Spirits…
Well, I said I’d do a separate post on spirits. Here it is.
According to Islam, we should believe in the existence of spirits because the Quran mentions it several times. They co-exist with us. And jinn are mentioned several times. They are created with men, and exist on earth with us. They can be good and bad, just as humans can be good and bad.
Now the rest of what I mention may or may not be factually correct. These are beliefs, traditions and customs that have been handed down to me, and may or may not represent Islam. It is opinionated and biased. But it is my limited knowledge. And my experiences, or experiences from people I trust and believe.
From what MM told me, there are many types of spirits, each with their own agenda and purpose. I told him about the rather amorous presence I feel on my bed. He said it was a moakil. A small spirit that just irritates people. And then he said something about it being a pervy spirit and that I should recite certain duas to keep myself safe.
Funny thing was I never felt the presence when my grannie was here. When she stayed with us for two months, I never felt uneasy when passing by my hallway (there’s a presence there too), and I never felt the presence in my bed either. It’s possible the reason why was because my grannie used to recite the Ayatal-Qursi after Maghrib prayers and then clapped three times as loud as she could. It has been said that wherever the claps can be heard, that area is safe from any harm or malicious intent. My grannie did it every day without fail.
It’s also been said that to not play any music near a graveyard. It’s disrespectful. And we should say a special prayer while passing it in order to bless the souls in there. I haven’t completely followed that to a T. I am quite sensitive to presences, so being near a graveyard is like being at a rock concert of souls. The silence is deafening. I try avoiding graveyards when possible, but I live nearby to one, and most routes to my house involve passing quite close to it. So instead of being respectful, I play music to drown the sounds out. And drive as fast as possible. And I get the chills and shiver quite uncontrollably. I don’t feel so bad when someone is in the car with me, but I don’t like being alone those times. And I can’t look into my rear mirror that time. Because I know I’ll see something.
And P’s house is right next to a graveyard. Infact, it overlooks right into it. I generally try to ignore it while being with him, and his presence calms me. Plus his house has been safeguarded and blessed. He is a very spiritual person and good people have the affect of calming me when I feel things. Like MM. I can feel he has a good heart and a pure soul, so even though I freaked out when he told me that he saw a spirit behind me, his presence comforted me. My mom and grannie too. That’s probably why I put up with the spirits at home. Because my mom is there. And probably why I don’t like being home alone at night when my mom is out of town. And why I ask P to stay with me. His presence makes me feel safe.
I never used to be so jumpy around spirits. Infact, when I was younger, I rather welcomed them. I have many goth and supernatural literature. I could watch supernatural films. But I think ever since I’ve been living by myself, I’ve been more aware of things around me and developed a sensitivity. And the sensitivity is what gives me the jitters. I’m like an always switched on antenna for presences. The only time I get to block it out is when I’m distracting myself by being engrossed in music, books or whatever I’m doing to shut the sounds and feelings out.
One thing MM made me realized yesterday is that I should be more attuned to my religion. I have really strayed. I haven’t prayed since Ramadan, and that too just the first day. I drink too often, even though it would still be considered light or moderate by many. I smoke like a chimney now – I do shisha almost every alternate day, and smoke menthols quite often during the day. I’ve lost my connection with Allah, even though I still feel like I haven’t. Perhaps its a thin, fragile thread, the last thing hanging on. My mother wasn’t so religious before, but the past year or more, she’s been praying regularly and is so connected to Allah that her face shines and she always looks so calmed and peaceful, despite the crap in her life. And perhaps that is the reason so much crap is happening in my life – I’m attracting too many negative energies by straying.
I don’t know why I can’t get myself to pray. Perhaps I am angry and disillusioned. Too many negative memories attached to religion. But I do need to change.
Chills….And Precognition
Just got home. It’s about quarter to four in the morning.
Where have I been do you ask?
At work. Partly due to work, mostly due to the cute IT guy. Ok, cute IT guy is kinda long, and plus over the process of knowing him, I’ve given him a nick. Machchi-man (machichi is a slang for machli, or in other words, fish). Why do I call him that? Because he goes fishing regularly with his buddies. And apparently, his drawers have the design of fish bones. So Machchi-man. MM for short.
Ok, so we kinda arranged to do the night shift. Kinda. I really didn’t have any work but showed up anyway at 9. And waited till 1. Was about to leave. And he came. And we talked. Alot. There’s alot more to him than I thought.
He’s religious. Not overtly so, but as about religious as my mom. Which is more spiritual, yet being a regular practicing Muslim. I’m…..gone astray. I think he kinda sees me now as his charity pet project, although I know he means well. And we kinda had a moment. We kissed. And it was good. But it was good talking to him too.
He sees spirits. I don’t see them, but I’ve felt them many times. Especially in my house. And he saw one behind me. It spooked me a little, but I didn’t feel so freaked out with him around. The whole spirits thing is an entire post of its own.
And I remembered something. It hit me. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I have a very weak and vague version of precognition. I dream of things months ago of thing that happen in the future. But they’re silly, inconsequential things that I only remember when the event happens. Like as an example, I’m wearing a blue dress when my black pen drops and I bend to pick it up while saying “Did you call marketing yet?”. Totally random, totally pointless. But I had the exact same dream about three months back, before I even bought the dress. It happens so often that I don’t even freak out anymore when they happen.
Anyway, back to the epiphany I had. I had a dream about MM before I even met him, almost a month ago. And he joined about two weeks back. The freaky part of the dream was we were going to get engaged. But it didn’t happen. I don’t remember anymore why, but the face hit me today while we talked about spirits and everything. Because I had the same dream about us sitting outside office late night and smoking and talking about spirits. A month ago.
Anyway, the evening turned out to be rather erm….interesting, even though the word doesn’t quite cover it. He made me think today. I wonder if I should tell him about my dream. Perhaps not all of it. Because he would freak.
The Date…Part Duex
Today was a rather bittersweet day. Went for a farewell lunch for my best bud who left today. Helped her put her stuff in a cardboard box. And then went for my evening date.
Wait a minute. Date you say? With who? *evil grin*
With cute IT guy. Now how the fuck did that happen? Well, as usual, my internet was acting up. So I got a hold of him. While he was under my desk fixing the wires (I got a rather good view :p) I casually asked what’s up for the weekend and if he heard of ’such and such’ place. He said he didn’t. So I asked whether he’d like to join me in experimenting that place as it was my first time too. He said ok. I was surprised he said yes – most people generally say no and act all busy and then say last minute they’re in. Anyway, swapped numbers. And since he had no license and car and didn’t know the place either, I said he could come in mine and we’d go together. He said ok.
We went to DFS and went to Mashawi for shisha. Talked for quite a while. Walked around a bit. He held my hand and we went back to my car. We sat for a while and talked, all the while running his finger up and down my arm. It was driving me crazy but didn’t want him to stop. Then I drove him home as it was near my place. Poor chap has to go to work on tomorrow. (For those who don’t know, UAE’s weekend is Friday and Saturday, with Friday being the main day off). So he held my hand and kissed it goodnight. His lips on my hand sent shivers down my spine.
Lets see how this goes. I was quite clear in telling him that I’m a little hesitant about getting involved as if things went wrong it would be very awkward since we work together. He wasn’t too fazed and said I think too much and I shouldn’t worry so much. And he hugged me and held me for a while before I almost had a panic attack thinking about the previous guy. He’s a good listener. And he’s warm. I’m scared. Really scared. Scared of repeating history like the previous guy, except it would be even more awkward because atleast the other guy didn’t work in the same branch as me.
To be continued…
Last Day…
The rain dried up. boohoo. Had to go to work. Today is my colleague’s last day. I’m really going to miss her around.
The good news was I got to spend quite a bit of time with the cute IT dude. The printer was acting up and so was my internet connection. I swear the situation would be perfect for cheesy porn fantasies.
Anyhow, found out he’s working tomorrow too. Who works on a frikkin Friday? And I should have probably gotten his number or at the very least asked him out for a friendly cup of tea, but my mind and mouth didn’t seem to work beyond answering his questions and looking pretty. And I smell good today too. I wore Paul Smith’s “Rose”. Frikkin strong stuff that makes you smell rosy all day long.
But everytime we see each other, I smile. And he smiles back at me too. *sigh*
What do I do with him? What do I do with myself?
Rain and Boys…
Ok…two big updates. One is it’s pouring and there’s like thunder and the weather is soooo gorgeous.
Two…if you read my previous post, I mentioned a rather cute new guy at work. And I added him on facebook. And he accepted my request. And sent this message:
“thanks for adding me 
waisay dont feel uncomfortable but ive noticed you look beautifull.. 
kasam saii“
*gush*
Today…
My priority this week is to finish the application packages for York and Concordia and ship them off by Sunday. Providing my work reference letters come in by then. But I finished my admissions essay and have to finish my thesis proposal.
I’m putting alot on these packages. I really hope I get in to at least one of them. I really do. And I’m saving up in Canadian dollars for the first year tuition and cost of living for it.
I hope the current rate stays down though. When I made my deposit last month, the going rate was something like 3.4AED. Now it’s dropped to 2.8AED. Please, please, please let it stay that way till my next deposit. I save an extra 300-400CAD this way.
P promised he’d take me on his treat retreat sometime in December. Yeay. And I’m probably getting tickets for the gala opening for DIFF.
*later in the day*
DIFF timetable and selection sucks. P says that if there’s no free food and booze like the previous galas, he isn’t going. I guess I’ll have to check.
Got my reference letters for York. So all set to go once my thesis proposal is done.
It’s raining. Finally.
Aunty Flo has finally arrived. Haven’t seen her red-headed self since June, despite taking meds. So finally glad she’s showed up. Just hate the nasty stomach cramps she gives.
There’s a rather cute new guy from IT. Caught my fancy (and eye). Been around him a bit because of the great internet service our company has and because our printer came out of the closet and turned gay – every sheet has these rainbow stripes across it. He asked where I’m from. And some non-IT related questions. I suppose this is another eye candy again. *sigh* When will I ever move on from eye-candy to arm-candy?
Bad news though. The colleague I got all super chummy with? Tomorrow is her last day. It sucks. The office will be so lonely and dull and unbearable without her around. 
Please let me get accepted in a university so I can leave. Or get another job with better pay – preferably a five-digit sal and nicer boss.
Can I Sleep Wif U?
That’s pretty much how I feel like most days. I don’t sleep easy due to the nightmares and end up cluttering my bed so that I don’t feel how empty it is. I bunch my pillows up in such a way that I feel like I’m sleeping in the arm crook of the person I love. Someone as sturdy as P, with hands that don’t complain that “I’m going numb due to your weight”, nor turn away and face their back to me two minutes after settling down.
When I sleep like that, I feel safe and protected. I feel like a little girl again, innocent and feel like nothing in the big, bad world can get me as long as those arms are around me keeping me safe. *sigh*
But the sad reality is that it is really just a cluttered bed that I purposely keep to not feel how empty it is. And a bunch of positioned pillows. There is no one coming to protect me or save me. It’s just men who have a bit of fun, and then leave. No one ever stays.
Chicken 007…
Got over my day-long lethargy and pity-party and decided to cook a dish that is a fave of mine and invented by my dad, innovated by me. The version I made today is healthier than past versions (the gravy was mainly oil), but still tastes great over a mound of hot, steaming rice:
Chicken 007 (Don’t ask me why this got named this way, it just kinda stuck)
Ingredients:
2 boneless chicken breasts, cut up into small, 1cm cubes
2 large tomatoes, chopped into small cubes
2 medium onions, finely chopped
2 dried or roasted whole red chillies (bird’s eye is fine too)
2-3tbs oil
Spice mix:
1tsp salt (adjust for taste)
1/2tsp red chili powder
1/2tsp turmeric powder
1tsp coriander powder
1tsp cumin powder
Heat oil in a non-stick pot and add tomatoes. Cook until the tomatoes have melted and formed a paste. Add onions and red chillies, snapping them in half to release the flavor before popping them in. Cook till onions are tender. Add the spice mix and stir. Cook until the raw flavors of the spices are gone, or after about 5 minutes. Now add the chicken and cook until the chicken has blended with the spices and turned white. Simmer and cover, cooking for another 10 minutes. Keep checking in between to make sure the bottom doesn’t burn.
The chicken juices should have released to give moisture to the dish. If you prefer it more wet, add about half cup of water and simmer for an extra 5-10minutes and the chicken is fully cooked and tender. Serve hot with rice and salad.
Another tip to add is that if you find that the curry is a bit too hot for taste, add small cubes of potato when you add the chicken and cook till the potatoes are tender. You can also substitute chicken for tuna, soya cubes, chicken/beef franks, or a vegetarian option of paneer.
Home…
I stayed at home today. I still wasn’t feeling well and kept emptying the contents of my stomach both ways. And I’m not in the mindframe to be of any use today.
I woke up at 6.30am. Watched some online TV, and then went to sleep. And woke up now – it’s about 3pm. I cried myself to sleep. I should probably take my medicine and buy more before I run out.
I am tired of living. I just want to sleep and never wake up. And have no dreams – just blissful dark nothingness.
Sick…
I fixed an appointment with the shrink on the 3rd. That was the closest available date.
I realized that my drinking has increased from once every 4-5 months or longer to almost once every alternate day. Not much though because I have to drive, and mostly it’s just a shot before sleeping. But I’m rather alarmed that it’s reached that rate. But I feel I’ve only been doing that to knock myself out cold and not have nightmares or broken sleep. Sometimes I have cough syrup instead. Anything so that I sleep through the night.
The new guy finally deigned to call me. And I was right – he was avoiding me. Because he didn’t want it to progress to anything beyond friendship, and he felt that the sexual tension was too much too handle hence the avoiding. I felt rather upset, hurt and humiliated. And at fault. And confused. The way the conversation went, I felt like it was a classic “Dear John” dump on the phone. I tried not to let him hear how upset I was or how sick to the stomach I was getting. This reminded me too much of the past – echoes of being abandoned and left. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream at him to stop because he was killing me. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I reached home and threw up and still have trouble breathing. I feel like how I felt two years ago – absolutely shattered and bewildered at what the hell happened. It’s not totally about being upset about him – it’s how it hit too close to home.
I deleted his number, but still don’t feel any better. I still can’t breathe and am trying to take deep breaths to calm myself. I don’t want to resort to malibu, but I know I probably will if I want to even get some sleep.
On the other hand, I got gold seating for the Russell Peters show on December 1st. I’m taking P with me. I know he’s the type of person who enjoys this and he’s always been my ‘plus 1′ at most functions. And I’m getting AED10,900 back from uni as a refund for withdrawing. That calculates to about USD2,967.52, but since it’s going to my Canadian dollar account, I’m saving an extra CAD3,789.08 towards my college funds. I really do hope I get accepted into one of the universities.
