Looking Back…
I suppose after all has been said and done, I do feel a little bit paranoid and neurotic. I still glance over my shoulder and watch my back. I wake up in the middle of the night, not able to breathe, having vivid nightmares of them chasing and hounding me until they have me to the ground. They want me to lose my mom, have her lose all faith and support in me. Why? Because I told them what I thought of them and now out of petty maliciousness, they want me down and ruined.
Their words hurt and some still are in my head. They are hypocritical and angry and petty, yet they point a finger at me saying that I’m like that. And that everything that’s going wrong in their world is my fault. Their marriage is falling apart. All thanks to me. Because I said to stand up for themselves.
I honestly don’t want to talk or go on about this. I want to forget and move on. Yet I’m still scared and still feel like they’re behind me, ready to strike any moment.
My sleep is fucked up. I need to fix that.
And I’m craving for a big, juicy burger with mushrooms and gooey cheese. No icky mayo. Just juicy, burger juices, lovely, caramelized mushrooms and gooey, melted cheese. Like a mix of Cheddar, Swiss and Mozzarella. mmmmmmmmmm. My mouth is watering thinking about it. I need my comfort food. And instead of chips, a nice goop of creamy, mushy mashed potatoes with freshly oven-roasted cloves of garlic mashed into it. *sigh*
…And We’re Back
If anyone has noticed, my blog was offline for a while. For a very good reason. Things have been getting very ugly at home, and my blog was part of the problem. It got very nasty and very ugly fast. Alot of drama, and alot of emotional pain. So bad that I had to take time off from work due to emotional distress. And that’s saying something considering that I managed to attend classes and give exams even through the worst of times.
I went offline because it was being used against me and my family twisted every single word of mine to condemn me. They never stopped to consider why I say certain things and why I feel certain things. It’s just saddening that your own blood can turn against you like that.
Well, I’m back up online, with a change of address. And I’m going to be a lot more careful. I feel alone. I’ve lost my own sister in the process. It’s hurt me and I feel devastated. But I’m trying to move on and just forget. I only have my mom with me, and a few select friends. That’s all that matters to me. And my work and education.
It’s been an emotional week. I’m glad the weekend is near.
It Starts In My Toes…
I’ve been looking for this song ever since I heard it in Dallas. And finally found it after much googling:
V1: I’ve been awake for a while now
you’ve got me feelin like a child now
cause every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tinglies in a silly place
C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go
V2: The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under the covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelins that i adore
C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go
B: What am i gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just……..mmmmmmmmmmm
C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go
V3: I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
Im comfortable enough to feel your warmth
C: It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time
Holdin me tight
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go…
It’s such an uplifting song and one of those songs that makes me have faith again, even if I don’t have any particular object of affection.
At Work Again…
Here at work even though I’d rather be curled up in my comforter and sleeping. But keeping myself busy and up and about will help me move on and not think about everything that’s happened. I want to close that chapter of drama and move on.
Even though I avoid fizz like the plague, I found Barbican soothing to the stomach. I tend to take one now with food. It fills me up too. I don’t feel so hungry and eat less. Well, I think my poor appetite has other reasons but let’s not go there.
Went to MoE with friends yesterday even though I didn’t want to. Pissed off at Zahid though. Bugger showed up hours late and I was quite exhausted and high on shisha by the the time the whole kit and caboodle showed up. And got super cranky later. Left early and went home to crash.
Finally told mom whats going on. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. I’m sick of secrets and hiding and trying to cover up for others while I get my ass kicked.
Meeting time. Laters.
Net Withdrawal…
Weekend is here. And I’m without computer. So making use of the free wi-fi in malls and cafes. Chilling out at Momo’s and puffing the apricot dragon.
This week, actually past two weeks have been difficult and emotionally draining. I do not want to relive them, hence I’m not going to talk about it here.
Zahid, Yawar and P have been helping in keeping my sanity and getting me through all this.
I never realized I am so addicted to the net that a few days without it can make me so edgy and nervous. I slept through most of it. But when awake, I felt fidgety and useless without access. I not only use it for social purposes, but for many many more. I’m a tech geek and have severe withdrawal symptoms. Not the nature person I suppose.
Waiting for the buggers to show up. Bored.
I’ve been grieving the past few days over a great loss, but I’m trying to forget and move on. It’s hard, but I’ll pull through.
Random Stuff (again)
Back at work. It’s more like a vacation here as there’s nothing to do. I overslept and woke up at 12. Drove half-asleep to work. Still sleepy. P is right in calling me “Kumbh-Karan”. I could doze off right here at work.
Been texting back and forth with Al. Funny messages. And no, I’m not sharing. Some of them are just down right weird.
Nickelodeon Arabia has launched. Mabrook. Wonder when we’re launching. Soon Inshallah.
Been emailing this cute guy and there seems to be chemistry. Let’s see what happens when we meet up. *fingers crossed* I could do with some excitement in life.
Another one hour to kill…..
Any idea where I can find cornmeal or polenta in Dubai?
I’m in ABBA mode. Have too many of their songs in my head. I think its time I go see Mamma Mia!
I also have “I Kissed A Girl” in my head. No, I don’t swing that way, although I might be the tiniest bit curious. Nah, not enough to actually go kiss one. I like my men. And I like em tall, lean and hunky. Deep, husky voice with sexy accent a bonus.
I’m looking for a corset belt to match my gorgeous peasant dress I found in Dallas. Shows off my assets quite nicely. Someone on the trip noticed apparently :p
I think I’m developing a little crush. Not telling who. An innocent lil thing.
I’m bored and I still have 45mins to kill.
Maybe I’ll leave regardless.
A Little Bit Of Magic…
Bored. Bored. Bored. Very bored. Did I mention I was bored?
P is finally settling into his job. Hardly speak to him due to him transiting from unemployed idleness to employed exhaustion. Give him a week or two to adjust. Anyway, distance is good in general. I know I am running out of people to talk to and must learn self-dependency. I an getting into aromatherapy and it’s really interesting. It’s like combining chemistry, cooking and the mystical element. It’s almost magical – how smells and herbs and plants can affect moods, clear ailments, and purify and beautify.
Perhaps the scientist in me is waking up – as well as the part that believes in magic and wishes that I were magical. Perhaps this is another method to tap into my inner resources, like the cards do. I’m not interested in divination, just in ways of tapping into my subconscious and finding ways to maximize my inner talents and abilities. And I find Tarot cards and aromatherapy as a way of reaching into myself.
I keep reassuring myself when I feel low that everything will be fine. I chant it over and over again. After a while, I do feel better. At the very least, I don’t feel bleak. I try to think of all the good things I have been blessed with. And that I could be worse off. Somehow, other people saying it didn’t help much. But saying it to myself made me feel alot more grateful for what I do have in hand. Even though I wish it were better.
I also keep reassuring myself that I will find someone I can love and trust. And it won’t be like I see with my family. It will be great. There will be respect, understanding, compassion and love. I don’t know how and why and when we will meet, but it will happen one day. Perhaps I shouldn’t even care anymore about the how and when, or even why. Because it will happen. But I won’t be sitting and waiting. I’ll be living life and it will happen while I’m out enjoying myself.
I feel hope welling up inside me. And I will keep nurturing it. Because it is the only thing that will combat and contain all the bleakness and darkness inside me. Because I’ve let that monster loose for too long and it’s slowly eating me away. Time to put it back in the box.
4am Ramblings…
I’m awake. Can’t sleep. Feeling a little – contradictory.
I don’t care anymore. Perhaps its a good thing everything is in the open. Sick of being nice, patient, accommodating and always being the sweet one, whilst keeping most feelings in check and simmering inside. This blog was my vent.
Still is. It’s a relief in a way to have this when no-one is around. Or when all is forsaken and everyone misunderstands me. I feel pressured most of the time. Like everything is on my shoulders. If I don’t do this, all hell will break lose and I will fail and die a miserable death.
Even as a child, I was the smarter one. The one more likely to do great things – be the breadwinner. If I even so much as missed 1 mark, I’d be quizzed on why I lost that one point. Losing a rank or scholarship was the end of the world for me. The first time I lost my top rank in grade 6, I had thoughts of running away or killing myself because I couldn’t face my parents about my failure. How could I not be in the top three? What had I done so bad to be fifth? I felt like the world had ended.
I felt the same way when I lost my scholarship for a semester due to bad grades in design. How would I be able to afford to study? What jobs could I get as a drop-out? How could I face mom after this? And dad? He’d be gloating about how I should have listened to him and been a dentist. I couldn’t live with myself. I got depressed, and then worked numerous jobs that paid peanuts to at least feel like I’m worth something.
But then I found some footing and managed to gain some sense and a measure of competency. I got a good job, got promoted within six months of joining, gaining invaluable experience. And now I feel the weight of this burden again. I have to earn enough to complete my goals and take care of mom. Suddenly, the money I once thought plentiful vanishes into peanuts. How do I save for Canada? How do I pay for my Master’s? How do I be the dutiful daughter?
Instead I feel like if I don’t get my degree soon enough, or if I don’t migrate fast enough, I will be doomed to being a housemaid in some obscure place in Bangladesh. And when I take my time to do it right, I’m accused of not being serious or ambitious enough. I can’t win either way. So now, I don’t care anymore.
I’m sick of hearing how fast Dubai is disintegrating and how everything is going topsy-turvy. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. I don’t care. I know Dubai isn’t the same, and more useless and stupid rules are coming out before you can say ’shawarma’. Things are getting more expensive. Taxes are now appearing, more so for expats. Perhaps things are going to the dogs. But it’s my home. And I will survive in it if needed. But I cannot do things at someone else’s hurried speed just because they say so. I will do it when the time is right. Because I have confidence in myself to know I will be ok, whether it be Dubai or Canada…or wherever.
I’m sick of feeling like everything depends on me.
Hamy is ribbing me about Al. *groan*
Love you guys…
I realized one good thing. All the insecurities I felt in the past about my best friends, whether we’re still good as we were when we were kids, if I was really wanted there or not – this trip answered it.
And it felt good. I know now that those thoughts were in my head, fueled by distance and issues and the way things were going in Dubai. Cammy loves me just as much as I love her, and things are good, if not better.
15 years. And going strong. Love you girl. And love Trav too. Like you’re my sis, he’s a bro to me. Love you both *mwah*
And I got to understand Hamy a little more too. I know we have a strange relationship, and things aren’t going to always be smooth, but I love her too. And understand her situation a little more.
Date…
Slept through most of the day. Was feeling quite poorly, perhaps a result of delayed jetlag. I wish I were still in Dallas vacationing. Miss my friends. Miss the good times. I think I have post-vacation blues. boohoo.
Yesterday’s date was very awkward. Went to a nice place in MoE – rather posh place near Ski Dubai on the ground floor that looked like it was run by the Jumeirah Group. It was awkward because after spending a lot of phone time getting to know each other, it kinda went downhill after we met. We had nothing to talk about except for food. Awkward silences, me attempting to make conversation by talking about erm, the food on our plate. Let’s just say it seemed like his mind was preoccupied and he seemed very indecisive and confused about most things. I didn’t interrogate him or anything, asked general questions and tried to keep convo flowing. But it felt like he had no opinions or stands on anything! It was infuriating after a while and I just focused on my food.
And called P for rescue. He had my car anyway – his car broke down and he needed it for a day. My date wasn’t willing to drop me so far to my home. Ah well, lesson learned. And I suppose an interesting experience. And free dinner 
My school orientation is on August 30th. The days are coming closer. Back to school. Excited, yet not keen on getting into the crazy workload again. But I need my Master’s – one more step to Canada. Speaking of which, must file my papers once I begin. And learn French. And Arabic. Although learning French is easier than learning Arabic as I have some idea of Latin roots (SAT’s).
