Habits…
Just got back from a rocking desi concert. The last time I’d ever gone for a concert was for a Junoon-Euphoria gig in 2003. So it’s been a while.
As usual, the concert tickets said it would start at 8.00pm. But despite arriving at about 7.45pm to get decent seats, hardly anyone showed up. In fact, the concert only began at about 10.30pm because they needed bums on seats. To whilst away time, they had a DJ play the same tunes in loop for almost three hours.
And what a shame that people didn’t show up on time. Because when you have acts like Call, Sona Family, Roxen and the start attraction, Atif Aslam; the last thing you’d want to do is miss it. I was blown away by the live performances. Paki rock bands have come a looooong way. And they’re freakin’ amazing performing live. And they’re hella cuter too. For the sake of being accurate, there was Jazzy B and Streben, but meh… I wanted to see the bands. Atif was a mixed reaction. I give props to him for singing on tthe top of his lung non-stop for an hour and half. But I guess my reason for not liking him is because he reminds me too much of Jaggu.
Here’s Atif Aslam singing ‘Woh Lamhe’:
And then there was Addat:
I still can’t disassociate myself from thinking about Jaggu every time I hear “Addat” as he sang it just like Atif. Not only that, but he resembles Atif alot too. Damn him. Curses! All men are freaggin bastards. Meh!
And I eventually went into the ‘mash pit’ for Call. This is a clip of them doing a cover version of Queen’s ‘We will rock you’. The sound quality is bad since everyone around me was screaming their head off:
While waiting for the concert to start, I was checking out guys with my bud Clary. There was a cute guy who had “Guide for Shy Girls” written in pink on a white shirt. I think being guy-less got me frustrated enough to guy watch at Paki rock concert. Don’t get me wrong – the concerts are amazing most of the time. I’m not too happy about the crowd though. There is no room for potential dating material at these concerts.
It’s Madison Time…
This is what I hope I’ll be able to do after I finish my beginners class:
*sigh*
Wasted…
Went to Abu Dhabi to shoot a segment for Shoof but it bombed big time. However, while we were ‘on call’, we chilled at Marina and I had shisha and got so high that I was giggling inanely for a few hours on. I’m getting addicted to staying high, whether it be shisha or having a few pina coladas and saying it tastes like ‘mungu lassi’. Not good.
Current song in my head:
Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
’cause it’s all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather
So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I’ll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And you see that I can’t stop shaking
No, I won’t step back but I’ll look down to hide from your eyes
’cause what I feel is so sweet and I’m scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I’d better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
I’m dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music’s the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
PS: The video above is just the middle piece of the song but I loved the dance as well.
Drifting Away On The Blues…
I’ve been feeling low for a couple of days. And I just can’t explain it. I feel angry, depressed, resentful…and a little deserted. I feel…alone, even though I’m surrounded by people. I feel left behind, a third wheel. I feel disconnected from everyone. Sure, I’m close to them, but I feel like I’m drifting away. Like I no longer can understand them or reach out to them anymore. And even when I try to understand and reach out, I just get rejected. Or made to feel like I’m not good enough to understand them. And it hurts me, and makes me feel so resentful and angry. And keeps reminding me of other times.
And right now as my eyes are streaming with tears I can’t explain, I think about people I shouldn’t be thinking about. Of wondering how they are, if they miss me, if they even regret doing whatever they did. And if anything were to happen to me or if I get lost, will anyone notice I’m gone? Will anyone care? I don’t know anymore.
And I feel angry about certain things. Angry that whether my own religion can condemn me for things I have no control over. Like the fact that I’m left-handed. That because I’m left-handed, I will go to hell. Because if I were to write any Quranic verse or anything holy, I’d have to use my left-hand. Hence me going to hell. And if I’m going to go to hell, then why should I bother trying to be good? Why should I bother doing anything because I’m doomed to land up in hell anyway?
Why is it that somehow everyone seems to move on except for me? People getting into new relationships, getting married, having babies…they’re moving onto other milestones. Whereas time has somewhere stopped for me. People keep saying I will be big, I have a future…what future? It’s not even about men anymore. It’s not about finding a life partner. I feel at this moment that I’m losing friends…even those that I held so dear to me. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that nothings ever permanent or taken for granted. Sometimes even the longest and strongest relationships disintegrate into nothingness, drift away till you no longer recognize the friend you grew up with. I don’t even recognize the adults that used to be my school friends. And somehow, I wonder if they even know who I am anymore. For that matter, I no longer know who I am.
Work keeps me going sane. Work keeps me from thinking about how everything changes around me and how I should not get close to anyone EVER. And that I am a fool for trusting anyone ever again.
And yes, I miss the feeling of being loved. Of feeling secure. Of waking up to someone, bad breath and all. But more than that, I’m sick and tired of the pain of betrayal and I never want to feel that ever again. The pain I feel now is just a dull, achy pain like an old scar thats healed, but left its mark. I don’t ever want to be cut up like that again. The old scars are enough to remind me of that, and serve to keep me away from it all. And I hate to admit it, I miss my dad too. As much as I hate him, I miss him. And I regret not telling him ‘I love you’, even when I know I’d just be saying it to make him feel better, not because I mean it.
25…
I can’t sleep. As I was trying to sleep, I was counting a personal number. And it reached 25. And I’m ashamed that my count reached so high. serious, not serious, forgettable, etc….25. Although it may hike up as I go…my memory isn’t as good.
*sigh* Maybe it’s a good thing I’ve given it up….
Sicko….
Is it just me or has my life really become about my work? And the free time I do get, i spend it sleeping? And what’s wrong with sleeping anyway? I do have a busy life during the weekends…even do activities like dance class, hanging out with friends…….and some other things. I’m living a pretty guy-free life at the moment, which should make some people happy at the fact that I’m not completely pining away.
I took the weekend off and caught up on my usual “So You Think You Can Dance” and a few movies I’ve been wanting to watch. “Sicko” being one of them. And it was a sick thing to watch.
The film was touching and very, very scary. How can a country that is sooooo bloody rich (with most of the world’s wealth residing there) be so callous about their citizens? My dad keeps on harping about the ‘American Dream’. But frankly, seeing the state USA is in, especially the health care system, I’m very scared. Especially for my dad. He was never good with money management and God forbid should he fall ill, it would be a very costly affair.
I’m not being critical about USA, nor can I call anything I say or do as ‘anti-American’. But why are they so damn touchy about anything regarding the war? If a dance show like SYTYCD does a segment that is pro-peace, people start equating it as pro-peace=anti-war=anti-Americanism. What the?! And what rankled me more was the SYTYCD team apologizing for something they didn’t do.
Is it just me or does it look like America isn’t really as democratic as they wish it was? How can democracy condemn things like pro-peace? Or believe that essential services like health care should be privatized as social system will lead to *gasp* communism or socialism? What is free schooling, library and fire-services anyway?
Anyway….back to cooking. Ah…the stress-buster….
Sitting Back….
It’s finally the weekend. Yipeee….
Just chilling at Shwets place. My ATM/Debit card still doesn’t work. What a pain. Just listenin’ to that song and remembering. *sigh*
I think this post will be short. I just feel like listening, reflecting, and perhaps sitting back and letting out a sigh…..
Bittersweet sighs…
Another note to self. Must try to control myself from throttling the responsible people at my bank for not getting my first and second ATM/Debit card to work. Must also suppress urge to take out said suppressed anger out on any unsuspecting person/object in my state of agitation. Must also try to be sympathetic to my sister who has a watermelon for a baby and try not to tell her that I’ve had enough with her dumping her said suppressed frustration at hubby and in-laws onto me.
*Phew* Notes over. But the good news of today was a person I respect a lot told me some nice things about me. Ok, I think I’ll mention names. Reshma-ji (as Shwets would put it) read my palm today and told me things that really put a smile on my face. I think things will be ok. She also hugged me for the first time today. And it felt soooooooooooo good.
V. Sleepy. Shall hit the sack. The song that’s been in my head – the song that gives me bittersweet memories, more sweet than bitter – is “Have You Ever Loved A Woman” by Bryan Adams. That had a special memory for me and him:
(PS: I found this the most appropriate link…if you want the original Bryan Adams video, then you can click on the link in the lyrics)
To really love a woman,
To understand her,
You’ve got to know her deep inside …
Hear every thought,
See every dream,
And give her wings when she wants to fly.
Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms …
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she’s really wanted.
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she’s the one.
She needs somebody, to tell her that it’s gonna last forever.
So tell me have you ever really … really, really ever loved a woman?
To really love a woman,
Let her hold you,
Till you know how she needs to be touched.
You’ve got to breathe her, really taste her,
Till you can feel her in your blood.
And when you see your unborn children in her eyes …
You know you really love a woman.
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she’s really wanted.
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she’s the one.
She needs somebody, to tell her that it’s gonna last forever.
So tell me have you ever really … really, really ever loved a woman?
You’ve got to give her some faith,
Hold her tight, a little tenderness.
You’ve got to treat her right.
She will be there for you taking good care of you …
You really gotta love your woman.
And when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms,
You know you really love a woman.
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she’s really wanted.
When you love a woman,
You tell her that she’s the one.
She needs somebody, to tell her that it’s gonna last forever.
So tell me have you ever really … really, really ever loved a woman?
So tell me have you ever really … really, really ever loved a woman?
So tell me have you ever really … really, really ever loved a woman?
Revelations…
Note to self. Never speak to my sister when her in-laws are over. She is now in ‘vomit-bag’ mode and I’m her vomit-bag. I’m really sick of her doing that to me and no matter what people say about how she is on her own and at the mercy of her in-laws, I say – BULLSHIT! She can always go to mom, but she’s just too stubborn to go. I think my sympathy has been over-stretched and now I have no pity left for her. I’m close to letting her know that I’ve had enough of it.
I also realized something that I know I shouldn’t be feeling. I still love him. I don’t want him back and I know it’s over, but I realized that I still love him. Which is why I’m not ready to move on nor be in a relationship yet. But I’m not looking anyhow, so that may be a good thing. But yes, I know it now. I still love him. But talking about him, especially the good times, doesn’t hurt anymore. In fact, they remind me of some of the sweetest moments I’ve had. They make me smile – a small, bittersweet smile of remembrance.
Like his sense of direction – or rather the lack of it. It made for some nice outings – funny and romantic. Like being stuck in traffic for hours – I had some of the best quick naps then. Like the days spent just chilling together, reading out horoscopes…*sigh*. Those were the days…and yes, I do miss them. And I miss him. But I never want him back. And I will never trust him again. The person I knew and loved – still love – is no longer him.
