Pawed…
I spoke to my sister a while back. She doing ok, at least she hasn’t gotten any worse. She’s under complete rest and so far Alhamdulillah the baby is doing fine as well. She says (in her own words) that she resembles ‘one of the crew members of the The Flying Duchess‘.
I was cleaning up my PC’s desktop and HDDs and came across a few book I had kept on relationships and dating. Reading them, I found some handy advice. However, in reality, applying them is so hard. And frankly reading them is pointless for me. I’d need to actually have someone to be able to implement any pointers the books have, even if it’s a blind date. But I hardly think I have the time, or the emotional strength, to do any of those things.
I know what I want now. I want a committed relationship, whether it leads to marriage or not. I want the long-term commitment. I’m no longer ready to get into a relationship hoping that it will lead to a long-term commitment when it frankly was just a ’special friends’ or ‘friends with benefits’ case. I’m no longer going to be a marriage primer for any man – the last fling before he gets hitched to someone else.
But it’s not entirely their fault. Some responsibility is mine. I let them put me in that position in the first place. But not anymore. I will not let anyone walk all over me again, nor take me for granted. I will not be their scapegoat.
Yesterday I had a dream which chilled me to my core and left me feeling dirty inside. It was a dream that was memories of the events that happened a while ago. Of Jaggu’s friend feeling me up and trying to kiss me when I was heartbroken and grieving over Jaggu. A moment of vulnerability where he took advantage of me. Although my supposed honor is intact, I feel just as dirty; each place where he touched me feeling unclean and violated. And the salt to the injury was Jaggu blaming me for it, or accusing me of manipulating him to get back at him. Instead of protecting me, he blamed me. And that’s something I don’t think I’ll get over very soon.
Maybe it was nothing in reality and perhaps some of you may think I’m blowing things out of proportion, but for me it felt just as bad as actually being assaulted. I know one of my male friends thinks that if it was so bad that I should have done something about it, but I can’t exactly go to the cops if all the guy ever did was paw me and kiss me. That’s hardly an assault is it? But I feel so ashamed. And alone. And unclean. I don’t want to be near a man for a long time. I can’t trust any of them anymore.
The thing is I’m happy with my life at the moment and where I’m heading. I put on a mask of joy and hopefully everyone around me feels my excitement. Yet, each night, just as I am on my own, going to sleep, I feel a piece of me dying. Dying a slow, agonizing death. A piece of me going over to the darker side. The dark side that threatens to engulf me in a depression so black that I may never recover.
Prayers…
It’s funny how serious or tragic events can isolate a person. Even more so when they’re estranged from their close ones: friends you thought would always be there, special people who you can’t imagine being without yet as each day passes, their absence is felt even more. Not that anything life-threatening or shattering has occurred. Yet I am worried and I hope that things will be better.
My sister was complaining of heat boils and hot flashes for the past few days and finally she went to the doctor. And the doctor didn’t have very good news. She has full-blown chicken pox. However, the doctor reassured my sister that the baby is fine and that she needs 10-15 days of complete rest and meds and all that jazz. I can’t even visit her since I haven’t had chicken pox before, although I am vaccinated.
It’s similar to the experience I had when mom was ill. I just…I feel helpless and impotent. All I can ever do when anyone I care about falls ill is sit and watch. And that frustrates me. I feel like I’m a horrible daughter/sister that can’t take care of anyone. Which makes me realize that that’s another reason why I’d be a horrible mother and why I shouldn’t have children. Which is probably why being single is a curse and a blessing at the same time.
I was planning to write this post about my first week of work and my journey of trying to recover from a recent betrayal. Bot now, it all seems so…so insignificant and baseless now. I just hope that first my sister is well and recovers soon, as well as the baby. They both are in my prayers. I know I’m probably one of the worst Muslims possible, but I hope my prayers don’t go to waste. Or worse, the opposite happens because I’m such a horrid, horrid person. Although I know, or at least feel, that no matter what form or name God may have, He is the Most Merciful, Most Forgiving. Amen.
Working….
Things are a bit slow during the lunch hour so taking a breather and chilling. My first week at Shoof is coming to an end soon and it has been busy. The award ceremony is today and I’ve been pretty much runing around trying to help organise the guest lists/invites/RSVPs.
I really like working here and things have been pretty cool. Made a few friends – plus there’s the ARN crew and Shwets. So I think I’ll be OK here.
K is also at AMG. Playing the “who can ignore the other more” game. Not that there’s any reason to ignore, but if he thinks it ain’t a good idea to be more than just polite, I see no reason to go beyond politeness either. Besides, no point ruffling up the office grape vine (if anything like that exists).
I’m singing at the ceremony today so God help me. I’ll post an audio link later if possible.
Watch out for the new revamped shooftv.com soon!!!!!
More updates later…
Butt-Days and Babies…
Yesterday was my sister’s baby shower which went off in the same usual way her parties go. Everyone arrives at AST (Australian Standard Time) and a 6.00pm function began at 11.30pm. Hmph….
Anyway, today is Shwets’ butt-day so I’m spending the day with her at work. So far it’s been a lazy day and I’ve just been going with the flow (possibly because I’m half-asleep!).
I also realised that the irritated feel I get when people who have significant others is gone. No, I still don’t feel warm and fuzzy inside, bot atleast I’m not reaching for my barf-bag nor am I ready to strangle someone. I’m just…indifferent. Yes, I do still think about Jaggu alot and I still miss him, yet know that I wouldn’t want to go back because I can’t get over the betrayal. I don’t think I’m ready to forgive yet, let alone forget.
Plus, another alarming thing for me is I’m getting into an addictive habit of talking to a certain someone that must stop. No, nothing scandalous, but I’m getting too dependent or attached and I don’t want to get so close that it hurts when it fades or ends. So I’ve stopped calling now. End of that story.
I can actually thank Jaggu for making me so cold and suspicious now. Now I can try living for myself once, rather than beating myself up over others who can’t respond in the same manner, or even just give me some respect. I’m no longer going to be the taken-for-granted, sweet, helpful and generous person that I used to be. I’ve had it. This isn’t just men, but everyone in general, including friends and family.
But that aside, I have two more working days at EK and then I’m freeeeeeeeee! And then begins the exciting world of Shoof TV 
You are now reading the soon-to-be Content Editor for Shoof TV *drum roll*
Back to my editing now….*mwah*
Honor? – When a Man’s Honor Resides Between a Woman’s Thighs
Check this link out…it disgusts me just thinking about it:
When a Man’s Honor Resides Between a Woman’s Thighs
The funny thing is we let ourselves be led by all this. Even in a not-so-threatening situation, we compromise ourselves to suit men. Why? Because we prefer peace and our pride and dignity are not as inflated as men.
And who came up with these ideas about how a man should be and a woman? Yes, biology does dictate certain attributes and personality attributes, but when did we let ourselves just get walked all over?
*sigh* A rant….the issue is serious but my rant may be a little off-tangent.
Name The Baby!!!
I finally got the ultrasound scan of my future nephew/niece (most probably nephew) kicking my sister :
They still haven’t decided a name yet but they’re looking for a name beginning with an R or S that sounds religion-neutral – that can pass off as a Christian-sounding name as well as Muslim. Basically, a name that can sound desi and also translate into a good Western-sounding name.
I suggested Sami (Sam, Samuel, Sammy, etc) but that got rejected. They are considering Rayhan though – Ray, Ryan, Rayan etc. But always open to suggestions. So feel free to post comments with suggested names.
Objection Tango….
I am very, very pissed right now. But you know what? I’m not going to let these people get to me and upset me so much. Even friends I could trust disappoint me. But I’m not going to let it get to me. Let them make new friends and take me for granted. Because I’m not going to stick around. I’m tired of always rearranging my schedules and going all over Dubai and Sharjah to meet them even though I’m tired and I have an early morning. I’m not going to be treated like a taken-for-granted chauffeur. Nor am I going to sit and watch as they decide to ditch me and make plans anyway. They can go find another person to taxi them around – I’m not going to be there anymore for them.
If they really give a damn about me, they can very well come see me and make an effort to meet me wherever I am. Because I’m not going to budge or accommodate them. Screw everyone. I’m better off alone.
Time Pass….
I have to stay back at work today and although I went over my usual
average of coupons, I don’t feel like working anymore. I’m right now
procrastinating and biding time until 5.30pm.
Things I’ve done so far:
1)Taken a 15-min nap in the ladies’ room
2)Played worm fort on my phone
3)Sorted mail in my inbox
4)Sorted files in my storage space
5)Attempted to make a hand-made cappuccino but only succeeded in making frothy coffee.
6)Wrote down ideas for my upcoming vlog.
7)Writing this note.
Occasionally my guilty conscience makes me type a few more coupons in.
Another half an hour to go….maybe I’ll nap again…..
All By Myself….
There comes a time in life where even though everything seems to finally
be going right, and you’re surrounded by well-wishers and people you
care about and care about you, that you’re still utterly alone and
vulnerable? Well, I’ve felt that over the past two days.
Not that I’m unhappy. I’m finally getting a break career-wise and will
be starting work very soon. I’m getting a lot of media coverage recently
and I’m making good connections. But yet…there’s this want, this
unfulfilled wish, this empty corner in me which is sticking out like a
sore thumb.
And surprisingly, it isn’t for a guy. It’s for….for this one person in
my life who will always be there for me and not let me down. Someone I
can always depend on in good times and bad. Someone who gives back to
much to me as I give to them. A person who doesn’t make me feel that I’m the only one making the effort in our relationship. Someone that
understands me, comforts me, spoils me. Someone with whom I don’t feel
like I need to have a guy to fulfill me. Someone who can finally bring
that inner peace in me……
And that person will never exist. Because no human is like that. I don’t
even trust myself anymore, let alone someone else. *sigh*
I guess I just realized I’m the one always giving and giving and giving
and it’s tiring me out now. I wish someone would give back…spoil me
and pamper me with affection and appreciation. Whether it be in a
material or non-material form. *sigh*
Back to the grind…..
Awarapan….
A new film from the smooch-meister Emran Hashmi – Awarapan. I’m not sure if the film is worth even watching, but the music for the film sounds yummy. And a first for the Paki band Roxen.
Yep, even if India and Pakistan can’t meet eye to eye in political matters, all boundaries disappear when it comes to cinema and music. While the Bhatt camp (producers of the film) is known for introducing talent from the neighboring countries, namely Pakistan and recently James from Bangladesh, Awarapan seems to be Roxen’s movie. Roxen, the latest from the Pakistan garage-band scene (I do love garage bands), is a band that I haven’t heard of until I heard the song “Tera Mera Rishta“, and you can watch the remixed version below:
The thing I’ve noticed about modern Paki rock bands (post-Junoon) is that they have thankfully removed the high-pitched nasal element. While there is a hint of nasal-ism, it is much bearable then their predecessors. While I loved the music and lyrics, I couldn’t bear the singers. But this song pulls at my heartstrings – reminds me of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…
Anyhow, the other reason why I like the Paki garage-band scene is that the songs are filled with raw emotion and passion, and really touch my heartstrings, especially if they are songs of heartbreak and anguish. Which most of them are. Is there some unwritten rule that a pre-requisite for being a rock band is to be heart-raped by someone?
Here’s another clip from the same movie, this song is called “To Phir Aao”:
More on the band later when I get more info.
