Hermit…
I’m turning into one. Or I will be soon enough, if not already. And for the time being, I actually like being alone. I don’t know why. Even though I crave company, I don’t really want it. It’s like eye-candy. Even though your eyes are telling you that you want that yummy piece of praline, your stomach is saying no.
I’m not even craving for P anymore. A part of me is dreading his return. Because that means I’ll get attached again. Or that things will be different once he’s back, and it won’t pick up from where we left it. I’ll be disappointed. And I’d rather be distant and not care then to feel disappointment.
I think I’m turning into stone slowly. I’m not caring anymore. I haven’t been since I went to USA. I know for one that Cammy’s wedding would be a bittersweet moment: joy at seeing her grow up, sorrow at realizing that we’re no longer kids and that we can’t have the same relationship as before. Or maybe it’s some weird pseudo-grief. That even in the comforts of being in my home town, I feel like I’m in a foreign land with no support system. People keep discrediting me, calling me spoiled or privileged or that I can’t feel alienation because I haven’t moved anywhere and my family is with me.
But do they know me? Do they know how my childhood passed? I don’t remember much because I blocked it out. I remember reading certain books. I remember the details of the books. I can recount songs that make me remember certain O-Level and A-level facts. Because all I ever did when my parents fought was lock myself up in the bathroom and study. Listen to music on my headphones and study to block everything out. All my life from when I can remember till the day I graduated is studying. It blocks most of the pain and stress out.
And now that I can’t study anymore, I can’t cope with reality and it’s pressures. Which is why I’m now addicted to reading and watching TV. I zone out. It’s my alcohol, my pain-killers, my drugs. I used to depend on friends. But people are unreliable. Family? Forget it. They can be as fickle as friends. In reality, I don’t think I trust anyone anymore. Sure, there are certain close friends of mine that won’t try to do me in deliberately – but even unintentional hurt pains like a bitch. I know they don’t mean it and they’re sorry, but I’d like to avoid it just the same.
I truly, deeply, sorely wish if it were even remotely possible, that I could escape into a fantasy world of my own – like Harry Potter, Landover, Tortall…anyone of those. Or even be the supervillaness. Do you know I really wish I could be Poison Ivy? Immune to every biological pathogen, toxins and what not, yet is seductive and can kill with a kiss? Plus red hair to boot. Or even Nightshade from Landover.
But since I can’t physically be in those places, I guess I’d like to spend whatever idle time I have being immersed in reading about it, letting it fill my senses and take me to another place that isn’t my miserable life.
I guess I need a purpose, a reason to keep living and feeling joy. And even though work is fun and exciting, it can’t fill all the voids of my life. I feel physically sick waking up in the morning. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to die either, but I just hate waking up into the world. I have to drag or fall off bed to wake up and drag my ass to work. I always thought being in love would motivate me and give a purpose.
But love sucks. It’s as bad as alcohol or drugs. It gives you a high initially, but then it just gives you a false sense of worth and then makes you crash and burn so bad that you wonder why you got there in the first place. And being addicted, you keep doing it until your body gives up and you die a cruel death, or turn to stone. Perhaps I’m more of the latter…
Yes, I’m depressed, in case you were wondering….
PVB
Mystery solved. The doc said it wasn’t only the shrimps, but an allergic reaction to some cream I used. So Lubriderm and St. Ives Vitamin E Moisturizing Cream can stay far, far away from me.I’m also staying at home to recover from the itchiness and sedative properties of the anti-allergic meds the doc put me on. And catch up on some much needed sleep.
It’s funny how I reached USA and realized I had so many people to call and inform that I’m in town, and yet returning to Dubai I couldn’t call anyone because I felt for a second that it wouldn’t be right waking anyone up from bed. Although now, in hindsight, I probably do have more friends than I realize or think I have. I have my school friends, who may not be Cammy and Hammy, but are my friends nevertheless. And then there’s my friends who I’ve made at work or friends who also happen to be at the same workplace.
Perhaps its a manifestation of PVB or Post-vacation blues. Now that the excitement of a holiday and wedding is over and gone, I don’t feel like there’s anything that makes me feel special and going back to the grind, even in a fun job, can be a little bleak.
Spoke to P. He’s coming soon. And talking to him made me feel better. I’m not addicted to him, nor are we even dating that he takes the place of a special person, but being around him makes me feel protected, kinda like an elder-protective-figure. I miss the snuggling up and lazy afternoons cuddling up to him.
And I guess I don’t really hate my dad anymore. Perhaps there’s some resentment and abandonment issues that are still lingering, but I’m slowly trying to make my peace with them.
Itchy…
I’m back on home turf. And it feels good. But I’m still on Portland time. So I’ll be up for a while.
My itching has gotten worse so I’ll go to a doctor today. My arms and legs look like they’ve been boiled and blistered with acne. I’ve never had such a violent reaction to shellfish. Me wonders whether it’s more than just eating shrimps. Anyway, lets hope it’s nothing too nasty and that the itching stops soon. Although it felt soothing taking a hot shower with my Dettol anti-bacterial moisturizing shower gel.
It didn’t hit me until now that V-day is coming up. I guess if I keep ignoring it, it’ll just go away. I’ve made my peace with my love life. Yes, it sucks and no, I highly doubt I’ll find Mr. Right in Dubai. And now I want to wait for Mr. Right instead of going potluck with Mr. Right Now.
But it kinda flares up my insecurities and green-eyes when a friend of mine keeps telling me about how she scores with guys and flirts with em, knowing she can’t ever really have a serious relationship with them. And if I ever go out with her, she’d out-trump me in the scoring game as men flock to her and I get passed over. I don’t even bother anymore as doing so would frustrate and hurt me when a guy chooses her over me. If there is someone for me, he knows where I am. Else when loneliness hits me, I reach for a spoon and my big bottle of Nutella.
The Wedding…
This post is going to be super-long as so much happened in the past few days. Those who know me on FB will soon have pictures to know that it’s been a crazy week.
First of all, the bachelorette party. It was wild!!! Infact, much more wilder than the bachelor party. As far as I know, the boys watched movies, played some games and slept. As for us girls, ummm. We had some interesting things going on. While pretty much sober. And we went to Walmart at 3am in the morning to get stuff to decorate the bridal bed for the wedding night. Ray, one of Cammy’s friends, did a fantastic job of making the place look gorgeous.
But before all of that, we had the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner where I got introduced to most of Cammy and Trav’s friends. And they’re soooo tall and cool. Had so much fun with them. And the funniest part was when Cammy put the wedding finger on the middle instead of ring finger. I’m glad she’s still her kooky self…
The rehearsal dinner was at Traildust where if you wear a tie, they chop it off with scissors and put it up on some wall. It’s a steak house and more than the yummy food, I enjoyed the music and dancing. We did silly things like the hokey-pokey and the chicken dance. hehe…
The wedding itself was super exciting. We were late for most of it, but everything fell into place in time and we were only 5minutes late on starting the ceremony. Cammy looked like a doll. The ceremony itself was fairy-tale like. I was in awe of everything. I didn’t cry at any point of the ceremony, but I bawled in the plane while heading back to Portland.
The reception was a lot of fun. Did alot of line dancing and we performed our dance. I doubt if anyone beyond the few desis understood what was going on but they cheered all the same. As usual, Cammy forgets something, which happened to be the bouquet she wanted to throw for the bouquet toss. So Hammy grabbed mine. And guess who caught it? Yep, that would be me. So I got my own bouquet back. And Cammy, being her usual self, ended up hitting the ceiling with her bouquet and then it bounced around and landed on the floor next to me. Cammy has the knack of finding nooks and crannies where things shouldn’t go and then managing to get those things in exactly those places.
And apparently, I catch em old. One of Trav’s uncles thought I was a ’spitfire’. hehe…
Got to go pack now and prepare the long journey back to Dubai. Will write more later.
The Countdown Begins…
I’m still coughing. But it’s much better than it was as I was leaving Portland.
I’m finally in Dallas and I know it’s been a while since I blogged, I’ve been busy with the wedding prep. I finally met the groom, Trav. He’s got the best bear-hug I’ve ever had so far. And he’s a really good chef. And the most annoying brother I wished I never had. Ok, I’m kidding about the last sentence. But it’s fun having a brother to to tease and bicker with, even if he’s an in-law.
I tried the Wii (pronounced ‘we’) out yesterday with Trav almost the whole day. Yea, I suck at almost every game but I managed to beat him in bowling and and baseball batting practice.
And Hammy is landing today. So for the last time before the wedding, we three will be together. Ah, this weekend is going to be so emo. I’ll probably cry. Maybe not publicly, perhaps when it hits me a few days later, like in Portland or Dubai.
On another note, P finally got back to me. I don’t know why, but I was a bit disappointed to receive a one line email after sending him a good paragraph email about 10 days back. Ah well…
Also had a dream about Jaggu. Not good. It got me waking up all sad and confused. I dreamed I bumped into him, but I ignored him even though my heart was racing and I was scared. But now he chased after me, wanting my attention even though I told him to go away. Finally, I stopped to listen and all he wanted to know is how I’m doing. And that disappointed me so I told him to just leave me alone because I didn’t want him to see me cry. And that’s when I woke up. What could this mean?
And speaking about the past, my first ex-bf-now-good-friend W is coming for the wedding. I’ll be seeing him after 8 years now. That should be interesting.
Redder…
Not going to write much. But I’ve gotten the full-blown cold/flu. So sniffing and coughing and snezing. Kleenex is my new best friend. I’m scared of going to the wedding and having the bride and/or groom catching it. So I’m debating whether to come now.
I know. I’ve waited and prepped for months for the big day. But I can’t afford ruining the most important day for my best friend by giving her a cold. I feel upset. And very depressed. Just as I’m so close, I’m not going to see her walk the aisle after all. I’m jinxed. I never get to see weddings. I missed my own sister’s wedding all four times. And now I’ll miss my best frend’s too. I feel suicidal now. No, I’m not really going to commit suicide, but I really feel down in the dumps. It can’t get any worse than this…well, it probably could, but give me some leeway from dramatics okay?! *sob* *sneeze* *blow*
Red…
It’s flu season over here. And everyone in the house has caught it except for me. Until now. I can feel a sniffle, a cough, a sneeze that isn’t the regular morning flu i get in the early day. It’s definitely the sign of a flu.
So not only do I have matching shoes, I now have a matching nose to go with my maid-of-honor dress. *sigh* *sneeze* *hack* *cough*
Bear Thugs…
I’m up at a much decent time today. I believe 5am is a lot better than 3am.
I did such a cool thing yesterday. My sister works at the mall so we went to pick her up. And after we reached, she said she had to work an hour more. So we roamed around the mall and went to the lil one’s favorite store: The Build-A-Bear Workshop. And Ronniema got me a bear. Actually, it was a tabby cat. And I named him Garfield and got him a hoodie that said ‘Bear Hugs’ and black jeans with a lil silver chain on the side. So he was a thuggin’ cat. hehe….He’s really cute.
Finally spoke to Cammy, the blushing bride-to-be. She’s as ditzy as ever…lol. Well, I wouldn’t say ditzy. More like she has her ‘blond’ moments. I still haven’t spoken to her about her wedding gifts. Ah, well hopefully soon.
Got to go now. Laters.
Letting Go…
The extended holiday has been busy so far. Unfortunately, I ended up crashing in the evening and am now awake from midnight onwards.
We went out for Yawar’s butt-day on Wed and it was a blast at Barzar. For those who know me well, you can see the madness on Facebook.
Finished off the dance practice finally and even got the outfit. Will tell more later.
I think I’m getting the hang of not taking things to heart. Like for instance, I’ve had friends who tell me they’d do anything for me, but clearly have shown in the past that they wouldn’t. I’ve let go and not bothered starting up a fight to prove them wrong. I just let it go.
And when people don’t answer my calls, nor call back, I’ve stopped trying to reach out to them. They clearly don’t want me at that point of time, and I stop feeling hurt. In fact, I don’t care anymore. I’m indifferent. I’m letting go. I’m not going to waste my time or energy in wondering what I did wrong. Or keep calling. If they need me, they know my number.
And even though I’m starting to lose weight, or at least trying, I’m getting comfortable with the flab I have now. I’ve stopped buying clothes a size smaller, or in the ideal size I want (size 10 or 12) so that I self-humiliate myself to losing weight. I’ve started showing up in pictures, makeup or no makeup. And even though I’d prefer my work photos to be flattering, I’m ok with my personal pictures showing a preggy-looking tummy.
And I’m letting go of the fact that I will look huge at the wedding compared to Hammy and Cammy simply because I an taller and broader to them and no weight change can make me look any less thinner to them. I suppose its a good thing I’m the photographer.
And I’m letting go of the fact that there’s a good chance Hammy will attract all the dudes at the wedding and I’ll be standing around like an awkward wallflower. I don’t have many expectations over there besides being there and seeing my best friend getting married. I’m going there to celebrate milestone in my friend’s life, not to expect some huge change in my life. By worrying myself over petty things like my weight, my insecurities with men, I’m going to end up dreading going there in the first place. But I’m letting go. I’m letting go of wanting to compete. Of wanting to be the prettier maid of honor. Of being the hotter maid of honor. I’m going to go as a maid of honor.
