We Did It!
I’ve finally emerged from hibernation to bask in the smugness and positive vibes of accomplishment. If anyone noticed, I’ve not been blogging much due to a gigantic workload and preparing for the grand finale – the SHOOF Troops 2008 Awards Ceremony.
After all those days of no sleep, running around like a headless chicken, the day arrived. People kept canceling last minute, replacements were found and arranged, schedules also had to be rearranged for new things and it was pure chaos even 5 minutes to show time. But once it began, it went like clockwork and it was short and sweet. My first big event was finally over. And it was magical and I was ecstatic and high. Even though I’d like to brag and say that the initial concept and overall managing was moi, it was truly a team effort and everyone working on it did an amazing job. It truly wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the group effort. Thank you for being an amazing team. And thank God for being blessed with such an amazing team.
And mom came for the event. It meant alot for me for her to be there. Even Clary came. I wish P could have been there, but I understand why he couldn’t make it.
On a slightly vain note, my hair looked amazing after a quick blow dry at the salon. My face didn’t look so round either. Maybe I should stick to straightening it rather than hoping for crazy-just-been-screwed-loose-wavy-curls.
Back to bed now…
Mina and the Count…
And I’m blogging at this indecent hour of the night because I’m high on happy pills. Well, I took my recommended dosage, but I took it a tad too late.
And now I’m listening to dancey numbers and trying to sleep. So not happening.
I want to perform on stage again. Dance and have the world see me dance. But I suppose I’ll have to make do with singing, although I still need to work on it a bit. If you wanna have a go, click on the Mars FM button above and get your dosage of moi!
I want to desperately crawl into bed right now. But I’m not sleepy per se. Yet I’m exhausted. I’m a walking contradiction.
Ok, I think I’ll force myself to sleep again.
PS: Enjoy this cartoon I love and have been searching for for ages:
Random Thoughts…
Called in sick today. And did nothing but rest. Felt exhausted thanks to crazy week and weekend. And it felt good to stay in bed later.
I’m learning to not give in to my mom’s emotional blackmails and guilt trip. It still isn’t any easier, but I’m learning to ignore it and not let it bother me much. I need to be selfish and take care of myself. And work on my priorities.
I’ve been reading this book titled “Don’t Be That Girl”. It was interesting to read.
I want to date again. But where do I find the men? Or rather, how will I meet men to be able to date? My whole day is spent working, and then too tired to do anything but crawl into bed. And the weekends…I catch up on my sleep debt, or taking mom on her heaped up pile of chores. Online dating isn’t a really good idea.
And even though I love P to bits as a friend, he can’t be a replacement for men and relationships indefinitely. I want to start doing bf/gf things and enjoy having a special someone in my life. I guess I need some sort of rush in my life. To feel alive.
Or at the very least, new friends to hang out with. Or even older friends who I could catch up with. I don’t know. I know I need to get out of the rut I feel I’m getting into.
Going Out…
As usual, things have been crazy. And more so till 29 May. And maybe till the EURO2008 is over (more on that later). But I will try blogging and surfing whenever I can.
That aside, I realized something while surfing through my bookmarked blogs. I’ve never been on a dinner date. As in somewhere more elegant than Chilli’s or a fast food chain. Yea, I went to a few pubs for a drink or two, but I never drank anything ‘cos I was the driver while my date chugged down a few.
Not that I haven’t gone on fine dining, but nothing beyond treats with family and friends. I’m not complaining as such either, nor will I die if it never happens. It’s just something I realized. I’d like to have a nice night out of refined and elegant dining, where my date is truly going out of his way to impress me. Nice ambiance, interesting conversation and being able to have a drink because I’m not the one driving. Being treated like a lady.
I’d like to also go on a romantic getaway. Need not be something expensive, but just a nice place where it’s just me and him relaxing and seeing a new place. Not driving up to Jebel Hafeet and down again and considering that a day trip. Or going to Barracuda to get trashed, with me being the designated driver.
*sigh* A few things I’d like to do and hope to do someday. With the right person.
Hindsight can also be quite a bitch.
In one glance…
This song is stuck in my head…I think I’m in fantasy land again:
pehli nazar mein kaisa jaadu kar diya
what magic did that first gaze do to me
tera ban baitha hai mera jiyaa
the magic that made this heart, yours forever
jaane kya hoga, kya hoga kya pataa
whatever’s gonna happen now, doesn’t matter to me
iss pal ko mil ke aa jee lein zaraa
let’s celebrate this moment of love, together
main hun yahaan, tu hai yahaan
here i am now, and here you are
meri baahon mein aa, aa bhi jaa
come into my arms, oh c’mon
o jaanejaa, dono jahaan, meri baahon mein aa, bhool ja
oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms
o jaanejaa, dono jahaan, meri baahon mein aa, bhool ja
oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms
baby i love you
baby i love you
baby i love you
baby i love you, so…
baby i love you
oh, i love you
i love you
i love you so…
baby i love you
har dua mein shaamil tera pyaar hai
you are in each and every prayer of mine
bin tere lamha bhi dushwaar hai
without you, each moment has no shine
dhadkanon ko tujhse hi tarkaar hai
with you these heartbeats are on cloud nine
chhaya suroor hai
there’s only love over here
kuch to zaroor hai
definitely something in here
tu jo mili, ik din mujhe
since I met you, one fine day
main kahin ho gaya laapataa
ever since i was lost in your love
o jaanejaa, dono jahaan, meri baahon mein aa, bhool ja
oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms
o jaanejaa, dono jahaan, meri baahon mein aa, bhool ja
oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms
kar diya deewana, dard-e-faasle
each moment apart from you, drove me insane
chaen chheena ishq ke ehsaas ne
this feeling of love, brings some pain
bekhayali di hai teri pyaas ne
my thirst for you, makes my thoughts go plain
chhaya suroor hai
there’s only love over here
kuch to zaroor hai
definitely something in here
o jaanejaa, dono jahaan, meri baahon mein aa, bhool ja
oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms
o jaanejaa, dono jahaan, meri baahon mein aa, bhool ja
oh my dear love, forget this world, by coming into my arms
baby i love you
baby i love you
baby i love you
baby i love you, so…
Too bad the song is an outright copy of a korean song. *sigh*
Cravings…
I’m going out of my mind trying to figure it out. I need to digitize my VHS tape. And the people at MoE messed it up big time. I know my tape works. It plays fine on my player at home. Yet digitizing it looks like crap.
It finally motivated me to format my laptop so that I can try doing it at home. And maybe spring clean. I just feel so foggy and lethargic. Like I said earlier, even though my body is tired, my brain refuses to switch off.
Caught up on my fave shows online though. MJ showed me how. I no tellie…wouldn’t want the people in power to block it. I don’t understand why the networks that air these shows put an online copy only for people logging on from the USA. That’s so unfair. I mean, if its free for them, why do we have to pay or risk our necks downloading them to watch it? And what if I was a US citizen sitting at a resort in Dubai wanting my fix of Grey’s Anatomy or Heroes? hmph….
I sometimes wonder if I’m really growing or maturing and making better choices. I think I am. Yet, I sometimes get the feeling that maybe my friends or my family don’t take me seriously and just wait for me to mess up so that they can gloat.
My libido is dead. Probably the meds. I had no inclination to call P, or make use of opportunities presented to me. I feel confused and fuzzy. More like neutral and grey. And I’m not used to limbo. In fact, limbo is much like a vacuum. I hate a vacuum. If I were to describe my hell, it would be trapped by myself in a vacuum, with not a sound. Hence the uneasiness with being too calm.
And yea, the anti-depressant kicked in. I’m high and not hungry most of the time. Except my brain craves for food, even though my stomach turns green at the thought of eating. I want weird combos. Like mac n cheese with a nice juicy rib-eye steak smothered with a rich mushroom sauce and mashed potatoes. And good fried chicken with the proper biscuits and mash. Preferably boneless. Or succulent kababs and kibbeh, with falafel and tahina and Faris sweets’ kunafa. Or cheese fondue with crispy garlic bread.
I spend my lunch break searching food on wikipedia, and filling my stomach with the sights and imagined tastes and smells of the food. It’s enough to make me salivate and puke at the same time. But I just don’t feel hungry to eat and even if I do, I don’t want to eat anything except what I desperately crave.
My current craving is for some really good mac n cheese. The best that I’ve had so far was at Hard Rock Cafe for my birthday last year. I’m just dying to go once more before it closes, but don’t have anyone to go with. My sis was supposed to take me, but it was either she show me her top-secret steak recipe, or mac n cheese.
I think I’m going nutz. I tried recreating it, but I’m missing something. I mean, my version is pretty good, but not quite the same.
Random…
Crazy week is almost over. So I can take a sigh of relief. But only for a moment.
But I’m on some crazy hormones that make me nauseous and a lil moody. And lack of sleep. I need sleep. Yet I can’t really sleep because even though my body is tired, my brain refuses to switch off. And if it does, its usually at a bad time.
Ah well. I was hoping blogging would help me develop my own style and perhaps keep me sharp on my writing skills, so that I can get better writing at work. I’m not sure if that’s the case though. My blog also chronicles thoughts and events happening in my life, kinda like a pensieve.
I’m not making sense and my head is all jumbled and random.
I wanted steak. I had steak. And now I feel stuffed.
Last Straw…
I woke up nice and early today. Well, not waking up screaming and hopping into my jeans while simultaneously brushing my teeth and cursing that I’m late is ‘early’ for me.
I had a breakdown yesterday in a public place and I feel horrid. I reached my last straw and just couldn’t take it anymore.
Let me back up a little. This week is madness and I had/have extremely long hours, from early morning till late night, at least 14+ hours or more. In addition, I juggle my doctor appointments, take meds that make me feel like shit, and yes, bills.
And my mum doesn’t get this. She just assumes I’m having fun and partying till late night, or at least it looks that way. Because rather than catch a cab to go to the hospital thats just 5min away for a tiny problem, she’d rather I come home exhausted and take her. Or the next morning – forget the fact that my boss will think its ok if I come in 2 hours late at a shoot. And, after I got mad and told her off, I felt guilty. And that brought on a massive migraine.
I also didn’t eat the whole day ‘cos I barely got time and finally grabbed a bite near my doctor’s place. It’s about 8-9ish and I’m ready to collapse when mum calls, asking me to get food from this particular place that’s always crowded with long queues. I just snapped and I couldn’t take it anymore. All I wanted to do is sleep and instead I had to either get a migraine feeling guilty for saying no, or pass out at the shawarma shop so that I don’t get a guilt-induced migraine.
I know that maybe I might be silly, or a bad daughter or whatever, but I’m at my last nerve with mom. She can be so clueless at times and that pisses me off.
Anyhow, the doc put me on some meds to monitor my hormones, and an anti-depressant to counteract the side effects, so fingers crossed.
Overwhelmed and Frustrated…
I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed. I’m in financial hell. I chose not get a credit card to not get into debt, but I’m also so very short of cash when I need it. My current medical bills have gone through the roof. And my doctor unfortunately isn’t under my insurance, although he will fill in the reimbursement form.
But I still need to cough up the dough, which I have very little if the tests keep going. My Canadian nest-egg is almost gone in a span of two weeks. And my last vacation before school is costing a penny, which I can’t refund cos my tickets are non-refundable (that’s how I got them cheaper). So I might as well go. But at what cost? I won’t be able to spend much. I feel like shit.
I’m too proud to admit to my family and friends that I’m screwed over financially thanks to my ovaries. I’m cursing the day I was born a woman with faulty organs. And the worse part was having to tell my mom ‘no’ when she asked me to bring home some food and groceries because I’m broke and am living on mostly water and chewing gum when I’m not home. Well, not literally, I gorge at home and I live on the cookies I have in my desk at work. But my socializing is going down to a zero. And every time I meet someone out, I feel the pinch. Yet, I smile and pay by my debit card, knowing I’m going to regret it later.
I’ve spent years as a penniless student missing out on stuff or feeling like shit cos I couldn’t even afford KFC and was too proud to admit that to mom or my friends. It even reached the point I stopped seeing my sister cos her hubby said that she kept paying when we went out and it was costing them too much. And now that I’m working, I felt great I could enjoy and live a little, and still make it possible to save. And now my medical bills. DAMMIT!!!!!!
I’m just so frustrated…..its times like this I wish I had a sugar daddy. But I guess my own pride and sense of not wanting to owe anyone would probably not let him pay. Unless he was a jerk. Then I’d just use him. I hate my conscience at times.
I know I have friends who owe me, but I’m just too damn proud to tell them I need the money back…damn me. And theyre not even in a position to return the money, so asking for it knowing they can’t cough up will make me feel even more worse. Plus, I’m not even on talking terms with some…damn me.
Count to ten…Now Breathe…
I’m breathing deep and counting to ten…nine..eight…seven…*deep breath*
I’m laughing even though I’m fuming inside. Apparently, according to my so called-best bud, I remind her of Britney Spears in recent tabloids….the chunky, crazed-looking, washed-up old hag. Thanks.
