Seeing Red…
Now I know why I’m angry. Because he thinks I’m not enough as ‘his child’ that he wants his own. And no matter what Ma thinks and hopes, I’m never going to trust him again. Or forget what all he’s said to Ma.
First dad walks out on me saying that he had two new daughters and he didn’t need me. Now him. And screw all of them. I don’t need a father. I’m capable of being on my own. And taking care of mom. I’ll be her daughter and son. I don’t need a man in my life ever. They all can go to hell. And burn.
Turning Point…
Seems like I really am ‘dark and twisty’. And reaffirms my opinion that men are bastards and there’s no such thing as forever in love. It’s just an excuse to be with someone until it’s a convenient time to drop them like a sack of potatoes when going gets rough or when you don’t get what you want out of them.
I must do my duty as a daughter. I have to stand by mom. I’m all she’s got now. Turns out Pops has moved out. His family ‘influenced’ him that he needs to have kids. And obviously, my mom’s already hit menopause and can’t have anymore. Why didn’t the bastard think it through five years ago?!
And now I’m all she’s got. Because all my sister would do is smile a smug smile, gloat over this and say ‘I told you so’ and ’she deserves this…I knew this would happen but she wouldn’t listen’. So now I must shoulder this responsibility alone and take care of my mother.
But I’m scared. I’m the worst daughter possible. I can’t even take care of myself, how the hell will I take care of mom?! I’m never home, I’d rather be out with my friends instead of sitting at home depressed, I don’t do any housework or laundry – I even leave dishes in the sink unless it’s really piled up. Then I wash it. Because I need the dirty utensils to cook something. I’m really scared.
Scared about mom. And scared about my future. I wasn’t really close to my step dad. But he gave me hope. That perhaps there is such a thing as love. But no, there isn’t. There’s lust. And compromise. And not knowing better. And staying in a relationship because it’s more comfortable being miserable but with someone than having to start from scratch. I thought Jaggu really turned me off men. But now the final nail in the coffin is my step dad. That’s it. I’m done with them. They’re good for nothing except for occasionally scratching an itch that only they can do. They’ve used me. Now it’s about time I started using them.
I guess it’s time to truly grow up…
Cow Economics…
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and
then throws the milk away…
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow
has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned
by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to
all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
with an option onone more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the
roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called
‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high
bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real
situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
and invade yourcountry.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a Democracy….
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers
to celebrate.
Little Mosque On The Prairie – Season 2
Finally…season 2 of “Little Mosque On The Prairie” is on air. I’ve made a perma-link at the footer of my blog as well and will be updated as new episodes get broadcast:
PS: Big thanks to the uploader, asifnana
A Moment…to say something
For the past few days I’ve had this particular song buzzing in my head. Before y’all start with how silly the video is, let me point out that the song itself is priceless and I really like the tune of the 4th and middle verses:
–FEMALE–
Sapna mera sacha ho gaya
My dream has come true
Kabhi main kahoon, kabhi tum kaho
Sometimes I’ll say, sometimes you’ll say
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–MALE–
Kabhi main sunoon, kabhi tum suno
Sometimes I’ll hear, sometimes you’ll hear
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–FEMALE–
Kabhi main kahoon, kabhi tum kaho
Sometimes I’ll say, sometimes you’ll say
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
Paas paas hum saath saath yun baithe rahe
We’ll sit like this, close together
Ek dusre se yehi kehte rahe
We’ll say just this to each other
–MALE–
Paas paas hum saath saath yun baithe rahe
We’ll sit like this, close together
Ek dusre se yehi kehte rahe
We’ll say just this to each other
–FEMALE–
Kabhi main kahoon, kabhi tum kaho
Sometimes I’ll say, sometimes you’ll say
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–MALE–
Kabhi main sunoon, kabhi tum suno
Sometimes I’ll hear, sometimes you’ll hear
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–FEMALE–
Chalte rahe, udte rahe, hum behte rahe – 2
We’ll walk, we’ll fly, we’ll float
–MALE–
Ek dusre se yehi kehte rahe
We’ll say just this to each other
–FEMALE–
Kabhi main kahoon, kabhi tum kaho
Sometimes I’ll say, sometimes you’ll say
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–MALE–
Kabhi main sunoon, kabhi tum suno
Sometimes I’ll hear, sometimes you’ll hear
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–FEMALE–
Dard-e-dil, dard-e-jigar hum sehte rahe
The pain in our hearts we’ll bear
Ek dusre se yehi kehte rahe
We’ll say just this to each other
–MALE–
Dard-e-dil, dard-e-jigar hum sehte rahe
The pain in our hearts we’ll bear
Ek dusre se yehi kehte rahe
We’ll say just this to each other
–FEMALE–
Kabhi main kahoon, kabhi tum kaho
Sometimes I’ll say, sometimes you’ll say
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–MALE–
Kabhi main sunoon, kabhi tum suno
Sometimes I’ll hear, sometimes you’ll hear
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–FEMALE–
Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya
That I have given you this heart of mine
–MALE–
(Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya)
That I have given you this heart of mine
–FEMALE–
(Ke maine tumhe yeh dil de diya)
That I have given you this heart of mine
Mm hmm hmm hmm hmm, mm mm mm
Mm hmm, la la la la la
Ok, after watching the video, I admit that the choreography is downright cheesy, with all the head spinning and chest-popping and fake blushing. But I do wish I had someone to sing this song with. *sigh*
Confessions On The Dance Floor…
I think its time I shake my lethargy off and finish things that I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t had the time or inclination to do so. One being to complete my damn application to Concordia and send it off.
The other is to continue with my dance classes, whether it be swing, Latin ballroom, or even Bollywood. I always felt happy while watching dance, and definitely while dancing myself. While I truly wish I had a partner to learn with, I realize that to wait for him will only add more inches to my waist and hips and make me more depressed sitting at home when I could be out there dancing my heart out and enjoying myself.
As for men…hmmm. While I secretly wish they wouldn’t be such babies or jerks, I get tired of waiting for someone to make the move. But I’ve recently been really controlling myself from getting into the ‘prowl’ mode and hunting for anyone. While I do find some guys I truly wish would make a move on and notice me, let alone asking me out, I sigh and continue to let them be my eye-candy for the time being. Especially one dude who keeps passing by my desk ever so often…obviously not because I’m there, but because I sit very close to one of the edit-suites *sigh*. Although I occasionally smile at him and he smiles back…sometimes I say ‘hi’ and he says ‘hi’ back or smiles. Pathetic. I really am pathetic. Oh, and my eyes follow him most of the time. Right. I really need to get a life now.
*sigh* double *sigh*….I need a big ego boost. And sorry not from friends. But from a damn=hot stranger who isn’t a perv or a jerk.
Happy butt-day mom!!
Oops. I almost forgot my mum’s butt-day. Well, I didn’t really forget it’s tomorrow, I just forgot that tomorrow was tomorrow, if you get my drift :S
But I managed to get her something really nice. I thought that since it’s the first time her birthday is falling on a time when I have a steady income, I would get her something lavish. Like a spa treatment at Cleopatra’s. But then I thought, why not get her something a little more tangible – a token of my first full-time job that falls on her day? So I got her these 22k gold earrings with semi-precious stones from Damas. Luckily, she loves it and its matching her outfit for tomorrow.
I got my leave approved. So I’m going to my best bud’s wedding in Feb!!!
And yet again I crave for company. Or the feeling of high that I get at the beginning of a relationship. While I have a few happening at the initial stages, I feel absolutely nothing. I know that even if I force myself to get into it, it still won’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling, or even the warm glow of a close friendship. I feel zip. Zilch. Nada. A big, fat zero. I might feel physically satisfied at the touch, or perhaps kiss, but it won’t make me ‘blossom’ or feel alive from inside. And that, my friend, makes a person feel more isolated than being alone altogether.
Ok, I need to bitch this out. Apparently, a ‘friend’ was into me, but Ramadan came along. So we’d wait till Eid. During Ramadan, no calls, no contact whatsoever. I was pissed because no matter how busy a person is, if they have some sort of feelings for me, they’d stay in touch. Whatever, I didn’t burn all my bridges in frustration. Eid came. Still no sign. And then, this morning as I’m driving to work, this aforementioned ‘friend’ has enough time to pull a live radio prank for a colleague. That was the last straw. I wiped every last trace of him from my phone, messengers, email, life. That’s it. He no longer exists for me. If there’s any sort of virtual bitch-slapped-to-the-ground-and-then-beaten-into-a-pulp-till-I’m-tired-of-being-angry-and-frustrated-and-humiliated, that’s what I’d like to do to him.
So at the moment, there is a major battle happening between my body’s craving and my heart’s desire. Do I give in just to satisfy my lust, but feel alone? Or do I pull out and wait in frustration till that tingly feeling returns? *sigh* Who said relationships were easy? And it’s hard to find both.
So while I fume in frustration, I best try to distract myself with Harry Potter. Which I’m rereading for the 12th time.
Total Eclipse Of The Heart
Mood of the day…
(pay attention to the highlighted words):
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you’re never coming around
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you’ll only hold me tight
We’ll be holding on forever
And we’ll only be making it right
Cause we’ll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark
We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
There’s nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you’ll only hold me tight
We’ll be holding on forever
And we’ll only be making it right
Cause we’ll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark
We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
There’s nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Cauliflower Day!!!
…not really. But it was Gopi’s butt-day today. Well, yesterday evening now that it’s hit midnight now. It was a fun dinner, with Karan cracking a PJ every five seconds.
Otherwise, the day had been pretty hectic. War of the edit-suites has begun now that the ‘other’ station is launching very soon. And therefore thinks its their birth-right to hog every edit-station and equipment. My boss got hopping mad and I gave T a piece of my mind too. I don’t care whether they can’t manage it and launch on time. We have deadlines too!!!
Speaking of piece of mind, I gave P some too. We were supposed to meet up for lunch but he doesn’t bother calling me until my lunch break was over – so I acted like a royal bitch. And that’s a good thing too. I should act like a royal princess-bitch. All of them men should be lining up to even get a millisecond of my time, not me ending up wasting my lunch break wondering when the bugger would show up.
Funny thing is, I enjoyed coffee with Suhail. Although I still think he’s a lying, cheating, spineless bastard and no, I don’t quite believe him about the ‘asking out’ bit after we broke up.
And today while driving home, I had a flashback: my first date…the first kiss…the first gift…the first………and then I remember the times I still met him despite appearing to have moved on with someone else. I, the idiot, who cheated with him, but never on him. Had he not married in December, I probably still would have met him the same way I’ve done these three and half years.
Three and half years. That is a long time. I keep complaining about never having a long relationship. When all this time I’ve been an idiot. And then I think about Jaggu. The first time we met. The first kiss. The first long drive. The first movie marathon at his place. The first weekend. The first alot-of-things.
And then out came things that should have warned me, but I ignored. Because I was foolishly optimistic. What made me possibly think that a man can change? Perhaps, but I’m not the one. That’s the problem. I’m not the one. I. Am. Not. The. One. I’m not.
You know what thought runs in my head whenever I think of Jaggu? Is he fucking another woman? Or worse, a hooker? Because knowing the answer, or even not knowing – it bothers me. Does he even miss me? Regret me not being there? Does he even care?! Perhaps, I already know the answers. But I’m not ready to face them.
Tea, Coffee or Ex?
Funny thing about exs. They kinda pop into your life when you least expect. Or sometimes, when you least want them too. Although in my case, it’s more of the former than the latter.
Had coffee with you-know-who today. Well, more like hot chocolate. And we talked. And talked. And talked. I didn’t want to go home, hence I said OK to the coffee.
Is it perfectly fine, in a morbidly curious way, to want to find out more about his wife and his family? Whether he’s having a kid or not? Or whether he’d ever mention it should that occur? Yes, I know, stop obsessing. I’m not really obsessing because I give a damn. I’m obsessing because curiosity is getting the better of me.
However, that aside, I’ve been getting little jolts of pain occasionally around the area where I’m guessing either my right ovary should be, or my left kidney. Ever since I got my p’s a week ago, I’ve been having pain around that area. It’s like someone is trying to squeeze all the matter out of my ovary/kidney. Or using it as a punching bag. YOW!
Ok, time to hit the sack. Nighty-nite byatches… :p
