Aunty Flo Has Arrived…
I will unfortunately not be fasting on the first day of Ramadan. Or the next few. The reason for my cramps, upset tummy and various other aches and pains has finally reared its ugly red head this evening. Oh poo. Ah well, at least it has come, even if it’s been a bit slow and polka-dotty. Ok, enough with the euphemisms. And girly talk.
Today I really wished that I could see my lil munchkin. I miss him so dearly. Him and his cheeky toothy grin, him growing into all arms and legs (mashallah very tall for his age) and him going ‘abubububub abooboo’ all over. And him bopping his head against mine and grabbing my hair as a big friendly hello. I started crying when I saw his video on youtube. I dare not link it here in case my sister comes across it again.
And a part of me missed Jaggu too. Enough to want to see him again. And perhaps be with him. But that was just a fleeting moment. And then the softness and tenderness of the moment got replaced with grief and anger at what he did. Never again.
Anyway, with the month of reflection and time to meditate, I must try to leave all these aside and focus on trying to let go and be a better person. I’ll try – but who knows. I’m already off to a bad start by not being able to pray, say Tarawi, read the Quran or fast. Oh bugger.
Ramadan Kareem
Back at work. Last day before Ramadan begins.
Like always, I keep hoping that this Ramadan will enable me to start fresh. Be a better Muslim and a better person. A chance to try saying my prayers regularly, reflect on what I’ve done and try to do things better.
But then 5 or 10 days down the line, I don’t pray as much, if I even pray by then. My goal of trying to finish the entire Quran (albeit in English) get stuck to the same first chapter. I end up getting depressed during the whole of Ramadan because I get dumped or have a rough patch in my relationship. Ramadan, till date, has not been very lucky or a happy time for me. I do own responsibility for my own misfortune as most of it was caused by me. But give me allowances for having misgiving about the month due to past experience.
Things look a bit better though, I did lose alot of weight last Ramadan as I kept a sensible diet and stuck to it. I’m single this Ramadan around. I have a decent support system. My granny is in town for Ramadan and Eid. I begin my Master’s.
Here’s hoping to a a new and fresh beginning and wishing everyone Ramadan Kareem 
Too Late…
Ever realized you love something or someone and it was too late? Or not right?
That’s how I feel. It’s too late. I realized it too late. Before I could get myself out. I suppose I can still leave, but not without causing a wreckage and ruin. And leaving him bewildered as to why I have to leave.
It struck me this weekend just how much I truly love him. And how much I can’t have him. Not because he is unavailable – but because I know the relationship cannot progress any further without disintegrating. The lines have been drawn a long time ago on how far things can go. And it’s no longer a line – it’s a huge brick wall with concrete fortification.
Someone once said brick walls are there for a reason – to show how badly you want something. I do want him alot. But not at the expense at compromising everything. And being left with nothing. He’s given me alot of stability and support over the past two years – shown me how a relationship should be: with respect, trust, compassion and understanding. And more than just physical intimacy. An intimacy of minds and emotion. He’s not just been there for me as a friend – also as an elder male figure that I never had.
What do I do now that I know that I feel this way? Nothing really. Except to try to move on as soon as possible. And see him happy. And be the same way its always been – just friends.
And to him, I dedicate this
10 Ways to Marry The Wrong Person…
I got a forward this morning by a friend. I thought it made so much sense, that it deserves a post:
Though it refers to Judaism, it’s applicable to all…even if you’re happily married, it’s a great check-in…
TEN WAYS TO MARRY THE WRONG PERSON
By Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people to change after their married…for the worst!” So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning.Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character?
Here are four characteristics to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved. -to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent is Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and off.” Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
a) Chemistry and compatibility
b) share common interests
c) share common life goal.
Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate.
A soul mate is a goal mate….two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to “test drive” in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don’t have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable?”
“Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person?
Does this person make me feel good myself?
Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way?
You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You’ll not be their number one priority. And that’s not basis for a marriage.
Ability is what you’re capable of doing……. Motivation determines what you do…… Attitude determines how well you do it!
Noodled…
Well. I had my date. It was rather pleasant. Not earth-shattering. But nice.
We met at Mercato. Dropped my car off and headed to Madinat Jumeirah. Apparently, everything was packed, including the walk-in no reservations Noodle House. But there was a waiting list. So we listed ourselves and headed for coffee while waiting it out. Talked a while of ambitions, future plans, budgeting and stuff. Then got a call after about half hour and were promptly seated.
He seemed rather generous and the meal was ordered just right. Conversation was amusing. He’s not exactly drop dead gorgeous, but he’s not bad to look at. He felt really bad that we couldn’t go for the movie as something urgent came up. Even sent a text after dropping me home, apologizing for cutting our date short.
His Scottish accent was to die for. And his ambition and drive and erm…being a few things other guys haven’t been in terms of future prospects is a turn on. Mature, polite, charming, generous – am I becoming materialistic? There was no sexual tension going on from his side – perhaps with the change of jobs and stress he’s been facing. He was a perfect gentlemen – no pawing whatsoever. Makes me wonder if I did something wrong. Or if he really is just stressed. I generally get results – most men at the very least kiss me goodnight.
Or maybe I’m just frustrated and need a lei. :p
Tummy MIA…
Have you ever gotten so excited about something that by the time the day arrives, you don’t feel as keen as before?
Tomorrow is the big date..or so. Current agenda is meeting up at Mercato after work, getting the movie tix, followed by dinner at Madinat and then back to Mercato for the movie. Dress? check. Shaved arms, legs and underarms? check. Shoes? err, I’ll figure out some – check. Stomach? MIA.
My tummy has been causing me some problems. Coupled with lower abdomen cramps and grogginess. And lethargy. Took a test to rule certain things out rather than get a nasty shock from the doc. Well, came out negative, as I knew it would.
I think I’ll head to bed now.
Mom?
Still cramping and feeling crap. But dragged my sorry ass to work anyway.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s date. The guy does seem really nice and polite and very gentlemanly. And we can talk for hours on the phone. Only glitch is he seems very set in his ways – not a very good debater. But for now, that’s not exactly a red signal.
Yesterday’s chat with Jaggu left me very confused. Not in an emotional wreck way, but just a curious ‘why now?’ way. I’ve been advised to pull the plug and block him, but I haven’t pulled the plug yet. I should though.
I do think about what could have been though. What it felt like killing the last link to him. It was an awful time that I don’t care to relive again. P advised me to get rid of it and move on, while I was actually debating how I would raise it and work. I suppose it’s all good in the end – but can I really live with myself? Of what could have been?
I’m sure many people would call me a murderer, and I suppose I feel that way too. But it wasn’t a very easy decision. What would I have done? I would have been a bigger wreck then than I am now. And if I’m no use to anyone, how can I ever help someone so dependent?
I don’t think I can ever be a fit mother. And even more after what I did. I don’t want children. Its just too much to take. I am a horrible person and a coward. And a murderer.
Blast From The Past…
Oh. my. fucking. gawd. You will not believe who messaged me on MSN after aeons. Jaggu. The very person who has given me enough grief over the past two years since I last ever saw him.
He was initially being all small talk – how I’m doing and all. But then I cut to the chase – why was he contacting me after so long? What did he want from me? Didn’t he ‘hate my guts’ and never wanted to see me again? He said he never hated me – just how I manipulated him. Manipulation my ass. I never tried to, or wanted to.
And then he asked about our baby. I said I aborted it – I saw reason and decide it wasn’t worth bringing another person in this world with all that drama and grief. He said good decision and went offline. He probably thought I was lying about the whole thing. Then and even now. I supposed he’d really believe if I actually had the damn thing. meh.
I’m confused and curious. But atleast I’m surprised I haven’t broken down or become an emotional wreck. That’s a good sign isn’t it?
Meet the Minions…
Saw munchkin today before heading to work. He looked so sweet and adorable that my heart hurt seeing him. He looks alot like my sister when she was a baby – with some features of bro-in-law. I miss him so dearly. I dropped off his birthday present and my sister’s too.
It took me a long time to decide to do that. I just didn’t feel strong enough to go. It doesn’t matter what I say – I’m sure that it will be misunderstood and taken out of context. *sigh*
I’m looking forward to Thursday’s date. At the very least, it should be a nice night out. At the very most – who knows? I don’t have expectations anymore for guys – it’s simply easier going with the flow and seeing what happens.
Today is going to be fun. I get to meet the interns and brief them on the new features (read torturing my new minions bwahahahaha!).
Sleeper…
I finally deleted ribbon boy and blocked all forms of contact. After a long chat with P, he made me realize that I shouldn’t put up with someone who has no respect for me. I suppose I did stretch it out because I felt I could touch an old part of me I thought was lost. But lost things, especially those, are gone forever.
Anyway, there’s a new dude who seems really nice and wants to take me out for movie and dinner this weekend. Nice chap. Talked online and on the phone for hours. Let’s see how that goes.
Granma is here now and I managed to sleep through lunch and dinner. I came home early as I was cramping really bad and conked off. And just woke up. Slept through lunch and dinner. *sigh* Not sure if I should eat something now and go back to sleep.
Going to go rain the fridge for easy to digest stuff.
