Too Late…
Thoughts of ending it all have entered my head many times today. Especially now. I can’t take it anymore. I am a miserable wretch of a human being. I am a coward. A Bitch. Every horrible thing you can throw at me. I don’t deserve to live, procreate or even have a functional relationship because all I do is upset and disappoint everyone. I am the worst person to ever live on this planet. I hate myself. And so will my whole family. I want to die so desperately. I want to die, yet I can’t. How wretched can I get?!
I can’t die because if I do, my mom will get hauled in jail. Or so if the law goes something on the lines on the guardian is responsible if their child does themselves in. So now I will live in hell on Earth because everyone hates me, if they already they haven’t already. Everything is my fault. I’m numb in fear and pain. I can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t eat, can’t sleep. My head hurts. And I’m allergic to most over-the-counter painkillers. So I have to deal with this pain while I’m awake. I’ve thrown up twice already. I hate myself. I hate the people for making me feel this way. But more than that, I hate myself and know I only have myself to blame. DIE BITCH DIE. WHY DON’T YOU DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND JUST DIE!!!!!! NOBODY LIKES YOU. THEY HATE YOU. EVEN THE ONE YOU LOVED CALLED YOU A CALCULATING MANIPULATIVE BITCH. JUST DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING WHORE GO DIE!!!!
My first Tag!
Ok, now that I’ve been tagged, here goes:
Anyway, I’ve been tagged by Dubaibilly.
So If you don’t know the rules, here they are:
1. Choose the closest book to you with more than 123 pages (don’t cheat)
The book that’s nearest is The Tarot Bible.
2. Open it at page 123.
Did that.
3. Read the 5th sentence.
Did that.
4. Blog the next 4 sentences.
“The Sun is the source of all life on this Earth; without it we wouldn’t be here. The archetypal Sun represents courage, energy, insight and getting to the heart of a matter. With this card we can illuminate our lives with clarity and truth, rather than hide in the dark shadows of the Moon. The Sun encourages us to move on and leave those shadows behind.”
5. Tag 5 more bloggers.
Three of Pentacles…
Today’s card is the Three of Pentacles. Now the Pentacles suit, or sometimes called discs or coins, generally deals with trade, finance and wealth. Our living essentially.
From the Waite deck, it shows a craftsmen work on a sculpture, while the clergy and patron look on. The three pentacles are a part of the archway of the church. In the Gothic deck, it is shown as three ravens perched on a sill, with the three pentacles carved above each raven. There is a greenman with a painful expression carved below the sill.
From looking at both cards, I think it means that it is a completion of something – perhaps a project or craft/skill. The trinity (note heavy use of Christian symbology in the Waite cards in general) could mean the accomplishment of a whole through combining its parts. Which could mean the completion of a job through teamwork.
Now from the books, it goes on the lines of ‘recognition for your work’ and a ‘rise in ranks or position and wealth’. Whether it is applicable today, probably not. But on a general base, probably. I am learning and gaining more knowledge and experience at work.
Does this card have any significance for me today? Not in obvious ways…
Ace of Cups…
Today’s card is the Ace of Cups. Now before I go into my interpretation, let me tell you a little about Cups. Cups is a suit in the minor arcana bit of the deck, which generally refers to happenings with the heart, emotions and relationships. I can without doubt say that the fact that I think a lot about relationships is also manifesting itself into the cards.
Now to the card itself. In the Waite deck, it shows a ‘godly’ hand holding a cup from which water issues forth in all four directions. There is also a dove that has a biscuit. It looks alot like the Holy Grail. But in the gothic deck, the card shows an ornate goblet with rubies encrusted near the rim. The colors are shades of black and red.
From my very sketchy reading and knowledge of Aces in general, I think it means the beginning or potential for love and intimacy. Perhaps a new friend or romance. Perhaps me opening up to someone new, or to someone I was distant before. Is that happening right now? Perhaps.
What does the book say? Wow. Pretty much the same. Although I like the line “Contentment, joy and abundance, harmonious home life, health, nourishment, a new relationship, truth in love“. Perhaps it could also mean that because it’s the weekend and I’m relaxing, I will be ‘nourished’ and ‘healthy’. hehe…
Three of Cups…
I’ve decided to start a new feature in my blog posts which is the Daily Tarot Card. Not only is this a great way to learn all the cards, but also interesting to see if there is any pattern.
Today’s card is Three of Cups. Since I’m using my personal fave, the Gothic, I’ll start with my own interpretation of the card before reading the ‘given’ interpretation. It looks like two cups supporting another cup, forming a basic three-cup pyramid. I guess it means something to do with friends and the support they give. It could symbolize either the fact that the support exists, or will occur, or a lack of. Perhaps its me feeling the lack of it, even if it exists.
The book says teamwork and a sense of togetherness with people at work or those around me. It also signifies a victory through teamwork. Wow. I guess my interpretation wasn’t too off. And the book could be right in an aspect.
Things have been crazy at work but it does have its rewards and I have felt that we are progressing as a brand and that now is our time to shine. Hmmmm….
I think I’m getting out of the depression, although I sometimes get disgusted by things around me, which in turn make me want to cry in frustration. But I try to take a deep breath and chant to myself: “My day will come soon.”
Guilty Pleasure 1: FB-PMing a newly made friend and possibly having a small crush on said recipient.
Guilty Pleasure 2: Sending naughty SMSs during work with P. Felt a slight shiver at one point.
One way…
Today was a loooooooooooooooooong day at work. I felt a little better. Perhaps it was because we had a successful tour at MAHE Manipal today and got loads of registered peeps and people interested in our upcoming mega-competition. Don’t underestimate desi power.
Everybody at work noticed my bad mood yesterday. They kept asking me if I was ok. I suppose that’s a sweet gesture. My throat feels like sand paper. And I feel like my skeleton will pop out of my mouth every time I cough. Oh, and here’s a GIGO moment:
After barely whispering a ‘good morning’ to a colleague:
Colleague: You sound sick. Have a cold?
Me: No, I’m trying out as a phone sex operator…
Current song stuck in my head:
One way or another I’m gonna find ya
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I’m gonna win ya
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I’m gonna see ya
I’m gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I’m gonna meetcha, I’m gonna meetcha, I’ll meetcha
I will drive past your house
And if the lights are all down
I’ll see who’s around
One way or another I’m gonna find ya
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I’m gonna win ya
I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha
One way or another I’m gonna see ya
I’m gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I’m gonna meetcha, I’ll meetcha
And if the lights are all out
I’ll follow your bus downtown
See who’s hanging out
One way or another I’m gonna lose ya
I’m gonna give you the slip, a slip of the lip or another
I’m gonna lose ya, I’m gonna trick ya, I’ll trick ya
One way or another I’m gonna lose ya
I’m gonna trick ya trick ya trick ya trick ya
One way or another I’m gonna lose ya
I’m gonna give you the slip
I’ll walk down the mall
Stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all
Find out who ya call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout
Some specials and rat food, get lost in the crowd
One way or another I’m gonna getcha, I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha getcha getcha getcha
(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)
One way or another I’m gonna getcha, I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha getcha getcha getcha
(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)
One way or another I’m gonna getcha, I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha getcha getcha getcha
(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)
[repeat until fade]
Yes it’s the ultimate stalker song, but no I don’t have anyone to stalk…
Endings…
Still sick as ever. And the symptoms remind me of the cough & flu I had in USA. I wonder whether I really got over it or not. But can’t really take off, even if the powers that be told me to. Too much to do and I want to do it. Maybe I am a workaholic.
And I was irritable and cranky as ever. I do hope its PMS, rather than me turning into a dried up cranky bat. I even snapped at a few co-workers. And I’m super sensitive. I got a little hurt that certain people don’t consider me their ‘near ones’. But whatever. Just because I feel something for someone, doesn’t mean they feel the same way. I guess I need to keep my distance and not do so many favors. Not that I minded initially, nor did I do it for the purpose of getting some kind of return, even emotionally. That’s what I do for friends. But now that I’m over-expending my energy, I’d rather conserve it on people who would do the same for me.
I feel overwhelmed with the many responsibilities that have recently fallen on to me. I try to do all of them at once, but perhaps my juggling skills leave much to be desired. If I try to do all the tasks required of me, I am left with no time and/or money to have a life or to be with friends/pursue a relationship. I feel alone and isolated. But I suppose I’ve always felt that way, so nothing new.
And this weekend, the thought of ending it all has crossed my mind frequently. I know I’d never do it, but the feelings and thoughts remain. I was a morbid person – correction – I AM a morbid person. I feel like I support everyone, but no-one is ever really there for me. Or they’re going to leave anytime soon, if they haven’t already left. I cant take it anymore. And if I discuss my future plans with someone, they call me ‘anal’. Yes, I can’t let it go because that off-handed remark really hurt me.
There’s only so much leaning on I can do on anyone. I guess I just got to suck it up and take it like a man. Or woman. I hate everything…
Big Girl Itching…
Not going to write much as my allergies have flaired up and I’m itching like crazy again. My throat feels inflamed and swollen, my nose is stuffed up, and the return of the aggravated pimples/boils/red inflamed spots have come back all over my hands and legs. I didn’t eat anything I shouldn’t have eaten, nor used any new products. What gives?!
Ok, I may have eaten from a mallu-joint because I couldn’t get time today morning to make myself a sandwich. And I ordered sweet corn chicken soup that I didn’t finish because it tasted awful. And the itching started after lunch. So I’m guessing it might have been the soup. My sister said it might be MSG. Probably. If I feel awful tomorrow, I’ll go to the doc. Although there’s just so much work to do…arghhhhh.
I heard this song a few times and I think the words finally sunk in. I do like the song, althoough I have no-one to leave behind at the moment, except for my past:
La Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You’re probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightening out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
The path that I’m walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps ’til I’m full grown, full grown
Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightening out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We’ll play jacks and UNO cards
I’ll be your best friend and you’ll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
‘Cause I want to hold yours too
We’ll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it’s time for me to go home
It’s getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightening out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
La Da Da Da Da Da
The Friend…
I should try proper breathing exercises. So that I don’t barf or get disgusted by a friend who I can honestly now say is a ‘flirtaholic’. I should just ignore things now. Calm down, count to ten. Breathe. Let go. It’s not my business and thinking about it makes me look and feel bad and insecure.
Perhaps I’m jealous. I don’t know. Well whether it’s me or not, I need to breathe. Count to ten. Let go. Why do I get disgusted? Because she has a ’special someone’, and for her own reasons, wants to finish that yet can’t do so. So it’s an on-off relationship. Yet, she flirts like crazy ‘cos it makes her feel good. And in the process, ends up either unintentionally rubbing it in my face or hogging everyone when we are together. And therefore, I end up feeling frumpy or dull. I’m not dull. I can flirt. I am charming. I can get a guy too. It’s just…I’m staying away now from one-night flings, or men who are ‘damaged goods’, because unless they can truly love me, I know it would be a one-sided affair and their either burnt by their exs or still thinking about them. I’m not going to be a time-pass or rebound girl. I want to be the one. And I can’t do that when they already find my friend infinitely more charming. ARghhhh!!!! I think I’ll just go to my bottle of Nutella and adopt a cat. Boys or men aren’t worth it.
My instincts were right. We can only be friends as long as we’re useful for each other. The minute it stops being mutual, the true colors are shown. I don’t even know if I can truly call her my best friend. Friend yes, but best no more. And I’m going to let go. Although perhaps I should thank her. She can take care of all the shallow, fickle-minded guys who can’t see me for who I really am. Their bad luck.
