Mars World

*WARNING: VERY LONG POST BELOW

This is a very difficult post to write, but I feel it should be written anyway. Perhaps it might give me a little perspective. It might be a little long, so probably finish all the toilet breaks before sitting down for this.

What was the family drama? It all started from a small incident that just snowballed into a catastrophic event. I was going to leave for my surprise trip to USA in July. Not many people knew because I had been invited to visit my family and I declined most of them politely by saying I didn’t get time off. And I didn’t want my dad to know because he’d think I was wasting my time and money on seeing my best friend instead of visiting ‘family’. So I was ready to go. I had asked my sister to drop me to the airport. Everything was set.

The night before, P was supposed to meet me to give me something. It didn’t happen because something came up. So he offered to drop me to the airport instead – I’d get a ride and he’d be able to give me the thing. In my head, it seemed perfectly ok – it was a working day and my sister would have had to go earlier to drop me and reach work. So I gave her call to let her know that.

Wrong. My sister went ballistic on me. I just began with the “You know, if its too much trouble going early, you don’t have to drop me. I can find other ways.” I did not even mention P. Or anyone else dropping me. And she just went all “Oh, so now that you want to go with your boyfriend you don’t need me. You always dump me for your guys and lala” – you get the picture. I got angry. Because P is not my boyfriend and the tone she implied him with made me feel all dirty and nasty and I bristled. Finally I got sick of her cribbing and said that if she was going to make a big deal out of it, then its better I not go with her or anyone and just take a cab. I kept the phone down and was shaking so horribly, ready to burst into tears and anger. P called and I just told him to forget it and I was just so mad and upset. And I did end up taking a cab to the airport instead.

And I blogged about it. I didn’t go into much except saying: And I’m not going to let yesterday’s fight affect my mood. I had a huge row with my sister and I’m still kinda pissed. I don’t understand why she had to over-react. She just takes out her frustrations at home with him out on me. And I’m really sick of being her punching bag.

That just made her madder. And she sent me the following mail: (the ones in bold are the ones that hit me hard, while red is my personal comments)
Firstly before you come and say that im frustrated with MY life at home… look at your own life…. look through ur own posts and then decide who is more frustrated. You can only defame on ur blog…. i have been there for u supporting u through college. Picking and dropping whenever u wanted. Fought with my husband so that i could give u some time and never made u feel alone… Given u money for food, when i had none… else ate wit u at college so that im sure ur not hungry… gave u a graduation gift which even ur own mother couldnt think of… why? becoz i loved u and wanted u to be happy…all that is forgtten here…[granted you did all that, but you never let me forget it - you keep reminding me everytime that you did this and this for you and that you own my ass] u give more importance to a mother who cares more abt a bastard of a man than her own grandchild. [because she is my mother and ultimately has been there more than you have - and been there for you too, except you seem to have forgotten that compared to a father who treated you far worse]WHO is more frustrated???

You told me two weeks prior that u wanted me to drop u to the airport… and then the previous night someone more important that me comes along and u want to dump me out of the picture so u call me and tell me that its “OK that i dont have to drop u…” What the bloody hell is that?!…[I didn't think driving me to the airport was such a big deal] u think im a re-incarnation of dad…[of course, you even look like him] go ahead… the fact that u can defame me on an obsure web blog is disgusting and even low for a person like u…. dont think i havent read the rest….

You want ur own life… first learnt to keep ur promises and be an adult….[where have I broken my promise - i didn't know asking a favor was a promise] i have a child and a family…but i still want to see u sometimes…. u come home to see u nephew whenever u feel convienient….[because i'm working 16-18hour days and weekends too] do i say anything? NO!!!… in ur blogs u say that i dont get to spend time with u anymore becoz i have no time…. YES I HAVE NO TIME…. IM A MOTHER…[who's being told continuously by her 'caring' husband that she is a horrid mother if she steps out of the house with me]. but not a mother like my own!!!… i love my children more… and dont chase after bastards who never deserved a chance in life…..

I never knew u could turn against me like this…. i never expected anything from u except love…. i fought for u with dad… i lied to him… i did all this becooz i loved u…. looks like u failing relationships with the rest of the worlds bastards are more important than my feelings for u….[which is why you had to go and tell him I was going to usa to spite me - so much for loving me]

You think abt ur ex…. and flirt with P [that hurts - i know she means 'what a whore']…. what do i care…. but dont u DARE come and tell me that i never gave u importance and used u as a punching bag…[but i just did].

I have kept silent all this time…. i knew abt this blog for almost 6 months…. i wanted u to come and tell me… it hurt me… whenever i met u… i felt this couldnt be the person to write all this…but u didnt…. u just found it better to lie to me… go ahead… Mariam… lie to me, to urself…. u wont get very far in life… There is someone Higher watching and kknowing the truth…

I did all the things u are doing now and more when i was ur age…. make all the mistakes u want…. but i would have never made the mistake of keeping u on the back burner…. like how u have with me…

Life is too short to hate Mariam… like u said… u hate the two so-called fathers in ur life…. and now u have put me on that list as well…. who is using who as a punching bag… what abt u writing all this stuff abt me?….[what about listening to what i say and not be a doormat?]

please dont bother urself to call me… u want to come home and see ur nephew go ahead… but dont expect me to be around … and yeah … thanks for the early birthday present….[what birthday present? and yea, you basically said the same thing to ma]

take care and have a nice life….

Following that, I got a mail from my brother-in-law telling me how dare I upset my sister like this and that if I ever ‘defame’ her again, he will make sure he shuts my blog down.

Well that being said, she told my dad I was in USA and gave him my blog link. I got a mail from him later saying pretty much something similar as above. I deleted all his mails, so I can’t quote directly. He also started calling my friends’ cellphone while I was in the USA and I tried hard to ignore and just let all the excitement die down and just enjoy my short vacation. I just gritted my teeth and ignored. And stopped blogging about my family and just talked about my adventures and just mentioned I was upset.

Things just didn’t end there. My father mailed my sister, myself AND my mother. That’s right, my mother. The person I tried to keep out of this whole mess because at the time I felt it was just a tiny lil mistake overblown and things would go down. Oh no he didn’t. He hit below the belt – my dad is amazing at knowing to hit where it hurts most. He said things like my sister has been upset and that I’m being immature and that what I said was the ‘truth’ was not. Took quotes from my blog and interpreted them out of context. And then gave a link of my blog to my mom. My blog, which has every sordid detail that I’m trying to keep from my mother. Not because I’m scared of her finding out, but because it is personal and I don’t want her to worry about me. She has enough on her plate.

Immediately, I went and blocked my blog. And changed my domain. I wouldn’t give up blogging, but I’m not stupid to let them use it against me. I managed to do damage control and my mom was surprisingly very understanding and took my side in this whole situation. And that was the last straw. I wasn’t going to keep silent and ignore it anymore.

I sent a final mail telling them to back off:
This has gone too far and thinking my silence would be answer enough, I am going to answer both of you one last time. Back off and leave me alone. And don’t bring mom into this and stop contacting her thinking you can affect me.

Even if I have hurt both of you in the past few weeks, it has not hurt as much as you both have hurt me. Whatever I have said in the blog is what I feel and I believe as the truth. I have tried many times to say what I feel in your face, but you never listened nor cared.

Let me start with Dad. I thought everything was getting better after I saw you in Jan, but when you kept calling me and harassing me about my Canadian papers, I got fed up. I lied. Either way, it wouldn’t have ended. My mistake. Don’t think that by delaying my application, I am not serious or ambitious. I do want to go Canada very badly. But I am taking my time to make sure my chances are better and I get the needed paperwork in hand. Till then, my focus is on completing my education, my career, and mom. But I guess no matter what I do, it’s never good enough unless its done your way. I’m tired of trying to make you proud of me. I don’t care anymore.

As for my sister, I always wanted the best for you. Please understand, I have nothing against my brother-in-law personally. But I hate the way he treats you. But what I hate more is you never stand up to him. And in the end, you take out whatever frustrations building up inside on me. I tried being the supporting sister. But I can’t take the verbal abuse anymore. I am not like you to stay quiet and take it in. I’m sorry if the blog offended you, but I wrote whatever I felt and saw. You may not want to admit the truth, and I feel sorry for you. But what I did not like is you getting my brother-in-law to threaten me and rat me out to Dad. Thanks. Now I will never trust you again. The one person you could count on no matter how big a fight, you have now lost me for good. Even if I ever talk to you again, I will not forget the betrayal and I cannot trust you with anything private. You get pissed and you get my brother-in-law on my case and tell Dad. He can control you, but he has no right to get into my affairs.

I do not want to talk to either of you and this is the last time I’m ever writing to both of you. I have a lot to deal with on my plate and I do not have the time or energy for all this drama. My request is to leave me and mom alone and to continue with your lives. I wish the best for both of you. I am going to delete any mails I receive from either of you and will not answer any of your calls. Please leave me alone.

After that, my dad sent one final mail saying, that I was a coward and that it wasn’t ‘truth’ if I had to go block my own blog as he couldn’t access it anymore.

I was so emotionally distraught during this time that I had to take time off from work because I would burst into tears at a drop of a hat and act like a zombie. I just told them “I lost my dad” and they gave me the needed time off. Thank god they didn’t ask me how.

There I got it off my chest – hopefully for good.

My dad still tries to call my mom from time to time. Probably to piss me off.

PS: Many of you might think that all this is stupid and contrite compared to far more serious things like abuse, rape and all. But this really did hurt me. Alot.