Hunch…
This week has been a rather roller-coaster week emotionally, ending on a very sober note.
No-one is immune to the global crunch and even though the biz wasn’t going great guns, it wasn’t bad at all. However, seems like there’s a restructuring – no idea why – but there is. Many people ‘resigned’ today. In our company, no one ever gets fired – they resign. Unless they really fucked it up. Then they gleefully kick them out.
Yet I’m still here. I’m very glad I am as it makes me feel valauable in a way. That means I’m not fucking it up as much as I think I am. But a part of me feels unsettled – like I’m going to be next.
At the same time, I end up feeling morbid and depressed reaching home everyday. And the distance with JT, physically and perceived, is getting to me. I burst into tears for no reason. I feel extreme doom and gloom and wish that life could end very soon. It’s not suicidal in intention, it’s just that I’m very tired of it all. I feel marginalised and ignored. It’s also possible that it feels worse ‘cos I skipped my happy pills 3 days in a row now.
I sense something bad is going to happen. I can feel it. And I’m not going to like it at all. Infact, I probably will be devastated.
A Tale of Three Girls…
I had a rather looooooooooong chat with one of my best friends today. Before I go on, let me explain the background a little.
We are a group of three friend and have been together since 4th grade – that’s about 15+ years now. Elementary, middle, high school, A-Levels, College (well the first two years atleast). There’s me, Hammy and Cammy. Hammy and Cammy went to ACD, a sort of transitional college where you can complete first-year and second-year college before transferring to the States for your degree. Most credits generally get accepted. Whereas I stayed here, studied my entire degree at AUS in Sharjah. So off they went to the States, Cammy in Texas, where she met her college sweetheart and got married last February, where both Hammy and I were maids of honor. And Hammy studied in Carbondale, completed her Bachelor’s and Master’s and is now returning to Dubai to help in her dad’s business.
As for the dynamics of our relation ship, Cammy and I are best friends – like she is my best, best, best friend. Hammy and her are also best friends. As for Hammy and me, things have always been on the two extremes of the spectrum. The first 7-8 years of the triangle was spent on Hammy and myself competing to be Carmen’s BFF. It wasn’t the most fun part of school. But then came junior and senior year and we had to chose our specializations: Science, Commerce or Design. Hammy took Commerce, while Cammy and I chose Science. So Hammy got shipped off to another class, but unfortunately, Cammy and I also got split, thanks to a teacher who wanted to keep us apart. So with the three of us in different classes, we stopped being obsessed with being the better BFF and got on being better friends all around.
This continued through A-Levels, college and when both of them went away. We’ve all gone through everyone’s good and bad times. Cammy’s parents and my mom take us as their children – we’ve grown up together. I don’t plan on missing any milestones in Cammy’s life unless I can’t help it. Hammy’s parents, on the other hand, think my mom is legally separated from my dad, because if Hammy’s folks were to know that my mom divorced and remarried, they’d think I’m a bad influence on her and wouldn’t allow her to go out with me. I’m not ashamed of who I am, or what my family has become. But for keeping the peace, I keep my mouth shut. Hammy doesn’t mind, but she won’t go against her parents if they forbade her too. Cammy’s parents, on the other hand, know everything. And as I said, they’re like my second set of parents. When I turned 21, her parent’s came to wish me and even gave me a present even though Cammy wasn’t around. I still have that watch, although the leather strap rotted from my germophobe tendencies to wash my hands everytime I do something.
As for Hammy, it’s always been rather hot and cold. And it isn’t so much about being Cammy’s BFF as it about how different we are in lifestyle, culture and many others. I’m from a broken home and had a very difficult teenage life, with parents splitting, remarrying, again splitting, on top of my own set of problems of being a teenager. We weren’t poor, mom managed to keep us very well, but there are many things I’d like to do that I couldn’t because the money didn’t stretch as far. I don’t complain much as it’s taught me to treasure things even more. And not be spoiled as much. And since dad left, I’ve had a considerable amount of freedom in socializing and going out. I wasn’t too bad – I hope. I admit I did many things I’m not proud of, but that taught me to treat freedom with respect. And now most times I prefer staying at home. And I was never a party person so it’s not like I partied, boozed and drugged.
Hammy, on the other hand, is rather well off – she stays in a lavish duplex with her folks and pretty much can afford many things that I couldn’t. Her family is intact. However, her father is extremely strict with her and her curfew until perhaps 2-3 years back was at 8pm. On the dot. No later. Now it’s till 10pm. And we’re all about 25. And of course no boys at all. Not even as friends – although I think her mum helped her relax that a little as on one of her birthdays, some of her guy friends from college came home. She has to sneak out to see her friends and generally can’t go to events that go beyond 10 and she doesn’t have a ride back home.
So the main fights we’ve had were when she would go out with her friends and kinda ignore me just a bit. The reason being I work hard, studied hard and my timings were such that I wouldn’t be free till 7-8pm. Plus if we were out somewhere where I had to stay past 10, I can’t promise her a ride back. So you can imagine how things went. She had to please her parents, and I felt like I didn’t matter to her. And her college friends would sometimes get her out of the house beyond 10. Which irked me because if I asked the same, she’d be too scared to ask her dad.
These kept piling up among other things. Now everytime we have a get-together in Texas, I live on a hitch-hiker’s budget as most of my money went on getting the plane ticket there. Hence I unashamedly crash at Cammy’s place because I can’t afford a hotel. Whereas in Hammy’s case, she can afford the ticket (it’s cheaper going domestic than international duh!), accommodation and so on.
But sometimes I need to be kicked out of Cammy’s place – like her wedding night. So I planned on crashing at another person’s place again – to save cash. Hammy insisted I stay with her and I not pay a penny, which in my head made me feel rather, I can’t get the word – indebted. And most times I hate feeling that. I hate feeling like I owe someone something. Because most times, I’ve never been allowed to forget that they did something for me and therefore own my ass forevermore.
Anyhow, recent events just made things worse and worse between us two until the final push happened in July during the last get-together. I felt very taken for granted and ignored the entire trip – a trip of my planning and my idea to do something special for Cammy’s Bday. I kept feeling out-trumped every minute – an example was me showing up from Dubai as a surprise on Cammy’s bday. Versus staying in the Trump tower’s in Chicago for 3 days. Which sounds cooler? By the end of the trip, I wondered why I even bothered doing anything for anyone anymore. I felt miserable.
And also Cammy’s brother getting in the mix didn’t help. I was single at that time and he was so nice to me I developed a kinda crush on him. Nothing big – if it happened, it happened. If it didn’t, no biggie. Kinda like a vacation fling. Well he didn’t reciprocate, but he didn’t stop me either. However, he had a thing for Hammy and although I had my suspicions, I didn’t think much about it. Well, we all got drunk one night in Chicago and it became pretty obvious to everyone how into Al (that’s his nickname) I was. And Cammy didn’t like it at all – I get it, protective sister saving brother from rather ‘experienced and loose’ best friend.
And the vacation ended in a slightly awkward note. Well, after I left, the entire group met up again twice – sans me. Because they’re all in the States, but I’m not being on the other side of the globe. It made me feel very left out. And that’s how I found out about Hammy and Al hooking up. It didn’t bother me so much that they hooked up, but the fact that Al hadn’t been upfront with me from the start. If he said he fancied her in the beginning, I wouldn’t have had that stupid drunken moment and wouldn’t have made a fool out of myself infront of everyone.
And hence why I was trying to be rather polite and gracious when both Cammy and Hammy told me. I felt awkward, not to mention a little embarrassed and hurt. And a little betrayed by both of them. Apparently, Cammy was ok with it all. It just reinforced the idea that I felt she saw me as ‘loose’. But I might have annoyed Hammy , which lead to her saying some rather nasty things to me and me finally having enough with all of them.
After all that drama, I decided to not be proactive in the friendship anymore. I felt I had done more than enough, and then some. Flying all the way from Dubai is no joke – each trip I make takes time out of my annual leave, a big chunk of my salary as well trying to not piss relatives off who say I never visit them by keeping quiet about going. Whereas it was just a hop, skip and jump from her to fly down to Texas, or for them to drive up to Carbondale. I feel like if I were in their shoes, they would never do as much as I’d do for them. Like my wedding. Whenever it happens. I feel like if they can’t make it, they won’t bother coming. Whereas I was willing to risk my new job by flying out before my probation period. Because I would never miss her wedding ever. We promised each other when we were little girls that we’d be there for each other’s weddings, and if possible, on the birth of our children. And I remember that promise.
Anyway, Hammy’s coming back to town by end of January. We spoke the whole morning. In the process, all these feeling of hurt and anger and everything just came out. And she had no clue how I felt. How miserable I was feeling. She said she was sorry and never knew I saw things that way. In the end, we made up and hopefully we can start fresh. I’m being cautious though, because all this took a toll on me.
I honestly don’t think Hammy is a bad friend. We’ve had many good times together. But I do know that we also can push each other’s buttons and no matter how much we try, the differences in our lifestyles, family and culture make it hard for us to be ever as close as we both are with Cammy.
I *heart* Gene Kelly…
As snuggle in my bathrobe and blog, I have to say I saw a classic after a very long time. One of my all time faves – Singin In The Rain.
I rather adore Gene Kelly. Him and Clark Gable. They don’t make men like them anymore. I would gladly watch any movie they’re in – their charisma just draws you in.
*sigh* I rather hope I meet someone like Gene Kelly some day. He makes me swoon – even today.
Ho Hum…
I’m rather bored at work. I made it a point to come in everyday now at 9am sharp, instead of doing the smart thing and showing up at about 10-11ish when everyone else bothers showing up, if at all.
I’m quite sick of minesweeper and solitaire, but those are the only things I can play and download on my Mac. And I’m on new meds that include weight loss drugs, so new side effects and nausea.
I removed my online ad. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Especially since the Texan dude seemed quite serious about me – and said so verbally, as well as little things in his actions hinting at that. And he said he doesn’t share well with other people – and he doesn’t give himself to others so it’s a two-way thing. I don’t share well either. I never understood how relationships can even think about sharing such an intimate thing. I really like him.
I do actually miss talking to him and chatting with him online. He must be still flying or reached home and recovering from jet lag. I doubt I’ll hear anything from him before Xmas – perhaps shortly after. I suppose the real test will be once he’s back here and we see each other often, get to know each other more and decide if we can put up with each other.
I’ feeling quite sleepy so I’m going to sneak into an empty edit suite to catch a few Zzzs.
Cowboys, Mugs and Shisha…
I’ve been missing for a while because I had a rather lovely day with a rather lovely gentlemen yesterday. I’m not going to say much on it as from past experience, the more I talk about something, the more my hopes are raised and the bigger the disappointment if things don’t pan out.
So hush on the details for now. But I have to say he gave me full reign on the planning yesterday and said he enjoyed it. Went to Cafe Ceramique where we had lunch and I painted a mug, then Barzar for drinks and shisha, after which we called it a night.
And he wanted to see me again. And he called back, and said he’d call again before he left to the States for Xmas with his family. He is sweet. I hope I see him again. But even not, I had a really nice time. And no sexual overtones or pressure for anything, and the goodnight peck was sweet and caring. I hope I have at the very least, a new friend. I like Texan guys – real gentlemen.
Haze…
P left for a week to Bahrain. I miss him loads. Every time I want to call, I realize that he’s not here.
I met my ex too. I don’t know why. But I do know the more I meet him, the more I’m getting over him. He is selfish. He did what he wanted and if someone didn’t like it, they could get lost. His way or the highway. I think he believes that I went through the traumatic process alone. But he doesn’t care. Infact, he blames me for getting preg in the first place and that I was being a moron for even considering keeping it. He didn’t want it. Duh. I knew he didn’t. But if he didn’t want it, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel awful about choosing what I chose. I was very torn. I didn’t want it either. Yet I felt horrid about killing it. And I still feel torn and broken about it till date. I don’t think he’ll ever understand what I had to go through.
I’m getting my answers, my closure. I honestly don’t care now if he leaves, or gets married to someone else, or screws around. It was my fault for assuming he cared about me enough to want a future. He never did. I was nothing more than a good friend, who he had some good times with. Whereas he was my life, my future, the father of my children. I don’t know if he was really that clueless, or malicious, but he showed me pix of his trips, and girls he picked up over there. I suppose I would have had banshees screaming in my head in pain, but instead it was a muted, twinge of hurt. I stopped caring. Almost. I suppose that’s a good thing.
Two years. Two years of agony, pain and confusion. The haze is lifting. Not completely, but it’s getting there. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to completely move on and start new.
Nails and Doors…
I’m going to talk about something that many people might feel uncomfortable about. I will use as many euphemisms as possible.
Ok, another reason why I’m keep my distance from MM. Let’s just say that when we met yesterday, there was a problem with fits. He has a nail. A rather big and thick nail. I have two doors – the front and back. Now the front door is made of pliable material and can accommodate most nails. The back door, however, is tough and brittle and any nail that isn’t tapped in gently or is too big ends up splintering and damaging the door, leaving scars. Instead of hammering the nail on the front door, like most people, he went for the bck door. I warned him it would break and hurt the door, but he still did it anyway. I asked him to stop when I started seeing damage. He stopped. And went for the front door, without changing the protective covering. I told him to change it. He did. And after trying the nail on the front door, he proceeded to go back to the back door, despite telling him the nail was too big and would hurt. And he did that about three times before I said to leave.
So yea. That’s another reason why.
