Hunch…
This week has been a rather roller-coaster week emotionally, ending on a very sober note.
No-one is immune to the global crunch and even though the biz wasn’t going great guns, it wasn’t bad at all. However, seems like there’s a restructuring – no idea why – but there is. Many people ‘resigned’ today. In our company, no one ever gets fired – they resign. Unless they really fucked it up. Then they gleefully kick them out.
Yet I’m still here. I’m very glad I am as it makes me feel valauable in a way. That means I’m not fucking it up as much as I think I am. But a part of me feels unsettled – like I’m going to be next.
At the same time, I end up feeling morbid and depressed reaching home everyday. And the distance with JT, physically and perceived, is getting to me. I burst into tears for no reason. I feel extreme doom and gloom and wish that life could end very soon. It’s not suicidal in intention, it’s just that I’m very tired of it all. I feel marginalised and ignored. It’s also possible that it feels worse ‘cos I skipped my happy pills 3 days in a row now.
I sense something bad is going to happen. I can feel it. And I’m not going to like it at all. Infact, I probably will be devastated.
An interview with Karen…
I joined the herd and let Karen interview me:
1. Describe your perfect meal.
I can describe the atmosphere, but not the meal itself because it would depend on my mood. It would be a nice scenic outdoor location, facing either water or even mountains. I’d prefer some isolation from the world – just me and whoever, be it a significant other or my family. The meal would be a home-cooked, full-course meal – say a roasted bird/pot roast with potatoes, veggies and bread. Or even a full Indian meal – yummy biryani with kababs, raita and the good side dishes. Or any cuisine, as long as it’s a variety of one main course followed by complimentary side dishes.
2. What was the best gift you’ve ever received and why?
My munchkin. Not really a gift as he’s my nephew, but he is the most precious thing to me. Materialistically, I would say the best gift I ever got was my current car. That wasn’t really a gift either, but convincing my mom that I needed something besides my ex-snail of a car was massive.
EDIT: I did receive some very nice gifts, but I didn’t mention them as the joy of the gift was lost by the fact that the giver never let me forget that they gave it to me.
3. Do you think blogging is an extrovert activity or are most bloggers introverts?
It depends on the amount of self-exposure the blogger does. If it’s a me-me-me site with loads of updates on the person and accessible to everyone, the person is most likely a narcissist. If there’s more anonymity and restricted access, chances are the person wants to express themselves, but fear being in the spotlight or feeling exposed. But there’s a certain amount of extrovertness needed to get out there.
4. How did you come to be an expat in Dubai?
I’m born here, so it was really my parents who decided to emigrate from Bangladesh to the UAE. My sister was barely a tot herself, and I came about 4-5 years later. It’s been my home ever since.
5. Describe the one thing that makes you feel the best, all warm and fuzzy. Maybe your best memory.
Cuddling up to my dearest one on a cool, pleasant weekend, lazing around under the warmth of a soft quilt. It isn’t a dirty memory – it was intimate in a sweet way. It felt like everything in the world was ok, and that nothing could possibly go wrong.
Here are the rules in case you want to tag anyone, or if someone wants to play off your blog…
1. Leave me a comment saying “interview me.” The first five commenters will be the participants.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)
So watcha waiting for?
Time Bomb…
Ok, I haven’t focused much on what I’m doing at the moment as my schedule has been topsy-turvy. But it’s all for good. As I mentioned earlier, I got switched to an e-newspaper site. As part of my ‘training’ process – I’d like to think of it as ‘adapting’ – I’m doing a variety of shifts.
The online team operates 7 days a week, 18 hours a day on different 9-hour shifts. They’re not fixed though – except for the Day Editor (DE) and Night Editor (NE). It’s more like a cascading thing – one arrives at 6, the other at 7 and so on. So that not everyone leaves at the same time and that there’s someone always watching the wires at any given time. It’s just six of us at the moment and no-one likes the night shift. So the current NE is kinda stuck with it. I volunteered for it because I like the hours, I learn more and less people to bother me. As you can see – I’m a right ray of sunshine with people.
Anyway, so this week was the night shift learning week. I rather like it and am learning quickly. Not quick enough for me, but the NE is super nice and very encouraging. I’m learning enough to be able to ‘fly solo’ on the night shift should the need ever arise. I think this is amazing as it will add experience and will up my portfolio a lot. The day begins at 3pm, quite slow till about 7-8ish, when the pages for tomorrow’s paper comes to us
Changing from film production to writing, or even broadcast journalism, is one thing I did right so far. Plus, with my focus changing, it has opened up many more options for grad school, including US. I shunned it before as I couldn’t afford it – film school was too expensive and elite. But by going for a general Mass Comm degree, or a journo/new media specialisation, I have many more colleges I can apply to that fit my budget.
Hence why I registered for the GRE in April. I’m not going to go on and on about colleges, as I’ve reached the point where all I’ve done was talk about it, but never did anything. So for now, I’m going to sit for my GRE – the first step to getting into US grad school. I’m looking at colleges in Texas, as my best bud is there, and JT wants me there too.
I don’t why I had a flashback of a time I was at my dad’s Quizno’s. One of his staff, a not very bright one, was slogging away. My dad said that she had a Bachelor’s in Design or Media and she was now working at his place. It didn’t hit me then, but I felt like it was a dig at my career choice. And somehow the incident still echoes in my head, especially when I think about changing my specialisation, not field. It’s like indirectly admitting defeat. But I feel like I made the right choice.
I’m always scared about deviating from my decisions or changing them and its part of my upbringing. Many people say I’m still young and have time to change things, make mistakes, and discover myself. But I feel the opposite. I feel like time is running out for me and I still don’t know what I want or if what I’m doing is right. I’m in this rush to become something, reach my goals, and do everything before I hit 30. And I only have five years left. I’m still far behind. I should have finished my grad school by now, or in my final year. But I’m in college-limbo right now and it’s frustrating. Every time I attempt to do grad school, something or another stops me. Either cash, or timing, or just bad luck.
And therefore making a decision, like switching from production to writing, is a good thing, yet feels like I’m admitting defeat to someone somewhere by saying I wasn’t good enough in my old thing, or that they were right and I was wrong. The ‘I told you so’ and ‘you should have listened to me and become a dentist instead of wasting time and money dabbling in this artsy-fartsy crap’.
I feel like I’m running out of time for everything and this pressure and anxiety just makes me freeze up. I hate it.
Hung…
I woke up today with the most horrible hangover headache. My first actually. That’s what you get for not having water during a drinking session.Not the first time I drank with buddies, but never had a hangover – no matter how much I drank. And I don’t drink alot as I’m the driver – just one Breezer early in the evening, followed by water and juices for the rest of the night.
Plus there’s a reason I’m nicknamed the ‘pipe’. After an operation when I was 10, I’m missing 1ft of my small intestine. Nothing big, except now I have a shorter digestive system. So about half-hour after any meal, I head straight to the loo and ‘dump’ that meal. Same with liquids, including booze. So I technically pee away most of my buzz half-hour after consuming.
Anyway, since it was a Friday evening and I was more concerned about getting parking than my sobriety to drive, I cabbed it with the birthday boy. Hence, I drank more than just a Breezer. But not much – just two cocktails. But the place was super pricey so I didn’t bother ordering my usual water or virgin cocktails. Hence the now massive hangover headache. Not fun.
As for yesterday’s mini-breakdown, I’m much better now. There were a few misunderstandings, and it got amplified because I was hormonal again. But everything’s sorted out and I feel better. But I’m going to keep and give some distance now. I think I’m getting more attached than I care to be in, and that’s never been good for me. But it’s hard not to – like I mentioned, it’s either all or nothing.
Need to nurse my poor head now.
Oh, I subscribe to a daily horoscope and today’s one was soooo creepy:
“This may be a frustrating day in the romance department, Mariam. Communication is blocked at all levels. You’re anxious to speak with your loved one, but simply cannot get a hold of him. The voice mail system at his hotel is malfunctioning, so there’s no way to get a message to him. You could try email, but your computer has been acting wacky. You feel as though the fates are conspiring against you. Take heart. He’ll be home soon enough, and your reunion will be electric!“
Kiss The Rain…
I am so numb that I don’t thin I can say anything anymore. I messed up everything once again. It is just me – I’m in so much pain that I stopped feeling anymore. I’m the type of person who either gives all or nothing. And it’s even harder to go back to nothing once you’ve given all. I care about people way too much, and that will ultimately be my undoing.
I will let the song express what I feel now. I don’t like the video here, but I couldn’t link the original – the original video pretty much describes and shows my state of mind and feeling:
You Know You’re an Expat….
A forward I received. Funny read and even more funny for those who understand:
You Know You’re an Expat Kid in the Middle East or Have Been When…
1. You can’t answer the question, “Where are you from?” (And when you do, you get into an elaborate conversation that gets everyone confused and/or makes you sound very spoiled.)
2. You flew before you could walk.
3. You have a passport, but no driver’s license.
4. You think California is cold.
5. You watch National Geographic specials and recognize someone.
6. You run into someone you know at every airport.
7. Conversations with friends take place at 6:00 in the morning or 10:00 at night.
8. Your life story uses the phrase “Then we went to…” five times.
9. You can speak with authority about the quality of various international airlines.
10. You feel self conscious around all white people.
11. You get offended when someone turns down an offer for food.
12. You live at school and go home for vacation.
13. You treasure pork and root beer as highly-valued commodities.
14. You have ever had to wait for prayer call to be over to finish shopping.
15. You are fascinated by any wildlife bigger than a gecko.
16. You know the true meaning of “football.” (and in your mind can hear the shout, “GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)
17. You know that it truly is a small world.
18. You have ever gone to the “hammam” or endured a “shamal.”
19. You get all the jokes in Aladdin.
20. Rain is still one of the most wonderful sounds in the world.
21. You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
22. Your wardrobe can only handle two seasons: hot and warm.
23. Your school memories include duck-and-cover drills.
24. You are used to being stared at.
25. You think VISA is a document stamped in your passport, and not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.
26. You call a chicken burrito a “shwarma.”
27. Your dorm room/apartment/living room looks a little like a museum with all the “exotic” things you have around.
28. You’ve heard of or tried “hubbly bubbly.”
29. You’ve woken up in the middle of the night to watch the Superbowl on cable.
30. You have sat in a “men’s” or “women’s” section in an airport, hospital, or restaurant.
31. You know the geography of the rest of the world, but you don’t know the geography of your own country. (Isn’t Philadelphia its own state?)
32. Your best friends are from 5 different countries.
33. You’re spoiled. You know it. You’re VERY spoiled.
34. You ask your roommate when the houseboy is scheduled to come clean.
35. You have never spent a summer with your friends from high school because you all go back to your home town/state/country June – August
36. Camping involves duning, getting stuck, and counting how many camels you saw.
37. A sports tournament involves flying to another country in the Middle East.
38. You remember when the first McDonalds in your country had its grand opening.
39. You got days off school for Christian and Muslim holidays.
40. You secretely wished the rulers of other Middle Eastern countries would die so that you got days off school.
41. Not being able to eat in public during the day during the holy month of Ramadan.
42. Traveling to the states required buying candy, CDs, and Abercrombie and Fitch clothing for your friends back overseas.
43. You are used to giving directions according to landmarks, not street names.
44. It’s normal to wake up and have four or more Pakistani men fixing your AC.
45. You didn’t know how to do your own laundry until you left for college.
46. How come the houses in America don’t have servants quarters?
47. You are used to seeing Arabic commercials dubbed in British English about Lux soap, Carnation condensed milk and Dove shampoo.
48. Seeing police drive on the shoulder of the road and cut people is not unusual.
49. You understand that being addressed as “ma’am/sir” by Filipinos is not an insult.
50. You know someone is referring to Pepsi when they say “Bebzi”.
51. Having a walled in, cement house is standard.
52. Ford Explorer sized cars seem small compared to Toyota Land Cruisers and Nissan Patrols
