How…
Suffering from my usual bout of insomnia. So that’s why I’m up at 3am and blogging when I run out of movies to watch.
I feel sad to admit that I’ve let myself go in the past few weeks. My room is buried under clothes in a half-hearted attempt to do a closet clean. My waistline and every possible width in my body is expanding, decide my goal to be slimmer by Cammy’s wedding in Feb. My hair is a total mess of highlights gone wrong. And I feel continuously depressed since God-knows-when. I’m a step short of smoking and drinking my way to oblivion. And lets not forget my social circle has diminished considerably.
I will miss P when he leaves. But it’s a good thing my best bud is in town as he goes. I’ve been thinking about my sis alot. I’m even dreaming about her now. I miss her. I want to patch things up. Yet I can’t let her walk all over me like she always does. Passing her judgments, insinuating names…I’m not putting up with her problems or crap anymore.
I miss Ray terribly. I don’t know why I’ve become so baby-crazy all of a sudden. I hope this is just a phase and it will all go away. Because I know the pains and desperation people go through to have a baby and I don’t want to go through that. When I’m financially settled or capable, I will adopt, marriage or not.
I’m going to be seeing dad soon. That’s going to be very tricky. How do I explain to him that I’m not leaving Dubai for another 2-3 years at the very least, if not at all? How do I tell a man who thinks the only life to be had is his that I don’t want to go to USA because I need to be with mom? How do I tell a man that will gloat over my mom’s state of affairs that while he can desert his daughter and tell her he doesn’t need her, that I can’t leave Ma and pursue my life? How?! I’m dreading staying with dad…
The Damn Snooze Button…
Well, first of all, Eid Mubarak to everyone out there. I know it’s the festive season, but don’t feel particularly festive. Maybe because the spirit of season cheers kinda vanished with childhood…like when you find out Santa doesn’t exist (not that I ever believed Santa existed).
Sooooo, want to know what I did for Eid? I slept. And occasionally ate. Went for lunch on SZR with mom, and then spent some time with P. And met Hamy now that she’s back in town. You know what we did throughout our reunion get-together at her place? Yes boys and girls, we SLEPT again…lol.
Spoke to Dad on Eid. I called him up in USA. Told him about the little surprise my office gave me on completing six months (more on that later when I’m at liberty to say). Wasn’t surprised when dad had his usual response of I’m-excited-but-its-still-not-as-good-as-being-a-dentist tone of voice.
I was up last night talking to P till about 3-4 in the morning. We fell asleep in the living room and then he woke me up at 9. I finally crawl out of bed to see that he went to his room and dozed off :S So I curled up and dozed on his tummy for a while. He’s very huggable, warm and bear-like in structure. I’m going to miss that when he leaves. I told him that he can lave his arms here and go to India hehehe.
Yawar called me up. Well, I technically called him up to wish him and we started chatting. Apparently, Sam is in town but hasn’t bothered calling any of us so-called members of our old “group” of friends. Infact, we find out he’s been in town through another not-so-close friend who we don’t recall him ever being so close to (infact, I think he used to take a dig at them too) that he’s in town. Well, that certainly got my panties in a bunch. Not to mention he managed to piss me off last time he was here.
I don’t get it. We were high school best friends. Infact, I’d been to his place too and his parents knew me very well as his friend. And things kinda got muddy when he left for college abroad and we kinda hooked-up long-distance. It fizzled just before he arrived for the holidays because he told me he might be ‘asexual’. What the hell does that mean? Anyway, I took it as him telling me that after being with me, he realized he was happier being gay. I thought that was a really half-assed excuse and an insult to those who are really gay. That aside, with time we managed to repair the damage to our friendship. Or so I thought. When he came back in town last time, he left his phone in my car and had to lie to his parents about coming to see me to collect it. He couldn’t mention he was talking to me or that I exist. Jeez, what am I? His dirty little secret?! Anyway, it cheesed me off further so I’m now not going to bother unless he openly decides to meet me. I’m not going to be this dirty little secret that he needs to hide from his folks. For that matter, Zahid had much stricter parents and his folks and I now get along very well.
Ok, rant over. One of these days, before new years, I’ll do a Reflection 2007. Going to go nap now…
Too Late…
I’ll keep it short. I’m sleepy and I have a long day tomorrow. I’ll probably write lengthier posts over the Eid hols…btw, I’m getting a five day holiday so yipee!
That being said, I troubled P late last night because I had my usual extreme mood swing and I felt a little emo and suicidal. I sometimes scare myself when I get to these extreme fits of depression. I started crying for no reason and felt like nothing in the world was right. I still feel a little low, but its manageable.
I’m seriously thinking about adoption. I need to read up more about the proceedure in Dubai to know. I don’t have any requirements, except perhaps the child should be as young as possible, although it’s more about me finding a child that touches my heart and makes me want to reach out to him/her. Boy or girl? No real preference, although I might lean towards a boy simply because I get along with men better. And I hope I can have one less jerk becoming into existence in this world.
Current song in my head:
Apologize
“One Republic”
I’m holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I’m hearin what you say but I just can’t make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you’re sorry
Didn’t think I’d turn around, and say…
It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I’d take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it’s nothin new – yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it’s turning blue, and you say…
“Sorry” like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I’m afraid…
It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
It’s too late to apologize, yeah
I said it’s too late to apologize, yeah-
I’m holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground…
Jay…
I know what upsets me. At least about when certain things end. It’s not so much about me not being with the said person. I know that perhaps us as a couple would not be a good match, which would result in a very unhappy or a conflict-ridden relationship. Thankfully, I’m mature enough to know that. But its more about seeing up close the lengths a man would go to get his love, as well as how they treat their soul mate with the commitment and tenderness of ‘true love’.
I wish I had that. I wish I had someone who would treat me like that. Someone who’d think I’m worth whatever hell they have to go through to get me. But it eludes me. And it’s reaching the point where I wonder whether that would ever happen. People keep telling me it will happen. But in the deepest part of my heart, I hope so yet don’t feel like it will happen.
To be honest, perhaps I feel a little jay. Not because I want him, but because the woman is lucky to be a recipient to his affection. I wish someone would love me and care for me like he does to her.
Songs in my head. I’m too tired to post lyrics and translation, but the songs haunt me and sadden me a little. They feel so full of unrequited, wistful love:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_Ugksz2z5w&rel=1">
AIDS Jaago…
I feel groggy today – probably from staying up late last night. Thanks to an unnamed angel, I got tickets for yesterday’s DIFF gala for Indian cinema, AIDS Jaago. I dragged P along and it was good fun.
Let me start from the beginning. I got the tickets in the morning, only to find out that they were only for the gala, not the screening. So I went early and thankfully sorted that out. But I know had about two hours to kill at the venue. Met people I worked with last year, and I felt a sense of familiarity and belonging at the Arena, despite whatever politics upper management might have. I’m soooo going to work there next year.
Anyhow, I was glad in the end that I dragged P along as it’s good to have someone to talk to and share a giggle, albeit a corny one. We met the director of Frozen, Shivaji. He was a nice guy. But I may have initially bulldozed him over in my hurry to sort out the ticket issue. Sorry! *sheepish grin*
So we head for the movie while P drools over Raima Sen (men! I tell you!) and I have to admit that the movie, or rather the anthology of shorts, was interesting and thought-provoking, even if I don’t quite believe the possibility of certain things, like why a laborer would randomly end up having a quickie with a middle-class, albeit gorgeous, woman.
We went for the gala afterwards which was crowded as hell and I became P’s food inspector a.k.a. Guinea-pig (he’s veg). I met some old acquaintances, including bitchy ex-boss. Had food and got a call from my sister reminding me to drop her to the airport. I didn’t forget, so I headed out to the carlot and bumped into none other than Mira Nair and the cast of “AIDS Jaago”! P finally fulfilled his wish of meeting Raima Sen and it ended on a good note.
As if.
I was a little high on lack of sleep and P, being concerned as he was, suggested he follow me to my home to make sure I don’t crash into a tree and also suggested to drop my sister. I normally wouldn’t take up on an offer like that because I believe I’m a capable driver, but I was a little drowsy and I didn’t want to endanger my nephew by driving while sleepy. So I said yes.
And I fibbed to my sister a little. I told her my car broke down and luckily P was there to bail me out. And she didn’t like the idea of him dropping them (or rather her husband – jackass) and she proceeded to tell me what a failure I was for not doing one simple job and how she is not going to put up with me and my three-million affairs and random guys and she would have a ‘talk’ with me when she gets back. That upset me. First, I try to do my job as best as I can. And secondly, dragging my friend though the mud. I cried all night. I was really hurt. And I’m still hurt.
Let me clear this out – P is just a friend, even if he is a very close friend. I don’t understand why she needs to think every new friend I make is another ‘one-night stand’ or ‘torrid affair’. And even if it were the case, that doesn’t give her the right to dictate how my life goes. She and her smug little family and baby life. She forgot the time when she was like me, and I covered her ass when she wanted to sneak out and meet her guys. I’ve had it. I’m not going to speak to her again. She’s such a hypocritical bitch.
Encounters…
This is a place to spill my guts isn’t it? Well, almost.
Anyway, I don’t know why I get freaked out when mom insists on playing the Holy Quran throughout the day and night when we’re not watching TV or playing music. I know people may frown out at me, but it freaks me out. Mom says she’s doing it because she feels uneasy and she thinks her in-laws are performing black magic and hence the entire split and all. While I don’t deny the existence of black magic, what I am skeptical to is how much black magic is to blame for my stepdad’s behavior. While perhaps, for the benefit of doubt, it did change him, I think there’s a part of him that really wanted to do this. And that’s why I give mom the withering look every time she talks about how his parents ‘enchanted’ him and hence he left. He’s not entirely blameless.
Plus I guess my connotations with a house suddenly turning religious, like Qurans being kept in every corner of the house, or playing the Quran throughout the house, means that the house is haunted or possessed. And that freaks me out even further. Because I get the jitters with anything supernatural, good or bad. I know I am sensitive to feeling other-worldly things. And I generally can’t sleep now thanks to mom doing this. And I need my sleep!!! Is that too much to ask?!
Why can’t mom just accept that he’s really just an insensitive jerk and move on instead of creeping me out by doing all this?! I now make sure I use the loo before she goes into creepy mode so that I don’t need to leave my room during the night…oh, and I play my version of soothing music so that I can try and get some sleep. I know some religious dudes might frown at me, but I can’t explain how the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I go out in the middle of the night through my dark corridor to get water and hear this lone male voice reciting the Quran and I sense movement of beings…*shiver*
Oh Baby…
Life can be ironically cruel. I know it isn’t a big issue, nor am I hurt because he has moved on without me. In that sense, I’m quite surprised that I have no feelings for him and what we had. It’s just an ego issue.
Ok, I’ll back up a little bit. Suhail got back in town recently and we spoke and caught up on the phone. In conversation, we were talking about how babies are popping out of everywhere (Rayhaan, his nephew, some colleague’s kid, and a few more) and I jokingly asked him when he’d be a daddy too. And then he as matter-of-fact said Jan. That hit me hard. I asked him when he planned on telling me that. And he said I’d never asked. Jeez, you’d think a baby was something important. Especially after making me feel like his marriage was of his mom’s will and he wasn’t happy about it and still kinda-possibly-had feelings for me although he’d never act on it. I’d never act on it either but it made me feel good that he had some regrets about leaving me.
But apparently not enough to be screwing his wife and having a baby exactly a year after marriage. I suppose he didn’t want to waste time eh? You know what irritates me? That I wasted years of life thinking he was quite possibly the one and it was some ’star-crossed lovers’ thing. That a person who clearly didn’t care (and still doesn’t care) about the fact that he’s settled, financially and with wife and kid, has everything you can think of, yet doesn’t appreciate it. And all I want is to be financially secure and have someone to begin a family life with, kids or not. And I’m nowhere near that.
I’m paranoid. I know people say I’m still young, but I’m not. I have problems…fertility problems. I’ve given up because anything to do with treatment involves pumping me with hormones that make me sick and suicidal. I don’t want kids badly enough to inflict all that on myself. I’d rather adopt. For that matter, I’m adopting a child anyway, fertile or not. I’m only panicking for the sake of my future husband. If he wants kids out of me, my time is limited. It’ll take me years to get pregnant, and I only have about five years left. And getting to the point of marriage isn’t easy. I’m running out of time. And as each day goes by, I’m still alone. I guess this is where I can say I’m desperate. But a part of me knows I’m probably going to be alone. The only thing I can do within my power is be financially secure enough to be able to adopt a child once I pass my ‘expiry’ date.
I feel blue. Perhaps it may be hormones, or perhaps the feeling of helplessness again. I don’t know. But I feel upset.
Current Song in my head:
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin’ could go wrong
Now I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
‘Cause I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hangin’ on
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside
Anymore…
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Other Current song in my head:
pyaar hai ya sazaa, aye mere dil bata
Is this love or a punishment, oh my heart tell me
tootata kyon nahi dard ka silsila
Why does the sequence of pain not break
is pyaar mein hon kaise kaise imntihaan
What kinds of tests are there in this love?
ye pyaar likhe kaisi kaisi dastaan
What kind of stories does this love write?
ya rabba de de koi jaan bhi agar
Oh God, even if someone gives up his life
dilbar pe ho na, dilbar pe ho na koi asar
It has no effect at all on the lover
kaisa hai safar wafa ki manzil ka
What is this journey to the destination of loyalty
na hai koi hal dilon ki mushkil ka
There is no solution to the trials of heart
dhadkan dhadkan bikhri ranjishein
In every beat (of the heart) there are complaints scattered
saansein saansein tooti bandishein
In every breath the rhythm of music breaks
kahin to har lamha honton pe fariyaad hai
Somewhere there is a plea to God in every moment
kisi ki duniya chaahat mein barbaad hai
Someone’s world is destroyed in desire/love
koi na sune sisakati aanhon ko
No one listens to the sobbing eyes
koi na thaame tadapati baahon ko
No one holds the agonising arms
aadhi aadhi puri khwaishein
half fulfilled are dreams/wishes
tooti footi sab farmaaishein
requests are all broken
kahin shak hain kahin nafrat ki deewaar hai
There is suspicion somewhere and a wall of hatred somewhere
kahin jeet mein bhi shamil palpal haar hain
Defeat is entrenched every moment in victory somewhere
na poocho dard bandon se
Don’t ask people what pain is
hansi kaisi khushi kaisi
what’s happiness and what’s laughter
musibat sar pe rehati hain
There is always some kind of trouble brewing
kabhi kaisi kabhi kaisi
sometimes like this and sometimes like that
