepe Le Piu. No one hang on to something because it smells of me.
Funny how I keep making memories for people to remember me by, or that I hang on to things or memories of people I want to remember. No one will care, and the object I keep to keep those memories alive will cease to have meaning when the person who I want to remember leaves me with nothing but anger, bitterness, and sometimes hatred. Everything I seem to do is a waste.
Why bother defining who I am? Why bother trying to make myself memorable? For what? To fade away into oblivion, with no-one to care or even anyone to try keep a fragment of me alive? It’s a sad world I’ve come to live in. And a sad world for me to finally open my eyes too.
Goddamn you perfume ads for making me think that my scent could make me be alive in someone’s senses even after I’m long gone.
Maa Tujhe Salaam….
In a moment, while helping mom in the kitchen today, I felt something. I now know I want to be a mother. Because of one selfish reason: I want to be the center of someone’s universe. I want to receive the love that I’ve been looking for. Only, the love isn’t to be found in a man. It is to be found in my unborn/adopted child. My baby.
I was afraid to have a child for so many years, and that fear is still in me. Understandable, considering what I went through. But now my selfishness has overcome my fear to not subject an innocent life through the corruption and degradation I have seen. I don’t know if feeling these pangs of maternity is a good thing or not, but I now know of another unfulfilled wish to come. Perhaps not, since I don’t care about whether I have the child myself or adopt. To a certain extent, adoption always held a stronger appeal to me. Because I am making an innocent child feel loved in a world where he/she feels rejected or unloved. In a sense, I’m saving someone from becoming a future me: disillusioned.
I guess no matter what flaws my mother may have, I will always love her and hold high esteem in her. No matter what times I may be angry and say or bitch about her, I will bitch-slap the person who says anything bad about my mother. Which is why I can’t stand being around my sister. Yet my relationship with her is complicated. Which is why despite the love-hate I have with her, I’m still going to watch Pirates of Caribbean 3 with her this afternoon.
I love you mom. And those are also the words my ears will be aching to hear until they are finally said…
A song that’s been in my head head ever since my Nanu (granny) is home and is hooked to Star Plus:
I have to admit, I actually like this song, especially the last line “Meri awaaz ko mil gayi roshni“, which loosely translates as ‘my voice has now gotten light’.
I’m gonna hum this tune for a while now….
A song that’s been in my head head ever since my Nanu (granny) is home and is hooked to Star Plus:
I have to admit, I actually like this song, especially the last line “Meri awaaz ko mil gayi roshni“, which loosely translates as ‘my voice has now gotten light’.
I’m gonna hum this tune for a while now….
A song that’s been in my head head ever since my Nanu (granny) is home and is hooked to Star Plus:
I have to admit, I actually like this song, especially the last line “Meri awaaz ko mil gayi roshni“, which loosely translates as ‘my voice has now gotten light’.
I’m gonna hum this tune for a while now….
